A year......one whole year.

Today marks a year, the day Stella was born just one year ago. The day she died, the day my life became what it is now. The fire was lit. The building tumbled. My heart shattered.
What is this day? A day I should celebrate or a day I should dread?

On one side of the coin, celebration. This is the anniversary of my child's 1 full year in glory. Does it even matter in heaven? Time is of no concern, it doesn't exist in heaven, not like it does here, so should it matter?

The other side; Dreading. This is the day my child died. She was pulled from my womb and my life was instantly broken. My heart has since ached so badly for my daughter and it has made full circle. I feel like I should be starting over. Another year with out my little Stella bean. Another year of broken.

My two oldest children made cakes this evening (still havnt went to bed) little rainbow cupcakes with pink strawberry frosting. We also bought little star candles we may or may not light. I would love to make a wish, but that one thing I want I just cant have. I can never have her here with me, back in my arms full and healthy. I will never get to dress her in all the cuteness I spent those 9 months buying, loving and creating.

When I wish I wish and PRAY for my children to be safe. To live a full healthy life. I want to die before anymore of my children go. That is what I wish for.
I would love to wish for a rainbow baby. All that looks doubtful, but maybe God will work his miracles.

I will spend Stella's birthday first bringing a package to the hospital that I compiled of brochures and pins and such for others who will have to endure this path in life. That is one bitter sweet kind of thing to me. Another wish I would wish for, that no one else would have to endure this. Again a doubtful wish.
Later I will enjoy the company of my sisters and mom, drink a martini and chat.

Just carry on. What else can you do?

I miss my daughter, my little sweet Stella Bean, The hole in my heart is magnified today, I swear as soon as the clock struck midnight, the date changed, the ticker on this blog changed, on my FB.....It was an instant tug at my heart. A yearning to be back there, to hold her even if she was still dead, i want to see her...kiss her, love her. I cant I cant I cant. All i can do is carry on, kiss her little silver moon as she rests in ashes deep inside it, her tomb.

Fly high my angel...........