Some people just have NO CLUE about grief or the amount of time this is going to be where I will still have hard days or even weeks sometimes. I am guessing for the rest of this lifetime. Its only been 14 months, I carried her for 9 months and had dreams of her till the day I died. Ive said this a million times and people still just dont get it. I didn't just lose a baby, I lost a lifetime. A life time of dreams, a toddler, a little girl, a woman, future grandchildren. I lost it all. When triggers occur that toss me into the depths of grief once again, saying things like "I just dont know what else to tell you" or "You need to start concentrating on things your grateful for" or some other BS "inspirational quote" you heard WILL NOT HELP! If you didn't realize words like those make us feel guilty for grieving our dead child. Is that fair to do to someone you "love"??? How about a hug and "I know this is hard, we love you" Why not that!? You cant "fix this" it ISNT "fixable" and It will hurt FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
I have been praying for a rainbow baby. My husband doesnt want anymore children and it KILLS ME. Leaves a hole in my soul not many people I know can relate to or understand. Not many AT ALL becuase most of the parents I do know that have lost a child have their rainbows or they're on the way. I see the healing it brings and it makes me feel like I cant never have that healing, that spark. They have that healing spark I am being denied of. A healing spark I feel I need and deserve. The other day a childhood friend stopped me in the store to tell me she was expecting her rainbow. We lost our daughters with in 3 months of eachother.
As I would love to be happy for her and I am, It tugs at a place in my heart that hurts so deeply. It throws me back into that grief, the waves that wash you right back to where you started. You start reliving it from the very beginning. When I mentioned this to the people I felt supported me I got shot down with some real hurtful words. Words that not only made me feel guilty of grieving my dead child but also made me feel like a lunatic for feeling the way I do. One person told me that "I wasn't emotionally ready for more children because the pregnancy announcement threw me back into grief" & That "I needed to ""DO SOMETHING"" about it" Like choose between my husband and my happiness. To move on and "do something about it". WTF can you do!?!?! Should I leave my husband just to have another child!? Its has crossed my mind hundreds of times, but he is MY HUSBAND and I LOVE HIM. IT hurts to even FEEL THAT, let alone be told that is my choice and I have to make it or I'll never be happy. Way to make me feel guilty for grieving, unsupported, and throw such a hard bug in the ear to digest. It killed me. I had to quit the DDC (a due date club i was in when I was pg with Stella) because 1/2 of these woman are getting pregnant and are upset about it. I couldn't stand the convos. Something I wanted SO BADLEY and am being denied of by my own husband, and these woman are getting pregnant like some freaking disease I must be immune to. It hurt on top of being the only one with the dead child of the group. These woman have been super supportive and loving and I love all of them for that. But I was at the point that I just felt like the constant downer. I KNOW more that 75% of them felt the same of me and my constant shit show of a life. I dont have it easy, and I never have, doubt I ever will either. Whatever. Ill come here and bitch about it. I really dont care if anyone reads this or not. This is where I digest my darkest feelings on grief, I have no where else to go anymore that I feel I can do this. I really dont know how I even handled staying in the DDC for long. With all the constant triggers. Maybe its made my grief that much harder all along? That is what my husband feels anyways. Maybe he is right? I will miss many of those mommas though. Also with the dream I had of Stella the other night, the triggers on the 14 month old pics of babies made it even harder to stay. As they get bigger the hole between me and my Stella feels that much bigger. It will grow always I know that, especially with my niece born only 2 days after Stella EDD and 19 days after her birth is a constant. I just dont understand why life seems to set me up for constant severe emotional pain? I am a very emotional person to begin with and either I will crumble or turn cold and hard because of this life. Neither of what I want. Maybe I'm here to make others feel more grateful for what they have? Maybe I'm a sacrificial pawn? Who knows.....All I do know is that this shit is NOT easy and It just doesnt "go away". So support me or "go away". I really dont need anymore guilt of grief, Ive got plenty.
I wanted to stop back and pop in a poem a friend of mine shared with me today....
Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know. Don't tell me that I will survive, how i will surely grow. Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed. That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest. Don't come at me with answers, that can only come from me, Don't tell me how my grief will pass.....that I will soon be free. Don't stand in pious judgement, of the bounds I must untie. Don't tell me how to suffer, and don't tell me how to cry. my life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see. But I need you, I need your love.....unconditionally. Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share, Just hold my hand and let me cry....and say "My friend, I care."
I also wanted to add that if you think i am pushing anyone away, your clearly mistaken. If that was the case NO ONE whould know when Im feeling the way I am, because I DO SHARE my feelings. But when I am chastized about my grief THAT is when I will pull away.
ten years
6 years ago
16 comments:
I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for you to take what I said as if I were telling you to get over it, I never said you will. I never judged your grief, Ive never said anything to intentionally hurt you, I never intentionally said anything to make you feel like you are crazy for how you feel. QUIT TWISTING MY WORDS. QUIT ACTING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS OUT TO GET YOU! QUIT HIDING BEHIND YOUR GRIEF!!!
IM AM NOT CHASTISING YOU ABOUT YOUR GRIEF, READ THE DICTOINARY. GIVING ADVICE IS NOT PUNISHING YOU FOR HOW YOU FEEL. ITS TELLING YOU HOW TO FIX IT!
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
Krystal, I was sad to see you leave the DDC but I understand why you felt the need to. I will be thinking of you and continue praying for your heart to heal.
I think of you often, Krystal. And I pray that someday you will find peace.
Much Love, sweet mama.
I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for you to take what I said as if I were telling you to get over it, I never said you will. I never judged your grief, Ive never said anything to intentionally hurt you, I never intentionally said anything to make you feel like you are crazy for how you feel. QUIT TWISTING MY WORDS. QUIT ACTING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS OUT TO GET YOU! QUIT HIDING BEHIND YOUR GRIEF!!!
IM AM NOT CHASTISING YOU ABOUT YOUR GRIEF, READ THE DICTOINARY. GIVING ADVICE IS NOT PUNISHING YOU FOR HOW YOU FEEL. ITS TELLING YOU HOW TO FIX IT!
Well that fucking HURTS. its wrong and DOESNT HELP nor does ANYTHING YOU HAVE SAID JUST NOW FIX ANY OF IT! wow....... chastising....that is exactly what your doing. you cant "fix it" and telling me im HIDING BEHING MY GRIEF!?!? that is fucking WHACKED and mean.
Stella is so much a part of you and all of us.
Not a single day goes by where somthing doesnt remind me of her.
Those tiny sweet little lips, that perfect little face. A spitting image of her big sister.
Sometimes I sit and look at Briana's pictures and pretend they are Stella. Silly.. maybe. But it makes me feel better.. for a minute anyways.
Iris told me.. out of the blue..
"Mom, I love Heaven"
I said" You do, do you?"
She replied" Yes I do, Stella is in Heaven and I cant wait to see her"
I stood there a little shocked... like.. What?
All I could say was " Me too baby, me too"
This crap ass Dr told me today that I may have MS.. yay. and all I could think of was what if I die and leave my kids behind... what would I do?!
First thought...
I would play all day with your daughter and tell her how much you love her. She would already know of course.. but I would tell her anyways.
<3 <3 <3
Krystal, as someone who has never lost a baby, or even a pregnancy, I have absolutely no idea what you are going through. I have not always made comments... Always afraid to say the wrong thing, or inadvertently pour salt into your wounds. Just looking at my little guy, and thinking about what life would be like without him, doesn't even give me a glimpse into your pain and suffering and I know that. I know I've said it before, but my heart aches for you everyday! I think about you, and the pain of just trying to go on with life, it must be horrible! I wish there was something I could say to bring you joy, something I could do to bring you peace or comfort, but I know that only God can bring you comfort and peace right now, so I pray that whatever way he chooses, he brings it to you. I know that nothing I say can change anything, but I hope you can take this piece of advice.... It doesn't matter how long ago you lost your baby, 14 months or 14 years, you don't have to get through tomorrow... You just have to get through today... one day, one hour, one minute at at time. I believe God has a rainbow baby for you, and I wish I could tell you when, but until then, just one day at a time. You are so loved, and you are not wrong for grieving. And please continue to share, I wish so much that I could take away your pain, but I know that I can't. I just hope you can find peace and comfort during this horrible storm. I wish I knew what else to say.... I just wish I could say something, anything to bring you comfort. Just know that you are so loved, and I'm praying that God brings you a rainbow soon <3
Krystal, I never said that I was unhappy, or that it was a disease, simply that i was shocked and very much surprised....surely you can understand that? In my post I said that he/she is a blessing, and that it is His plan for our family. Please don't think that I don't know how blessed I am! It has only been 39 hours since I found out I was pregnant and am completely onboard and excited...I am also a little nervous, but that is to be expected with soon to be 4 kids 5 and under. I love you Krystal, and never want to hurt you. I think and pray for you and stella daily. I'm sorry you left our DDC, and I understand....but please don't put this on me because of my post. I am entitled to voice my fears just like you are. Please come back if you feel you can.
