delusions

Sure, I can go along in this life, day to day doing daily tasks such as cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and now again, even working. I may look like I am ok and on some days I may even feel "ok". But honestly I am not. I am far from OK. I dont feel like this is my life at all. I am not happy, even though I can crack a smile. I dont think anything is funny, although I may laugh once in awhile. I will go to work and engage in mindless, stupid conversations about whatever, when all I want to is scream
"MY BABY IS DEAD!"
"I HATE WORKING AND I HATE TALKING TO ALL YOU STUPID IGNORANT PEOPLE!"
"I'M NOT HAPPY!"
I hate leaving my children at home while I go out and "pretend" like all is peachy keen just to earn a few $ in tips to bring home. I hate it. But I do it because apparently that is what is expected of me. You have to carry on and get over the fact that I failed my baby, I failed, but I have to get over it.
I hate the fact my own husband refuses to have more children with me, to give me that rainbow, after I have weathered such a horrendous storm and am still. I think I will be under this rain until I can see the promise from god of a beautiful rainbow in my arms. What will that entail?
I want to run, run like Forrest Gump and never stop. When I reach that ocean I want to jump in and sink like the heavy weight that holds me down in my heart.
Will I? No. I will keep living this stupid delusion that everything is just fine. I will keep on moving along with the life that never stopped when I did. I'm quite a few steps behind and lagging farther and farther day after day. Someday, I will just be forgotten, and I really dont mind. Maybe this delusion will just consume me. I am no longer me, I never will be again and I hate who I am now.
Such is life.