triggers

Sometimes things you just cant seem to avoid are constantly pushed in your face and the emotions it brings are just so overwhelming you feel like spontaneously combusting. I will have days now, a good run of maybe 5, that I feel OK.  Having pangs of hope and a little acceptance maybe, then just the sight of a picture can toss that all out the window. I keep coming back to this place where everything is just not as it should be. I feel cheated, ripped off, at a loss really. I have arranged my life to fit in a little 11 month girl who is no longer here. I just don't know how, or if I even want to, re-vamp my life to just be what it is now, with out her. I feel like I am still waiting for her. Like I should still be pregnant. My life is missing another child and I honestly don't think I will ever feel complete unless I get to experience pregnancy and child birth again, but with a positive ending. I just really don't think I will be able to get over this. It makes me think of some crazy shit too, its almost borderline desperation, maybe it is. I can only go for so long pretending like everything is honky dorey. I just cant function like that, its dishonest. I want another child, I want another chance, a chance to do it right. I know I wont be able to give it up. I just cant. I keep reading blogs of people who are pregnant with or just had their rainbow baby and how healing it was or is to them. I understand that the pregnancy will be different and most likely difficult emotionally, but that is a risk I am honestly willing to take. I don't want to live the rest of my life not being able to look at baby pictures or feel excited for a friend or family member who is pregnant or has a baby. I cant keep living like that. I want the excitement to be pure and real. Not fake and seeded with jealousy through out my insides. Its not fair for me or anyone else for that matter. I need another shot or I am fucked. I will forever hold some kind of resentment not getting another chance, and I will just never have that spark from with in again. I need that and as selfish as it sounds, I feel I deserve it.