I feel so stuck. Like I cant move forward or in any direction in my life at all since Stella died, and even more so now that we are over a year out from her death. My husband was asking me if I wanted to plan a vacation for the two of us sometime in January or February. We have NEVER had a vacation, never had a honeymoon or a wedding for that matter. But all I could think about is "I hope I am pregnant by then".
I didn't even want to plan a vacation, I WANT to be pregnant, I WANT to have a young little child in my life again, just once more. I really feel like I am still waiting for Stella, or waiting to live the life I had planned.
I prepared mentally and physically for 9 months for waking in the night to nurse, cloth diapering, little pitter patter of feet and teaching a child to sit and walk and carrying around a little human. I was so ready for the beauty that only a child beholds. The fresh new outlook on life.
I WANTED THAT SO BAD and I STILL DO. I don't think I can move forward unless I have lived through those motions in life. I am stuck here waiting for this all to happen. Will it ever? I couldn't even answer my friend who wants to plan a destination wedding in Jamaica next Dec. I want to be home with a baby, I want to be pregnant. I want this more than vacations or destination weddings. I want it more then anything right now. I feel like a toddler in the midst of a tantrum and I WILL NOT MOVE until I have that next step. I CANT really. I don't know how. I don't want anything else. I was SO READY FOR YOU STELLA. Where did you go? Why did you leave me like this??? :*(
2 comments:
I'm so sorry sweetie. I too am stuck. I'm scared I'm going to be stuck till I die. I'm planning a trip to the Ocean in January. It will be my first visit to the Ocean since Calypso was born and died (and her ashes were scattered into the sea there) I hope.... this might give me some healing
I'm too terrified to make a decision either way. It took us 5 years to get pregnant with our first son and 3 years with Nathan. I'm scared we'll never be able to have more children... yet, I'm scared to be pregnant. Just the thought of chancing having to go through this again makes me scared. I'm sending you many hugs and lots of sticky dust.
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