Love and prayers,
Katie
KAtie, this really doesnt have anything really personally against ANYONE from the DDC. I just simply put out on here my honest feelings, not that is is anyone's fault at all. nor do i have any negative personal feelings against anyone there. just my take on MY position in the world and life in general. It has nothing to do with you or your post why i left either. It was a choice i made to take out some of the constant triggers. Cause obvously how i feel about things is wrong, so ill try to avoid it all in general. My husband also thinks it a good idea I stop all this blogging stuff too. Which may also be a good idea. Ignore it all and just pretend im ok with it all and maybe one day Ill just forget and will be. what other choice do i have if the way i am grieving now is WRONG to everyone. good luck to you all all the preggos there. I pray not one other person would ever have to feel this or be treating like so. god bless.
I don't think I have ever posted here, but I really got to thinking after reading your post. I am 37 years old. My mother and I talk first thing every morning. This morning I couldn't pick up the phone when she called bec my son was sleeping in my arms. She tried four times and then got into her car and came over. My point is, you NEVER EVER stop being a mother. All of your children are never far from your mind and your heart. It is wrong for people to tell you to stop grieving for Stella and missing her, and feeling robbed of all the promise of watching her grow.
I think maybe people just can't communicate to you correctly that they just wish so much that you didn't feel all this pain, and that you never had to go through a minute of it. And it comes out wrong and like they are saying you are wrong to be feeling it, but that may just be because their words are inadequate. Maybe?
I have been reading your posts lately, and your sadness is so heartbreaking. And you are right, there is this urge, even as a stranger to jump in and try to "fix it", and I think it is partly just selfish because people don't want to see you hurting. But I think that you don't need someone to fix it, but I do think that having someone hold your hand and just walk next to you, supporting you, and honoring you by listening when you want to talk, and being a quiet companion when needed would be so helpful, and I so wish you had that person. I did some research on this before I put out this recommendation, because I didn't want to recommend grief counseling if it was all about getting over "it". But it isn't. Grief counseling is about getting over the fact that you never get over it. It is about learning how to manage the new journey of your life.
Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there, though I am sure I am reinventing the wheel. Just wanted to put a different perspective on it, I guess. FWIW, I don't think you should stop the blog. I think it is a very healthy way for you to express your feelings and work towards processing them.
And, Katie, I am so sorry to hear about the possible MS diagnosis. I hope that further follow up with the doctor brings good news.
I'm grateful that several women in my birth club have lost a child and understand what I'm going through. (Okay... "grateful" is a bad choice of words but you know what I mean.) My birth club is from my first child. We were all due in February 2008. About 40 of us moved, several years ago, to a private board. I just never felt the need to join another board, when I found out I was pregnant with Nathan. A couple of them have also experienced a 2nd trimester loss, like me. I have gotten amazing healing and strength from them but it hasn't always been on the birth board. It has been mostly privately through email, etc.
For me blogging has been such a good outlet. Of course, I haven't shared my blog with very many people, outside of the baby loss community. I sorta like that it's "semi-private" because I don't feel like I have to "edit" it. I type and hit post. I don't re-read or edit. None of my family has even seen it... not even my husband. For some reason it easier for me to accept a complete stranger reading it vs. my family. (Weird, I know.) It's MY blog to post and vent and not care what anyone says or thinks. I also have my comments section moderated. I get an email and I can choose whether to post them or delete them. It makes me feel a little better/safer and more in control... in some weird way.
