To answer a few.....

I know when people post comments here, for the most part, they are all in good intentions. Some people may not realize that certain wording can really pack a punch to the soul. There REALLY is a difference, not only in how people project them selves but also in how they approach others in grief if they have lived though it. There is just NO WORDS because if you have not lived this grief of losing a child you have NO IDEA what it does to a soul.
Words like:

"dwelling" to us = "get over it already." We have no choice really, this is a process, and a long one at that.  Everyday I wake up is another I will NEVER share with my daughter. Another thing.

"Think about your other children" = "Forget about it, just concentrate on what you have here" Seeing my other children makes me ache deep down even MORE. These children were also robbed of their sibling. I will never get to see Stella grow like them, EVER. I will never get to kiss her boo boo's, rock her to sleep, kiss her AT ALL anymore.

"Remember your other children's births" = Makes me remember how Stella's didn't turn out at all what i had wished. My first two births didn't either. Yes I got 2 healthy children, but I had doctors screaming in my face and pushing drugs on me the whole time.  Just another reminder of what I will never get a chance to do again. That KILLS me. I will NEVER get the birth I want.

"Remember my wedding" HA! That was wretched. I was so fat and uncomfortable and my husband looked like a crack head because he was latent with an auto immune disease that was eating away at his body. I never got a honeymoon or reception. & I HATE my wedding pics. PLUS we have had the hardest last 4 years. This marriage is freaking HARD. I cant even begin to tell you.

"I see everything through a dark filter" REALLY?!?!? What is that shit?!? Maybe this is just my life, be glad you don't have to live what i have been though and have to endure EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
I sure am not shitting rainbows and unicorns, i am not ignorant or naive. I see it the way it is, and this IS the way it is. I have to deal with that. This is a process I have to endure and its ugly, dark, disturbing and every other difficult adjective.

"Think about what Stella would want" REALLY? You know what my dead baby wants?! I sure wish i had that kind of communication with my dead child. please share what she has told you.

"Having babies is a small part of a woman's life" Having babies has been the only thing that held my life together.  I had my first child at the age of 16. She was my ONLY reason to live. My kids make me. To leave the world of baby bearing in failure is something I don't want to do. PERIOD. If it wasn't for them I honestly would be some fucked up hippie chick tripping balls out side of some VW bus in CA or DEAD.

"You have been blessed with two wonderful children who seem to have no place in your life as you speak about how hopeless it all is and you don't want to be here and have nothing left." This comment is fucking WHACKED. and i would really like to smack who ever suggested such blasphemy. This person clearly has never had to experience the loss of a child. Telling me i am FAILING my other children or have NO PLACE for them in my life because of my grief!? You are whacked and FUCK YOU for suggesting such bullshit. You clearly don't know me. And if you do, shame on you for saying such bullshit.

Here are some other comments from fellow BLMs on the recent comments put on my blog. ESP the one here:

Anonymous said...

It makes me sad that you see everything through such a dark filter. I know you are trying to fight it. Stella's death has clouded everything deep down that you know you have to live for. She would not want that. She would want to be a beacon of light for you to use her life to help others, which you are trying to do and I am so happy about that. She would want you to be emotionally healthy to raise her brother and sister not in a dark cloud of despair but in the light of love. Focus on them Krystal. You can do it. Get up and out of the darkness. To hear you say your life is over and you have no purpose because you are physically done having babies is painful to hear. Having babies is just a small part of a woman's life. The bigger and more challenging part is living up to the responsibility that God has bestowed upon you as a mother. You have been blessed with two wonderful children who seem to have no place in your life as you speak about how hopeless it all is and you don't want to be here and have nothing left. Don't be blind to what stands before you. You will waste your life stuck in the darkness and this will have an impact on your beloved B & E. The time will come when the pain will lessen. I think you know that - it will. What you do with the time before that is up to you. Ask God to heal your heart and let go, not ever of Stella, but of the darkness that has no place in your life. You have much to offer the world Krystal Kaye."

Comments:

"I went to your blog to see what would've elicited such a comment and I didn't see anything! Your blog is a one where a mother is grieving her child and trying to make sense of the loss in a very confusing world. I've only read a few post so far and I don't see anything that would make me say that you're failing your children, blah, blah...Wow. I would want to punch them in the face, too."

"Yep . . .I know. I got one of these comments too. People are honestly idiots. I think they think they are going to "fix you" or "cure you," like it's that easy. They have absolutely NO CLUE what it feels like to lose a child and ANYONE who knows would NEVER say anything like that. Ever. I'm so sorry you had to read that. Just know that we all understand"

"Three years on I look back and honestly do not see how it is possible to make the CHOICE to be any different. The darkness is a process that must be waded through. There is no choice here. You ride the wave. People who tell you otherwise are asking you to pretend to be other than what you are, which means they are asking you to lie to them because it makes them more comfortable. Well STUFF THEM. Also, people like this don't understand that your blog is where you process the darkest and most difficult parts of your grief. It doesn't mean that you are not functioning, that you aren't loving the children that you have with you. What a freaking insult. Any experienced educated grief counsellor will tell you that."

