I write here and share, with all of you who read, many of my deepest feelings on how this event has altered my entire existence. I reach out to so many parents all over the globe on how child loss has affected them and try to learn and grow into my "new normal". As of now i am so FAR OFF of who i was, who i am or even who i hope to be someday. Loosing Stella is something so personal and attacks every aspect of my being. It has been the biggest blow to my faith i have ever encountered. Loosing a child affects people on many levels and i am sure most other people have similar feelings as i do. But i really feel loosing a pregnancy or infant at birth has GOT to be the most personal blow one can receive, personally, especially as a woman. I don't know how much more i can emphasize that. It did happen to my family, this i know, but really it HAPPENED to me. It didn't just emotionally affect me, I was physically changed. It took a blow to my deepest beliefs, dreams and fears. I really don't know if my husband or family really know just how deeply this has affected me and effects me on a daily basis. Maybe they don't want to know? Maybe its so deep they cant see it or refuse to, to spare the hurt on themselves. Like my pain is in a box and they can see the box but refuse to look inside, knowing how scary, ugly & painful it will be. I LIVE in that box every day. I wish i could just pretend like everything is OK, like i will be just fine and i can just "get over this". But this pain is just a permanent as this scar that races across my stomach, all awkward, crooked and longer than any other average Csect scar. It makes itself known daily, not only by visual but physically. It hurts, it itches, its makes me so damn uncomfortable its unbearable to wear normal clothes most days. I put this out there, i put myself out there, i want to be understood especially by the ones who i love. I know it affects my family, but they're not reminded every waking second of their lives. It wasn't their dreams that were shattered, their plans or aspirations, their LIFE or physical being. I feel very alone in this box. Like everyone is there, standing around this box i reside in, but no one want to look inside or climb in here with me. Some days i wish someone would, but really i don't wish this pain upon anyone. I suppose God made this a battle i have to fight on my own anyways. Its personal for a reason. Maybe this box is my cocoon, and my pain is some big transformation. I hope someday i can emerge a more beautiful person and not die here in my box, alone.
1 comments:
Krystal. Please know that as your sister, as Stella's aunt, I do grieve. I miss her, and you very much. I may not be in "the box" persay, yet everyday I think of Stella. Everyday I wear my Aunt of an Angel bracelet, it helps me to remember that I do have a guardian angel watching over me. As hard as it is to grieve, it is harder to not LIVE the life that God has given you. He doen't want you to suffer, Krystal! This world that we live in is NOT what he created it to be. If we blame God for what goes wrong in our life, why can't we thank him for everything that goes right in our life? He created Stella with every bit of love that he has for each of us. She is perfect, as are you. He took her. Not because you did something wrong. NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. Not one human is perfect! What God took from you, from us, I believe is meant to teach us. Show us what we take for granted in life, and lead us closer to Him. He wants us to succeed, love, and cherish every moment that we are given. He gave you Stella for His own reasons, as He took her for His own reasons.
You are never alone! Everyone gets caught up in life's happenings, that does not mean that we don't want to be here for you. Please don't think that we don't WANT to be there for you! I do! If it means that I listen, and grieve with you, so be it. I could cry a million rivers for the loss of Stella.
You are not the only one that thinks the "what if's" when you see a pregnant woman, or an infant. I think about Stella when I look at Addison. I wonder what she would be doing, what she would look like. I give Addison a million kisses... and I wish some could be on Stella's cheek. :*(
You are right, we as your family are not reminded every waking second. Yet, our dreams for Stella were shattered, She is part of our family! We had dreams for our life that included Stella, that included YOU. Please don't pull away from us. You are loved and cherished WAY more than you know. Not only by your family, but by God.
I love you my little sister.
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