Where I Am Now~ 1 year 7months

Angie over at Still Life With Circles invited us BLMommas and Poppas, yet again, to share where we are in our grief journey.
 I participated in this last year as well, you can read my post on that here. I was 7 months 6days out when I wrote that blog post.  Today I am 19months out on the dot. And honestly I had to revert to my "ticker" to realize it is indeed the 28th of the month and marks 1 year and 7months. I used to hyperventilate days before every 28th of the month came. Now they come and go and sometimes I don't even realize it until the month is over and her day has passed. Grief has twisted and turned, and morphed into so many different faces with in the last 19months. It has become anger for much of that. I have become quite calloused & numb in that time as well. I don't see life as beautifully as I once did, which is really quite sad.
The other day I seen a post on FB that explained life as "A sexually transmitted disease that always ends in death and has no cure" That is really the attitude I have acquired in my grief lately.
A whatever, kind of attitude.
I have also had so many battles with-in my faith, it is absurd. A couple of those battle and questions, I suppose you can call it, is;
1) If heaven is so perfect and wonderful, then what is the point of this life?
 I feel it is some kid of punishment and purgatory most of the time. When grief hangs heavy especially.
2) If God knows and has planned our life already and what he deems to be will be, then what is the point of praying for things to be different?
Like if some one is dying and people ask for prayers. Does that really have any kind of affect on the outcome?? If they were to die, they would, if not then they wont. Right?
What do prayers like that even do?
For me prayer has become more asking for the safety from evil for my children.
I do pray and have hope that He would never take another one of my children before he takes me.
I pray to give thanks and I pray for him to bring me serenity and peace.
But I have lost the ability to pray for God to change whatever his plans are. Seems a bit backwards I suppose.
I feel like I just have to be numb and accepting to whatever comes and have hopes (no expectations because that ultimately brings nothing but disappointment) that everything will be OK.

Death has also become a very numbing thing, really in everyday life. I have seen so much death in these last few years its really (lost for this word) heartbreaking? Absurd?
Everyone from 2 of my aunts, an uncle, a sister in law, my daughter, our babysitter, whom I have known since her birth and died at 19 in a car accident) and my "2nd mother" (BFFs mom) and that is just to list a few.
It is really just too much sometimes.
So I have grown numb to it. 
I have a hard time saying that I am "sorry" for peoples losses sometimes. Just because I feel they are somewhere better then here. They made it home.
This way of thinking I'm sure cant be healthy. But its protecting something in me I suppose. 
Some kind of internal survival mechanism. A bitter calloused one, maybe.

I look for Stella a lot too. I will find heart shapes in random places and think maybe they are signs from her. I find penny's and also think of her. I feel so very far away from her though.
I still fall into melancholy depression randomly as well.
On subjects like having more kids or not, to selling off Stella's belongings.
I decided to list Stella's Stash on a FB buy sell trade site and when I opened up her bin of beautiful wool and diapers, I lost it. 
It wasn't the tear falling whimper, lost it.
It was the deep wailing, soul ripping kind of cry that I'm sure the neighbors heard.
I haven't done that in a long time.
I have been occupying myself with bad habits. Ones that keep my mind off of what I want and cant have and keep me in the waves of preoccupation. Just afloat.
 I often fall & sink below the surface, becoming overwhelmed in the grief. A shot of Jameson's usually brings me back to the "It will be OK, just breathe" place.
 I'm afraid if we don't ever try for another I could easily become an alcoholic if grief carries on the way it is.
 I'm a controlling kind of person who rarely falls into any kind of addiction, but losing a baby forces you to let go of any kind of ideas of having any kind of control at all. When that card is pulled the whole house can fall, easily.
We had a "slip up" last week. So I am in the 2ww phase, my last chance really. I told my husband that if we did not conceive he can just go ahead with the big V, if that is what he wants. I have to accept that maybe having another child just may not be in my future. The one thing I have known and become since I was 15. A phase in life I  have to  move on from. That is hard. Its all a part of growing and learning to accept I guess. Finding what I am besides being a mother. The one job I love and knew. I don't really know where to go from here. And maybe because I don't want to, I cant figure it out. 
Day by day. That is really where I am, still to this day 1 year and 7months out from the epicenter that was the atomic bomb that fell into the center of my life.
I wish I could find a better way to paint this picture. A more beautiful painting. Stella deserves a beautiful painting. The blackness with in me left from her death leaves me painting black circles, over and over. Someday I hope to find those colors, the colors of the rainbow and be able to paint the picture she deserves.