"I think this person has good intentions and concern but did not word it in the best way. I also think this person doesn't have the slightest clue what it feels like to lose a child so therefore they cannot grasp what this grief is like. People need to understand when reading grief blogs that they are only reading a small portion of your life. They can't see the whole picture to know that it's not constant doom and gloom but we often write when it feels that way because it helps. There will always be comments like this as long as babies die."

"I'm so sorry you had to read those words. As the other ladies have said, they don't get it and hopefully never will. Ignore them...but it is comments like that which force some of us to go "private" with our blogs. I considered it after getting a similar comment. Just remember, this person doesn't know you, your pain or how you parent your living children. All they have seen is the little portion of life that was shared on your blog. They really wont ever see the full picture"

"Krystal, I'm so sorry.. I went to your blog because I wanted to see how long you've been without Stella.. It frustrates me that people feel they can be so judgemental (even if it is well intentioned) less than a year out.. Im almost 3 years out and am finally feeling joy more regularly again.. (A friend told a mutual friend "Kathryn's so much fun, now that she's normal again!" Gah.). Big hugs to you!"

" I went to your blog to read the entries and the comments. I'm in the process of writing a comment myself. IT is obvious those who have left such comments know nothing of the process we go through in finding our way back after a loss. And just the fact that it hasn't even been a year for you...you are exactly where I would expect you to be. You are right where I was at 9 months, and I got much worse before I finally started finding myself coming back. But they...they will (hopefully) never know what this is like."

"Wow! It's so unfair for anyone to tell you what to do with your life. They can give advice but it seems like she is telling you how you need to cope. I am so sorry. Ignore them. Set your blogger settings to where no one can leave an anonymous comment so you never have to deal with someone making you feel this way again. HUGS Krystal"

" I don't understand how people can go around telling others, "your baby would want this and that" like that your child has had your life in their hand, we have little BABIES in heaven not little Gods that are telling other people what they want us to do. That comment from whomever it is, is why I cannot air my inner feeling for I fear the outside world cannot comprehend all that goes on. The last thing we need is to be judged about our feelings and Mothering skills! I am so sad for you sweetie!"

 "Krystal, isn't the purpose of your blog for you to share however you may FEEL at that particular moment? Even shrouded in darkness? What did this person expect to read when they started following? oh life is just peachy and full of roses and puppies? They can go scratch if you ask me"

" it makes my blood boil when people shame us in our grief and try to tell us we can talk or feel ourselves out of it!! it's a P..R..O..C..E..S..S...a lifelong one and those who haven't been in our shoes don't know what the heck they are talking about!! so sorry!! i think people do this when they are SO uncomfortable with our feelings and it makes them feel better about themselves to throw platitudes in our face. this sort of stuff is not helpful AT ALL. ((hugs))"

" Wow how can people be so cruel and not think about what you have lost and especially stating''' Having babies is just a small part of a woman's life'''now that just pissed me off my gosh she just wants you to forget your precious baby girl and it's like saying she never was born the thought of this just breaks my heart,,let us mom's @ SOBBS go and give her a piece of our minds,,my prayers are with you Krystal (((((hugs))))) to you"

" the very first line of that shouts out that this person hasn't been through the loss of a child (imo).Anyone who has been through it knows that "life" changes,"normality" changes. The reality is that we live with the "dark filter"(as they put it) constantly (imo). i find there is ALWAYS something to remind me of my son,not that i could forget him of course,but theres always the "what ifs" or "if he was here now he'd be.......". Krystal i hope this person doesn't feel the "need" to bring you down with that b.s again x ♥"

"Obviously this person has never lost a child and doesn't understand the utter pain and devastation that losing a child creates. I have two living children who are my world, but to the depths of my soul I am still dying inside with out my daughter. I cry every night for the loss of her and no matter how many living children I will have I will still be so desperate to have her back with me. People tend to think that because you have living children, weather they were born before or after a loss, that you are magically healed of the pain. There is not one day that goes by that I don't want to lay down and die because I am so grief stricken over the death of my daughter. This person needs to take her "words of wisdom" and stick them somewhere else. Delete this unnecessary stress from your life."

" no one can really understand what u are going through; but i can not understand how someone wrote that to u! grief for a child is all-consuming; and u have no control over it; people need to be kinder to each other; my heart goes out to u!"

" unfortunately Krystal this still happens occasionally to me (rude judgemental comments) I lost my angel 22 yrs ago and have been told "I should be over it by now" and to "step it up that was a long time ago, its in the past" WTF! one thing losing a child does give us is extra compassion and empathy...I guess its our angels gift to us..."

These are the comments you get from people who KNOW this grief. Who have lived it and are STILL living it. Even some being 22 years out of the epicenter of this grief still feel the effects. Its life long. EVERYDAY, your child should be growing and learning and they're not here. You have to live with out them, everyday. Maybe some of the people who write these comments need to sit down and try to imagine what it would be like for them to be with out one of their children. Then come and read what it is LIKE to REALLY have to live that way. To have all of those dreams, aspirations, your FUTURE, all cut out of you and burned to ash and placed in an urn on your dresser. A reminder of what you will never get, of the grief you will have to live with for the rest of this life time. If you cant offer hugs and compassion then get lost. Telling me i am living under some vail of darkness is bullshit. I am living with the grief of my child.