Here I am, its been awhile. Sitting on the living room floor surrounded by a rainbow of wool, PUL and cotton. Woven together to fit Stella's tiny little tushy to perfection. Matching headbands, baby legs, little colorful snappy's and patterned fitted diapers that match woolies and t-shirts. Essentially her wardrobe. More than the clothes and outfits wouldve been. Tears streaming down my cheeks and a wail escapes my chest. Monkey farts. I love that smell. The only other liquid that has touched these diapers are water and tears. They are quite absorbent, soaking up each drop that falls.
I am alone, this is the only time I let myself fall apart like this. The only times I open this bin and really look & I see her. I see her toddling around in this rainbow of color, I literally sewn together. They are hers.
I recently was added to a group on FB for buying, selling and trading cloth diapering and natural mothering supplies for the little light in your life. I have been selling off a lot of Stella's stuff recently. I had a rummage and sold a lot of the essentials every mom looks for. The "regular" essentials like swings, clothes, socks, a diaper bag stuffed with what you need. It was hard, its been hard but I pushed through many of the sales.
I decided to post pics of "Stella's Stash" on this forum. The pic's I took back while I was still pregnant with her and over joyed to share. I didn't post prices, like my post before, you just cant straight off put a price on this stuff. And this stuff is the core of my emotions, tied to any materialistic thing, that was her. There is no price.
I had a few woman, all off my DDC (due date club) that were expecting another, interested in the diapers I had listed. I suggested a price and they pm'd me for a shipping quote. So I went down into my daughters room, into her closet where I had once kept all of Stella's stuff and left behind this one bin.
I dragged it up the stairs and cracked it open to find the diapers that were intended to be sold.
It was like hitting a brick wall.
The colors, smells, dreams that appeared once again as I dug through and scattered them across my living room floor. One by one.
I dug quickly in this bin yesterday. Just to snag up a few diapers for my niece, whom I was babysitting for the day. I HAD to use a few, at least once....
As I got to the bottom of the bin I found 3 wool wraps. The bottom was where the biggest diapers were and these were the M & L ones. She would fit into these now, if she were here and my visions of her were truely alive.
The tag on the diapers say "Cloth for your Angel".
Back to the wail.............
I have to keep these.
This is all I have left of that dream. The "before". These are hers.
I bailed. I bailed out on the people interested in her stuff. I jumped on line, tears still clouding my vision and deleted the album. Messaged the mommas, posted on the page that I was in fact not selling her stuff and shut the computer.
I'm just not ready.
Its all still there, strewn across the floor in that beautiful rainbow. Back in the closet it goes.
My little skeleton (baby) in the closet.
Is this wrong? I feel like a hoarder keeping all of this beauty. Not sharing. Maybe its is because this beauty is tainted? There is a huge shadow weighing in this beauty and I dont want to burden anyone else with it? Maybe I'm selfish? I cant let this go........
Not only would this be me giving up her dream, it is also giving up the dream that
I will ever get to use these on a future "rainbow baby".
Giving up on or letting go of something you love is hard & I dont think I am strong enough.
5 comments:
Not wrong, this is how you get to mother your baby girl. There is no right or wrong in grieving, you'll know when/if you're ready.
No, you aren't wrong. You have a very strong emotional attachment to these items Since the begining, this is what you've talked about, it seems alot of your thoughts of Stella seem to revolve around the fact that she was going to wear these diapers.. so I can't imagine you wanting to sell them. You most likely won't keep them forever, someday you'll be ready to give them up... but don't force yourself to be ready before you are.. But even if you choose to never get rid of them.. it's not wrong. There's no right or wrong way to grieve the fact.. But I honestly can't see you ever using them on a Rainbow baby. It seems these are Stella's, and ONLY Stella's. I was really surprised you put them on another baby to be honest.
Bottom Line. Don't feel bad or "wrong" for changing your mind about the sale. If you can't do it, don't do it.
aw mama. so so sorry. nothing more to say
I meant to comment on your post about selling things at the garage sell. I can so relate and remember those feelings. It is hard, it is STILL hard for me to be getting rid of Sierra's outgrown clothes, the memories attached to them and thinking about how I should be reusing them for Adelyn. I took pictures of all of Adelyn's things it and sold them, I really needed the cash. I just tried not to think about it too much. When you are ready, you will be ready, but if you aren't, that's ok too. I kept a few things, gave some away, traded some with another BLM for her boy stuff.....I just went with my heart on what to keep, give, and sell. I'm struggling with what to save of Sierra's now....it's so hard.
I still have the few things that I bought for my very first angel baby (nearly 6 years ago). I've hauled them around through 5 moves, and had to work hard to keep them hidden from nosy roommates who just wouldn't understand. I still pull them out every once in a while, there is a little tiny pair of yellow shoes with kittys on them that make me sob every time I see them.
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