Like a Child

I remember so much of being a child, memories so vivid going all the way back to the age of 2. I can remember dreams i had when I was only 7. Visions and daydreams I had as young as 2 or 3 years of age. I remember once sitting in the yard. We lived out in a beautiful part of the country in Wisconsin. On the peninsula of a river and a lake with a beautiful bay and an abundance of wildlife all around us. It was a Sunday in early spring, i had to be about the age of 4. I sat in the field outside of our home which was placed on the highest hill in the area. We had a decent view of the surrounding area at the time before the trees grew so high we were no longer able to see over the tops from our perch on the hill. I was daydreaming out across the sunny landscape and was thinking about Jesus. In the distance I could see what appeared to me as 3 crosses standing tall on a hill across the bay. What I was really looking at was 3 telephone poles, but to a 4 year old child of great faith, 3 crosses is what I remember seeing. I was so filled with appreciation, joy, love. I had a very strong child like faith. I remember what that feels like to have that kind of faith. I  know that i have touched that faith in my adult life so many times too. After Stella died that faith felt like it was burned. Like a piece of paper under the flame of a match. Continually burning and reaching through, searing the edges of the hole it created in my heart. I felt left behind, forgotten, betrayed. It rocked my faith to the very core. That core is still very shaky, still being rebuilt, wobbling around as i try to put all the pieces back together. Like a brick house i need to rebuild. It will take awhile, this i know. To get it right, to make it as solid as it needs to be, for me, my family, God. A good foundation. My faith needs to be the mortar that holds it all together and all needs to be carefully placed so that i can rebuild and be stronger.
To have a child like faith lets us have that connection with God without our own earthy thoughts and opinions in the way. Its a highway to Gods voice though the heart without our heads in the way. The more we try to make sense of it all the less sense it will make. This is something i have been trying to retrain myself to know. My heart hurt SO MUCH that i couldn't FEEL that connection like i should've, my head was continually SCREAMING about how much i hurt, what i am missing, WHO i am missing, trying to make sense of something i will never understand in this life. I wont....ever. It is just something i have to accept, no control. That is hard. It is a daily struggle for me right now, but at least i know what it takes. A child like faith.  That connection and belief i had when i was that small child sitting in the field with the highway from my heart connected to God in that far off place we all know as heaven and wish to see someday, to BE. This is the battle ground, the place Satan was cast to, and as were us humans when the fruit was consumed and we were cast out of the garden. Satan is hard at work on us all and using the knowledge we attained is what is ruining us on this earth. Our heads are in the way of our hearts. This world, this society. It is all keeping us from what really matter and clouding our perspectives, work work work for money. Keep our kids in line and school them for ways to just make $$. We forget to take the time to just BE. To FEEL what we can that is GOOD. This world took me, i let it. I worked my ass off and then lost, what really feels like it all. My child, my faith. & I am trying to rebuild with what i can, with what i remember was good. Its hard, its work. The work that is worth it in the end. ramble off.