10/30/11

I wanted to make a little video for everyone who remembered and honored Stella on her birthday, and also for her....if she can see it. I compiled pictures of gifts and cards we received, various balloon releases around the globe that my lovely DDC mommas did for her, her birthday cake that auntie Korin made, the cupcakes me and the kids made (sad attempt at rainbow cakes, they looked more tie dyed which is OK with me...i don't even eat cake) and a lantern release we did the evening of her birthday.
The whole day was an emotional one, as every day can be. Her birthday however has a strong tug at my heart. I felt moments of aloofness, sadness, strength. I kept looking at the clock and going back to exactly where i was 365 days before that very moment in time. It hurt. I wanted to go back.
I visited the hospital as well that day. My oldest, Briana, and I went together and brought up packets I compiled of baby loss info, brochures, foundations, some infant loss awareness pins and some mommy of an angel bracelets. I put together a special package as well for a NICU or Full-term loss. I included this Angel Baby Book, some pins, bracelets and some of the brochures. I bought it a few months after I has Stella and never filled it out. I really feel like if I WAS going to, I would've already. I am not much for baby books to begin with, unfortunately, so I passed it along. I feel deeply saddened to know someday a mother will be filling that out. A mother who has to feel this pain and grief.
 I know the packages I received where with great gratitude, so it is all so very bittersweet.
One of the operating nurses from Stella's birth was at the station when I arrived. She is actually the nurse who puts all the memory boxes together too, so she was honored to see me again and receive the items I had for her to help others. We chatted for awhile and also ran into my old OB. (He delivered both my 1st and 2nd children) I didn't bother going over to say HI because he was giving a very pregnant mother a tour of the floor. That probably would've been awkward. So I casually avoided that and said a little prayer that the mother i seen would never have to join this dead baby club or need the items i dropped off that day. My OB waved as I got on the elevator, I could tell he was a little upset i didn't approach him. I kindly waved back and headed down from that 3rd floor.
The day prior to Stella's birthday I also went and got some ink done. I had a tattoo planned for Stella awhile back and jumped up one day on a whim and got it done at a parlor I don't usually get work done at, and for a good reason. I drew 4 of the 5 tats I have now and Stella's moon/star was one. The artist just didn't please me with his work so I went just the other day to the artist i have had work done with already. He redid the entire tat and to the EXACT-ness of what I had in mind. I am so happy with how it turned out! You can catch a glimpse in the video below. My artist is also working up a huge willow tree to encompass the hooper and moon/star and wrap around my calf. I am anxious to start on that one too! (INK LOVER!)
The evening of Stella's birthday was nice. A couple drinks with my sisters and mom, sushi and a lantern release. And the ever constant yearn for my baby like a piece if string was attached to my heart and tugging all the way up to heaven. I miss her so much....
I hope you enjoy her video.
And I want to thank everyone again for the constant prayers, thoughts, cards, gifts and love I have received from you all thought out this last year. (((((HUGS)))))