I think I will always wonder what should've been. Nathan would be turning a month old this Saturday, had he made it to his scheduled c-section date. A co-worker lost her son 15 years ago, this past Sunday. His twin sister celebrated her 15th birthday. She said she couldn't help but look at her and wonder what he would've been like. She said that most days are okay, here years later. However, there are days when it all comes back like it was yesterday. She couldn't even make it out to his grave that day. The pain and emotion was just too much.
I'm sending you MASSIVE amount of love, hugs, prayers and strength!! Don't let anyone tell you how to love, miss or honor your daughter. You are her mother and know what is best for you and her!!! You deserve, and have earned the right, to feel whatever it is that you feel.
This is a little piece of a post that I have on my blog, that I posted on December 19, 2011.
"I will forever be the mom of two boys. It's sad to think of how different the future will be for them. THIS is what I don't think people understand. When you lose a baby, it's not just for that moment or that year. It's forever. You lose all of the "what if's" and all the dreams for the future with that child.
I will watch one son grow up. I held him in my arms the day he was born and promised to love him until the day I die. I saw his first smile, first steps and first birthday. I'll see him off on his first day of Kindergarten. I'll cringe and worry when he gets his first set of car keys. I'll watch with tears and pride as he graduates high school and, hopefully, college. I will cut the strings and try to bravely let go as he ventures out into the world. Perhaps, he'll marry and have children someday. These are all things I look forward to when I think of Cameron.
When I think of Nathan, I think of all of those exact same things. The difference is in the wording. There is only one sentence that is the same as Cameron's.
I will never watch one son grow up. I held him in my arms the day he was born and promised to love him until the day I die. I'll never see his first smile, first steps and first birthday. I'll never see him off on his first day of Kindergarten. I'll never cringe and worry when he gets his first set of car keys. I'll never watch with tears and pride as he graduates high school and, hopefully, college. I will never be able to cut the strings and try to bravely let go as he ventures out into the world. He'll never marry and have children someday."
hi crystal
its jen
read your post today. im thinking of stella.
i think blogging is such a helpful thing for you and others. yet that last sentence may mean nothing since i could never put one together.maybe just take a break from it for a week of so.
things people say can be so emotionally hurtful. im so sorry it has to be this way. this raw and painful pain will lighten up. i promise. and i too think there is a rainbow baby out there for you. i just know it.
im thinking of you... all day long... and that little babe of yours
jen
I have tears reading this. I swear this was me 5 years ago. I know I always tell you that what you are feeling is normal but I will say it again. Everything you wrote I have been through. The pain of hearing of others pregnancies was almost enough to put me over the edge. Hearing that maybe they arent as excited is even worse. Us angel mommas get our backs up as we really wanted our children. Its normal to feel this way towards others concerning this. Its not that you are mad at them, its that you are dealing with something so horrible that you cant see past it right now. It doesn't matter that you have other children. I used to get so mad when people told me that. That I should be greatful for what I have and concentrate on them. Man, this nice christian woman wanted to punch them in the face! Having my other children have nothing to do with losing a child. Would you tell someone that has lost a mom that they still have their father around so they should be greatful? NO WAY! It doesnt lessen the fact that they lost their mother. Just because she was a baby doesnt mean that your grief should not matter. I just wish that everyone would understand that words hurt. Its hard for angel mommas to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The immense longing for another child is unbearable at times. Every time we hear that someone is pregnant it reminds us of what we lost. We are happy for YOU but sad for ourselves and thats ok.
Anyway, I know I rambled on and on but I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I wish no one had to go through this. Its the worse pain ever. No one knows how to handle it, peoples feelings get hurt on both sides. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings Krystal. You are very open and honest and that is good. You are not writing to hurt people who read it but writing in hopes that your friends/family will get a glimpse into what you are going through without judgment. Lets not judge you for your thoughts but love you for it.
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