Anger & Rage

I  have been drifting around in the anger stage of this grief for awhile, back and forth from depression to anger and maybe a day or two or even moments of the "acceptance" stage as well. Anger has been my main component of emotions lately. I am SO ANGRY this has happened and in the manner it did makes me even more furious. I really hate this, everything about it. What everyone says about grieving is true, the 1 step forward 5 steps back, so true. Its hard to move on from this, or find a way to accept it. ESPECIALLY when life seems to throw it all in your face day after day. I feel like I have been taken advantage of nearly my entire life and every time its me who gets the shaft, the shit end of the stick. I get fucked. I feel like life is personally attacking me and the rage and anger is bubbling up to the surface and i am going to snap. I did snap the other night. I spent my weekend working 14 1/2 hours straight Friday and another 8 on Saturday. Saturday night I was bound and determined to just drink till I couldn't stand. An attempt to erase all the emotions from the weekend which I had done a good job keeping under while I put on the fake smile and worked to please everyone i encountered through out the weekend. After the plastered face fizzled away and the alcohol i consumed was probably all that ran through my veins I had enough. I had to send up the congrats to the new parents at work of whom i was covering for and working the extra hours at work, i hadn't eaten at all but some cukes and tomato's and ranch as i zoomed around work. Then I came home to get shit from my very best friend who tells me "I am so sick of you "like this" "your just not the same". I am SO FUCKING SICK OF HEARING THIS!!!! I hate me like this too, thank you very much and its awesome to know my best friend cant stand it either and has to announce it to everyone. thanks. I told her to fuck off and i walked out. I came back and here is my husband getting into the car and headed to the bar, oh fucking skippy. so I climb in for some social time and drinks to erase this emotional bitch even more. But the fury came out stronger and I really don't remember what happened after the bar at all. I remember shots and rolling around in the grass. The next morning i felt as though the devil had beaten me with bottles of booze (literally this is what happened). I found my husband in the basement sleeping on the couch and he told me things i did that i can hardly believe. I apparently hit him a few times the night before screaming at him how he has NO CLUE what it is like to be me, the crap id been though and how i feel.
I can imagine the pain that was coming out of me. I can imagine how i hated feeling like this and wanted him to know how this pain feels. But physically its impossible. and I was SO WRONG for doing what i had done. I can apologize a million times over and its not enough.
I have to learn how to deal with this bull shit hands i am continually handed in my life. over and over. I am so sick of it. I am sick of me like this too. i really hate my life and what i do to it is even more so hate worthy. Day after day i want to climb in a hole and never emerge. I am SURE everyone around me would be happier. That is obvious when the ones who "love me" tell me how much they hate me "like this". It is something i cant really control, i cant change the fact my daughter is DEAD, i cant change the way i grieve. I cant change the fact that i continually get fucked and taken advantage of. My pile of "krystal has been fucked over" bullshit is just growing and i have literally had enough.
I am hurt, i am angry, i am ashamed and i am sick of me too. sorry.

disclosure: Please dont post comments about how you think i need medications. thanks.