Coming up on 7 months is hard, just as hard as every little milestone on this never ending path of grief. For me I feel I am coming to a point where I need to find myself again. I really dont know where "I" went and I dont think that woman will ever be back. I need to find who I am now, I need to somehow embrace this damaged woman I have become and create a new person out of her. One that somehow fits back into society with out feeling completely out of touch or having a complete sense of being uncomfortable in public. I started my new job a couple of weeks ago bar tending for one of the only "fine dining" establishments in the area I live in. Its difficult for me to just be social, laid back or chatty like I once was. I have tended bar for years and have always loved the social aspect of it. I was naturally a social butterfly and enjoyed just having conversations with people. I have now lost that, lost the ability to have any kind of meaning less small talk, joking around, or just a casual conversation with a stranger. I dont enjoy it anymore. At this point in my life there is VERY little I do actually enjoy, if anything really. My enjoyment comes from my children. Cuddling, playing, nurturing, teaching. I enjoy that, but unfortunately it doesnt pay in the form of $ that will pay bills and such. That is just too bad. So its work I have to do and a 2nd shift works well so Matt and I dont have to pay a sitter, unless he DJs. I have also taken on childcare in my home. I am watching a little boy who is the age Stella should be. His mother is the woman I was chatting with in the waiting room the day Stella was born. He is wonderful and I enjoy hanging out with him. Elijah also LOVES having him around. I hope someday i can give him a sibling here on earth, he is just such a great "big brother". It is also nice to be able to help her out and make a little cash myself durring the day. Last night I went out on my first "ladies night" since my life seemed to have been demolished. I went to a Brewers game with a couple of women I used to work with at a daycare I was at for 4 years, my bestie Jackie, my sister Karie and 2 women I just met then. I had a great time and felt more like "myself" than I have in a long time. It was a whole lotta fun. Something I am sure I could use more if in this life, as much as I would rather just curl up on the couch with my kids and forget the rest of the world. I would probably lose myself forever if I continue to do the latter.
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This morning I sat and looked at the date on my computer, and unknowingly started counting the days until Stella would be 7 months old. 4 more days. Every month around this time I do that. I really miss her, too. Reading your story online this morning, although I have read it many times, made me cry. It also made me even more proud to be your sister, and Stella's auntie. She really changed us all in the short time that she was with us. She is truly our Angel, our Star watching over us. (How I wish she could be here with us.)
Reading this post just now gave me a mix of emotions. Last night I found myself thinking "Is Krystal smiling, or forcing a smile??". To me, your eyes were even smiling. That gave me soooo much joy. This post literally made me cry. I miss you, Krystal. Last night was wonderful, and I am so happy that you thought so too.
You are right, the old Krystal is gone. The old Karie is gone, too. My thought process is completely different, the people I WANT to hang out with are different, the things that I want to do are different. We are all in search of who we are, and who we are going to be. With God's help, we will get there... when we are meant to get there. Until then, we do what we need to do, for ourselves and for others. Just know that you are NEVER alone in any battle. You have an army of people who love you dearly.
I love you, little sister.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Karie Anne
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