My Star in Heaven: Day 12 Article

I wanted to share an article I shared here a couple years back, right in the beginning of this grief mess. I really wish more people had read this article before even looking at me, let alone opening their stupid ass mouths. Some people really made this path harder to deal with then it should've been. With the right kids of support, grief can be so different. Its still hard, but knowing you have support, and people who actually love you helping you in REAL LIFE and not just over the computer in different states, can make a world of difference. really.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A little note off a grief web page...

Some Thoughts From Grieving Parents

Bereaved parents face a devastating and difficult journey; expressing grief is the normal response to such a loss; unexpressed grief can be devastating and debilitating.
An intense parental attachment has been formed between parent and child no matter how young the child is at the time of death. Others need to try and understand the intensity of this attachment, the depth of the parents' grief, and the magnitude of their sorrow.
Grief is exhausting and demanding work. Grief is also a process, not a single timed event. Bereaved parents appear to exhibit different reactions at varying points in their grief and to grieve differently even when they belong to the same family.
There are no easy ways to deal with grief, there is no one correct way to grieve, and no set time frame for grieving parents.
Caregivers need to know there are no exact or right words or expressions when comforting grieving parents. Neither should caregivers try to take away the parents' grief. Most of all, they should try to speak from the heart and show their care and concern. Sometimes it may seem that they say the wrong thing. The caregiver should try again, using different words, or admit confusion about what to say. The pain must be walked through by the bereaved parent and also by those who seek to help them.

There is a need to talk, without trying to give reasons. No reason is going to be acceptable when you hurt so much. A hug, the touch of a hand, expressions of concern, a willing listener were and still are the things that have helped the most...The people who [were] the greatest help... [were] not judgmental. It's most helpful when people understand that [what is needed] is to talk about it and that this is part of the grief process. - DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 158, 163

Bereaved parents need to find ways to keep the memories alive and also find ways to create memories. Memories are all they have left from the child who died. Bereaved parents often need to establish unique rituals to memorialize the child and in some cases, others may find this process puzzling.
Grieving parents need to be allowed to set the tone and direct others about how to help them in their grief. Parents need validation as they attempt the process of healing.
Friends and caregivers should try to help grieving parents express their grief. They should try to be a safe place for them-a place where they can be themselves, where they can be confused, where they can express their pain, sadness, and even anger. Those who care should grieve and mourn with the parents; they must also be willing to listen.
In most cases, bereaved parents don't want to be avoided, but they may be hesitant to let others know they are needed. Usually, they are most grateful for the kind expressions and gestures of love and support.
Bereaved parents need to know that the support of family, friends, and others will continue after the commotion and busy days immediately following the death and funeral. Their grief continues forever. One bereaved father said, "the period following the funeral is perhaps the most difficult time for the bereaved...[This is the time that parents must] absorb the magnitude of their loss and begin to integrate it into the rest of their lives" (Bramblett 1991, 39). Bereaved parents need to have extended remembrances of their child for a long while after the event, especially on anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, or special events, such as Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Bereaved parents need to know that their child will be remembered, not just by them but also by family and friends. They need to have the child acknowledged and referred to by name. They want that child's life to matter. They do not want to forget and they don't want others to forget. One bereaved parent said, "The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it also brings music to my ears" (Anonymous).

Grieving keeps memories alive for bereaved parents and retains a place in their families and in their hearts for the dead child...[it is] a continuous process with peaks, valleys, and plateaus; it is a complex process that varies with each individual. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, 1994, 28

When Trying To Comfort Grieving Parents

DO:

Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing love and support; try to provide comfort.
Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementoes the family may have.
Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.
Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.
Remember anniversaries and special days.
Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and sensitive gestures of concern.
Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating the mother or father to something special.
Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.

DO NOT:

Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child by name.
Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate behavior.
Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.
Tell them you know just how they feel.
Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.

How Grieving Parents Attempt To Cope With The Loss And Move On
Bereaved fathers and mothers try to cope with their grief by:

Admitting to themselves and others that their grief is overwhelming, unpredictable, painful, draining, and exhausting-that their grief should not be diminished or ignored.
Allowing themselves to be angry and acknowledging that they are vulnerable, helpless, and feeling disoriented.
Trying to understand that to grieve is to heal and that integrating grief into their lives is a necessity.
Acknowledging the need and desire to talk about the child who died as well as the moments and events that will be missed and never experienced with the child.
Maintaining a belief in the significance of their child's life, no matter how short.
Creating memorial services and other rituals as ways to commemorate the child's life.
Deriving support from religious beliefs, a sense of spirituality, or a personal faith.
Expressing feelings in journals, poetry, prayers, or other reflective writings or in art, music, or other creative activities.
Trying to be patient and forgiving with themselves and others and refraining from making hasty decisions.

When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal. - WISCONSIN PERSPECTIVES NEWSLETTER, SPRING 1989, 3

Counting on, confiding in, and trusting those who care, listen, and hear, those who will walk with them, and not be critical of them, those who will try to understand their emotional and physical limitations.
Increasing their physical activity and maintaining a healthful diet.
Volunteering their services to organizations concerned with support for bereaved parents.
Obtaining help from traditional support systems, such as family, friends, professionals or church groups, undergoing professional counseling, joining a parent support group, or acquiring information on the type of death that occurred as well as about their own grief.**
Reassuring themselves and others that they were and still are loving parents.
Letting go of fear and guilt when the time seems right and the grief seems less.
Accepting that they are allowed to feel pleasure and continue their lives, knowing their love for their child transcends death.

** Grief support groups are often available through area hospitals, churches, or local chapters of national organizations, such as State SIDS or SIDS Alliance programs or through support organizations, such as SHARE, Resolve Thru Sharing, Compassionate Friends, and others.

When children die, the bond doesn't break... [But] the parents face two mutually exclusive facts. The child is gone and not coming back, and the bond is...as powerful a bonding as people have in their abilities... [Bereaved parents attempt] to let go, not of the child, but of the pain