I haven't been writing here much lately. Still my emotions are all over the board. I have good days and I also still have bad days as well. Coming up here on the 28th of this month is Stella's 1st birthday. I am aching more and more as the days grow closer. I am missing her more and more. I watch as my niece and nephew, both with in weeks of age from Stella, start to walk and hit all of these deeply touching moments in the first year of life I don't get to enjoy. I did all the work and get none of the reward. Instead of planning my daughters 1st birthday party I have been busy planning a Walk To Remember. A LOT OF WORK BTW!!! We held the walk over the weekend on Saturday October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was a windy day, but sunny and the temps were decent as well. The tents got a good beating in the wind and we had to hold them down with buckets filled with bricks. What ever works! I spent a lot of time in the last 5 months planning this along with some really special people. Everyone that came together to help was just beyond amazing, and I am filled with the deepest gratitude towards each and every one of them. We had a nice chalk name drawing both on the B-Ball court we set up the registration and balloon tent on and also along the path where we walked. People were welcome to add babies of their own to the names as well. Around 1pm I said a little thank you speech and had my sister read the poem The Cord, I was planning on it but cried my eyes out and choked up after the first paragraph so my sister Korin read it for me (THANKS!) My fellow BLM friend Kim also read a poem and we handed out balloons and let people write names and messages on each. I cued the balloon release with the song Glory Baby from Watermark. Touching beyond words. I hope some one videotaped it, pictures cant even begin to express the beauty in that moment. We walked a good 5 miles to a park at the other end of the bike trail and held a family picnic and raffle to raise money for some foundations and organizations that have helped me especially in the early days of my grief and continue to help families enduring child loss everyday. Our totals reached upwards of $1,280!! We are also expecting a $500 grant to go straight to Holden Uganda in the near future. This gives me a couple hundred to donate to each foundation on my list! I am beyond words with how grateful I am for all the people who helped make this a beautiful turn out!
After the big event, now I am having the feeling of "let down", not because of how the turn out was, but because now that its over all I have coming next is Stella's birthday, and that makes me so very sad right now. Just weeks after I have to look forward to my niece and nephews birthdays. Which honestly makes me hyperventilate. HOW the FUCK do you get through THAT!?!? ugh......I am already crying.
Then another year with out Stella.........I cant do this. :*(
I went into the Dr. the other day, really hoping I was pregnant. That was also a huge let down. I couldn't even get out of the hospital before I broke down. Then good ole AF came 4 days early and with a vengeance, the day before the walk. Go FREAKING figure. I need something to look foreword to. Something good. I have nothing but days I am dreading. Days that I *Should* be happy for, everyone else will be, but me. I will be the lonely grieving mom in the corner who's baby should be 1 and should be at these birthday parties and isn't. She is in an urn on my dresser, dead. that is BULLSHIT and makes me want to crawl under a rock. How do I get through these days? HOW??
I have been in counseling again, not really helping. He kept getting on me like I don't know Jesus, like I am not a christian. That shit seriously PISSES me off. Just because I am having a hard time makes me not christian? Like I DON'T know Jesus? Or haven't asked him into my life!?!? WTF is that BS? THAT is WHY i don't care for church and all that BS. My relationship with God shouldn't be questioned, people should NEVER question others spiritual relationships or ask them to accept Jesus when they have said they did. That makes people feel like SHIT. Like what they've done or do in their time with God isn't "good enough". Just because *I* have some rough days doesn't mean I don't believe. UGH that makes me peeved. In my honest opinion, that kind of questioning and behavior isn't very Jesus like. I don't think ill be going back. That is why I stopped going to our church, stupid comments like "Oh, haven't seen you in awhile, thought maybe you forgot Jesus" Really???
I don't go out and boast my relationship with God. Its personal. I can let others know what may work for me, but I DON'T question their relationships with God, so please don't question mine. thanks.
Yeah, so that is life for me 11 months 2weeks and 6days out. It still sucks. I am still sad and life still goes on.
Here are a few pics of the Walk to Remember.
Here is a
link to the Album on FB<------
Enjoy and God bless.
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