I read once somewhere about "Seeing red, feeling blue" and how every month added to the regular hormone fluctuations, when a mother who has lost a child get their monthly "aunt Flo" that it just seems that much worse. Feelings come flooding back in, hormones leave you in a dark depression, and every "trigger" honestly seems to be right in your face. WHY is that???
I know that for me, my hormones are just aweful to me but also it is a reminder that I am, in fact NOT pregnant. Not with my little Stella, NOT with a sibling, NOT with any extra hope or a rainbow for my future. That puts a hard aching hole in the soul. Makes hope feel that much less. Draining more and more out of me each month. Nothing has changed on the home front. My husband still wants nothing to do with having another child. My 29th birthday is tomorrow and the age factor is now in play too. I know 29 is NOT "old" but its older then what I "wanted" to be having children. I wanted to be done by 30. That was my "cut off" age and my husband is playing that on me now too. That I'm getting too old to be having children. The risk goes up even more now too. I hate this. Why couldn't she just live and I wouldn't have to stress over every fucking little thing like this?? I wouldn't have to HATE birthdays of all kind, ESPECIALLY my own. I wouldn't have to feel jealously over little girls and pregnant people. I wouldn't have to kiss an urn instead of my child. I hate this. This makes me hate myself too. I feel like all of my spark for life was just drained. gone. she took my soul when she left. My 1st child Briana took my childhood, Eli took my heart and Stella took my soul. I have nothing left for another child anyways.......
I really dont see this ever feeling any better. It just gets worse. Day after day, month after month, year after year.
ten years
6 years ago
2 comments:
I am sorry that you are feeling like this. I felt the same way about wanting to be done having children by the time I was 30. Well, when I lost the twins, it all changed some for me. I am still feeling the pressure of time, but have changed my top age to 32. My husband felt the same as yours. We battled off and on for quite sometime. Finally, 19 months later, and alot of knowledge on my part, he has given the green light.
One piece of advice that really helped me came from a babyloss dad. He explained to me that there is alot of guilt coming from the dad. They had to stand there and not be able to do anything. Dad's are fixers, and when a baby dies, they are helpless. They have to work through that, and be willing to feel that way again, also. Once I really understood this, and backed off my DH for awhile, he began to come around.
Good luck and I hope this helps some.
I'm sorry. I had an OB appointment today because I'm still cramping and hurting (almost 6 months after delivering/losing Nathan at 17 weeks). Basically, I was told that my endometriosis is probably adhering to organs and "pulling" them. I have to keep a pain and symptom journal for 2 months and then go back for an ultrasound in March to discuss "the plan". (I hate the plan. Last time we had a "plan"... I ended up with a surgery that lasted twice as long as it was supposed to and still ended up losing an ovary and tube at age 25.) He then tells me "Of course, if you were to get pregnant... it would pull the adhesions away and the hormones would shrink them, in a sense."
Yeah... thanks. Great advice. I wanted to smack him and then say... #1 it took almost 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant with my first child (3 years to get Nathan). So um, pregnancy isn't necessarily a given... a "just go off the pill and go for it" kinda outcome for me. #2 It's only been six months (this coming Saturday) since I lost my baby. I should have a one month old right now! #3 I'm scared.. no, scratch that... TERRIFIED, at the thoughts of being pregnant again. I was a few days late the other month and I freaked out when I realized it. My heart started racing and I just cried. Why? I have no clue. I mean I would be happy and love another baby... but I just haven't sorted out my feelings about future children, if there are any.
Oh, and by the way... I'll be 32 this year and hubby will be 37, so I feel you on the age thing! Hubby wanted to be done with kids by 30 because he was an "oops child". His dad was almost 40 when he was born. He grew up with his nieces and nephews. He was 5 when his parents became grandparents. Some people think, even to this day, that he is his sister's oldest child. LOL. However, once we realized that infertility was going to rob of us many childbearing years... he relaxed a little on the numbers.
Good luck and I'm sending lots of hugs... whatever the decision ends up being.
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