5 months

I can not believe it has been 5 months since i said goodbye to my little Stella Grace. This roller coaster has threw me for loops in my soul i didn't even know were imaginable, feelings no person should ever have to endure. But here in this imperfect Earth (hell, i feel most days) loosing a child happens and all too often. Tragedies happen everywhere, everyday. Suffering and sadness, loss and loneliness. I thought a few months back i was healing well and learning to accept this. But as the numbness and haze began to lift the picture of hell became all to clear, and i was sucked into the hole of despair. The longing for my daughter has consumed more of me then i even knew existed. This darkness has crept into every corner of my life. Its made every tragedy, reaching around the globe, over shadow any ray of sunshine that had ever warmed my skin. How can God let this evil, tragedy and suffering occur and run rampant all over the world? how can this be?? Why? Why would he let my beautiful little girl grow to perfection and let me prepare to the very end, and after i am perfectly ready, excited and SO FULL OF HOPE AND DREAMS just snatch it all away? Leave me here on earth to suffer and have not one reason or answer as to WHY?!?! I feel so wounded, judged, prosecuted, punished.....broken. I feel that i will NEVER be good enough in Gods eyes as much as i try. Which seeps into my family life, and how ill never be good enough for them, for anyone? I failed. 5 months of this grief i have been living. I have prayed and begged God to take this, but everyday, as soon as i feel like i will be OK, its thrown in my face, everything i lost, everything that was taken from me. I cant even go on vacation or out to eat with out the waitress or receptionist being pregnant, or the lady with the little girl who seems to be directly over my shoulder everywhere i go. WHY!?!? What did i do? What do i have to do to get past this?!? I cant even read the Bible with out feeling punished and not good enough. I MISS YOU STELLA. I miss me too. You took the best parts of me when you left. Come back to me so i can handle living this life........ or just take me with you.

I shit you not, as i was writing this on my support group journal and watching the news, they aired a "Stella Screaming contest" that occured in New Orleans over the weekend. So all i heard for 5 minutes was (((STELLA))) over and over and over...... really? :*( how more "in my face can you get than that?!" is God mocking me now?