Grief is a strange and aweful collection of behaviors and emotions. I have gone from total numbness to complete despair, being lost and confused to angry and bitter. I have recently hit a stage where I just want it all to be over. I want to keep it aside because when I concentrate on my dearest Stella my world just crumbles. I have not been able to write here for a long time either. I feel like I dont really have much else to say. It sucks, Im sad, I hate life, this sucks. A big circle of this sucks pretty much. Everytime I concentrate on my true deep emotions of what has become of this I go back to being sad, then angry, and the worst, bitter. I cant seem to shake the angry and bitter stage every time I start thinking of her. I dont like having my child's life be one of the very worst things that has ever happened to me. I hate it. Nothing is going well (or the way I would wish for myself) in life and it all seems to revolve around the fact that Stella died. I failed and I have to live with that forever in this life time. No going back, no get out of jail free card, no re-dos. Hell, I'm not even getting the chance to try again for a better outcome. So I am left with just trying to ignoring my real emotions. Dealing with it and moving on to whatever the heck is going to be thrown at me next. Laying down like a door mat and taking it. I haven't cried in a long time, a real deep honest cry anyways. A couple of weeks maybe. The last cry was an aweful break down in the car on the way home from Kohl's. Someone I hadn't seen in a long time approached me and extended her condolences. She read the article in the paper about the walk to remember and all about my failings as a mother. She to lost a baby around 13 weeks when I was pregnant with Elijah. This sick sad world. Babies shouldn't die. EVER. I am not sure if this stage is normal or if I have regressed to some mutated denial stage, ignorance. Accepting the fact that you just cant have what you want in life, so fucking get over yourself and be the crap pawn like everyone else and take it. yeah. I hate feeling bitter.
Maybe I am just a shitty grievieng mother, not at all good at this. Like people say "Your only as good as how you handle the hard stuff" Well it looks like im a pretty shitty person then cause dead babies make me pretty fucking whacked and sad.
Ill never get over this deep with in me. I dont understand how other mothers can just be all happy and "it was Gods plan and God is good so be happy" kind of attitude. Is it REALLY how they feel? I would love to just shit rainbows and have some honkey dorey attitude about my daughters death, but its just not happening. I would be lying if I said I was "ok" with this. Im not. Its not "OK" but I have to deal with it anyways.
ten years
5 years ago
4 comments:
I'm certainly not one of those mothers who feels happy or that it was God's plan for my daughter to die. But I am finding the grief slowly change to something that is less intense much of the time. I hope you are finding the same <3
i have been reading your blog. i am very thankful for the words you write,,, because it is the exact same feelings i had when my baby moved to heaven. she was still born 1.23.08 at 28 weeks.i never put together a blog,, but reading your is the words i would choose everytime. i thought exaclty like you. and for me too... there came a time in my greive that i didnt know what to say anymore. cuz for me it felt like i had said everything i needed and knew i had repeated it to everyone one to many times... but that was my reality. i had a story and it ended quickly. i have only a few short memories of my baby. and now im left with my emotions that people are tired of hearing because they never changed. you talked about acceptance. when i was greiving soooooooooo incredibly hard i thought there would never be a day of acceptance. i have come to the area of acceptance. and it has taken 4 years. there are many stages in my eyes of acceptance. and i pretty much bounce all around in the different areas. like i think there is anger acceptance, guilt acceptance, normal acceptance and greiving acceptance. just wanting to want to accept is a start. and just because i accept how things worked out with my baby... it still makes me sad. when you said..."Your only as good as how you handle the hard stuff" who ever said that to you is pretty wacked up themselves. i hope you know that.whats that saying supposed to mean anyways? so people that handle things well are good? and all others are bad... thats completely not sure. i know.. eassier said then done.. but forget about that quote. i too had so many people tell me quotes they pull out of a hat trying to help me.. whatever... never helped. when you say... I dont understand how other mothers can just be all happy and "it was Gods plan and God is good so be happy" kind of attitude. Is it REALLY how they feel? im not sure how others feel.. but i can tell you how i feel about that statement.... i think they want to feel that way... and sometimes they do.. but i highly doupt they feel like that at all times... and in my few point.. they probably feel that way more because they have had another baby. for some reason having another baby... is incredibly healing. i know for you ... your situation.. but could you consider maybe trying to have another. my friend had cancer and her husband got snipped. she wanted a baby sooooooo badly after those two things happened. all docters said she couldnt... and then 3 years later she got pregnant. getting pregnant can happen to you.. getting pregnant again. i know for me i thought that i would never get pregnant again. but i had a baby 3.5 years later... and it was the longest 3.5 years ever.. i mean it felt like 3 eternities. i tell you that becuase when i wasnt getting pregnant again and in my healing i kept asking people does having another baby heal.. and id get all this.. blah blah blah stuff nobody wanted to tell me the truth cuz they thought it would hurt me since i wasnt getting pregnant. i too was not ok with having my baby die. and then on top off that i always felt quilty for lying... when i told people that i was ok. who needs to feel quilty about saying there ok when they are dealing with greif. its a tough road your on. i hope this post i wrote is helpful. i know what i said is a huge pill to swallow. i think about your sweet stella every single day. and i come on here almost every day to see how you are. i know the feeling of remaing silent and hoping things get better. if you ever want to talk.. .im here. and ill check this area. but i know where your at... sometime you get to a point where talking about my feelings would just trigger more pain. i feel for you. and im here thinking of your and stella.
jen
Everything you say here sounds perfectly normal to me. I'm 2 1/2 years out from my loss,things have changed, but I still recognise so much of what you are saying here.x
I have never experienced anything quite like your loss and I won't pretend I can imagine it. You had a terrible, shocking, heart breaking experience.
You don't have to be OK with it. I don't believe suffering is part of God's plan (although He can provide comfort). We live in an imperfect world where terrible things happen. People who think anyone just "gets over" something like this are so wrong.
Please be gentle with yourself. Hope and healing and peace can be yours again but if they aren't right now, that's to be expected. I hope you can spend time with people who can let you be a grieving mother without feeling guilty.
Sending love to you and your angel.
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