Re-Hashing.....over and over again.

Now that the holiday season is approaching yet again, another Thanksgiving and Christmas with out Stella, I look back at where I was just a year ago in my grief. I was not even months out from loosing Stella last year at this time. As I read through and remember how I was feeling and what I was writing I cant believe myself. I cant even understand how I was able to function and go "Black Friday" shopping with my MIL let alone deal with holidays in such deep grief. I HAD to have been so freaking NUMB to even be able to deal with any of that. I am not sure if I am feeling even more grief stricken this year because I am no longer numbed from loosing her but full out feeling every single bit of sadness and longing now being a year out of this hell. Not even "out" but from the epicenter I suppose. My husband wanted to dig out all of the Christmas decor and start putting it up around the house today and lets just say that before a wedding this afternoon and after 3 really grief stricken days, it just wasn't a good time. Maybe it never is a good time, but now, no, not good AT ALL.  I want to throw every single decoration away honestly. Maybe I need a good fresh decor plan. I really don't know. I do know that I am just NOT happy. I am not "in the Christmas spirit" what so ever. Maybe its too early, maybe I am just too sad from the last few days of the grief waves crashing me over to even snap out of it yet and get a feel for Christmas. I freaking HATE this "new normal". Its not normal AT ALL really. IT SUCKS! I cant even look at pictures of my older children and feel joy. I feel sick, I feel sad. They are all growing up so fast and all I can see is what Stella should look like, what I am missing out on with her and how far out I am from when I really felt joyous inside. I will never feel that deep amount of joy inside me until I die and am united with Christ and Stella and all those I love above. Life doesn't hold such joy. Only heaven is capable of that. We just get tiny little teases of what joy really is here on Earth, and we usually don't recognise it until we have to endure the deepest of pains and suffering. I feel like I missed out. my time of joy is over now and it feels like I just have to endure the pain, endure "life" until its over. I pray my children can feel joy and they can live happily and never have to endure this bullshit. I swear it feels like it ruined me. My husband would agree also. That is all I hear. How fucked up I am now. How sad I always am. How angry I always am. It sucks. I hate this.
When can I feel real joy again?
God when is this going to be over?
Can I have joy in this life again? REAL JOY? deep with in me?
I am just not sure. I will always long for her. I will always be sad she is not here and that sadness trumps everything else.
Maybe when you try to be strong and "deal with it" right off the bat, the sadness just lingers for longer? I am just not sure.