And maybe its the wrong place to be? Maybe I shouldn't be honest at all? Maybe i should bottle it all up and put all my grief some place no one can see. Just like I did with all of Stella's belongings. Packed away perfectly and stored in a closet. I wouldn't want to offend anyone while stating my grief or putting it plain and simple "This" is how *I* feel today. If you are afraid that what I may say would shock, hurt or stun you then dont read and dont ask. I put it ALL OUT THERE, I dont hide "behind" or from my grief. I deal with it HEAD ON EVERY DAY. Maybe I shouldn't. maybe I should hide it all away. Then *I* wouldn't hurt anyone by the simple fact that this shit hurts. Some days more then others, but it does non the less. I'm honest. If you think I need some kind of professional "help" or I need to find other means of seeking happiness, you dont know me. That or YOU refuse to SEE past MY grief. I have great days. I have days filled with happiness. But when I state those days I dont, its all anyone can see. I dont generally write here when I'm having a good day. Because Its those days I dont need the time and writing to sort it out or hear from other mothers how they dealt with it. I just live it. So if you think you really have an in on how i live my life everyday just because you read this blog you are sadly mislead. If you want to know and see me, that is what you need to do. SEE ME. and remember me when I AM happy. When you recognise that more than seeing only my grief and NOT ME, you are missing out on A TON!
Some days when the grief is heavy, sure, that's all I can see too. But I'm sure to still crack a smile sometime in the day, kiss my kids and husband and feel truely grateful for that. Laugh at myself or some other oddity only known to man. Look at the stars and feel so small but so full of life and light. Sit in prayer and talk to God and feel filled. That hole from Stella will ALWAYS be there until I am reunited in heaven some day. Some days its magnified, i can't help it and it actually helps me feel closer to her. The comments about me grieving "wrong" or needing "help" or whatever, those make me feel farther from her. Farther from where i need to get, to feel. just give me a freaking hug and tell me you love me. Tell me how you feel, if you miss her. let me know i'm not alone and in need of some other kind of "help" because YOU cant "help" me. Sometimes i just need to talk about her with out being judged or examined on my mental state. it hurts, it does, but i get past it. i take it one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. Maybe Ill just keep it all to myself. I never meant to hurt anyone in my pain and grief. Sorry if MY life, sorrow, bad luck or grief hurts ya. I love ya anyways. Even when i hurt so bad i love.
ten years
6 years ago
3 comments:
I wrote the comment yesterday in which I included the recommendation for grief counseling. I didn't mean to suggest that you are greiving incorrectly. I don't think that there is any such thing. Your love for your beautiful little girl is inspirational and wonderful and totally appropriate. But I think that along with the missing and the sadness and the loss, there are a lot of other feelings jumbled in. A lot of anger maybe, and possibly even some guilt. And while there is nothing wrong with having these feelings, and they are definitely part of the sad lot you have been dealt, perhaps there are some tools you could use to help in dealing and processing all those other feelings. And I didn't suggest that because I think you are doing anything wrong, or not feelings things the right way, or I any such thing. I think it is the job if a friend to suggest things, even when they may be hurtful or unwelcome. Of course, it is also the job of a friend to stand back and support you as you live your own life and make your own decisions. So, I suggested it because I think having the tools to deal with life's crap is always helpful, but I totally respect that you don't think it is what you need or what would help you. In the meantime, I will continue to look forward to your updates, and when you do post, I will silently try to send vibes of support and when I see the stars (which, sadly, is rare here so close to the city), I will think of how your Stella is happy.
- D
Hun you do what's right for you. And don't listen to anyone else tell you otherwise.
Grief counseling is NOT for everyone and sometimes it does more harm then good if you don't get a good counselor. I didn't have grief counseling. I tried and had an awful experience and I continued on alone.
You are only 1 year 2 months out in this journey. You are still in the infant stages of grieving and everything you feel? It totally normal. The anger and guilt it's all NORMAL and anyone who says otherwise doesn't know this type of loss first hand.
I'm 4 1/2 years out and I'm doing wonderful most days but I still do have some guilt and anger. My friend 16 years out in this journey reassured me that it's NORMAL.
These tools for grief you can sometimes learn in grief counseling. However YOU will be able to get through it yourself too. You are a STRONG woman and you have friends who love you so so much! And who love Stella so so much.
I miss her too Krystal...I miss your little Stella...and I wish I could come give you a hug...thinking of you and Stella always...
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