Capture your grief 2013

For another year Carly Marie is hosting the beautiful "capture your grief" blog project. 

October is a rough month for me already, being Stella's birthday month. This project has helped in so many ways, process my grief. 

Every year this project starts off with a picture of the sunrise. 

   This was taken on me and my sons walk to the bus stop. Taken in Rochester WI at 8am

It was cool and cloudy. It captured my emotions this morning for sure. 

" Although the sky is grey, the clouds keep moving, and there is light behind the clouds" 

I try my hardest to remember that, to feel the light, to trust there is light behind the clouds. 

Hope that someday I will be ok. 

Here is a list of the "subjects" for the rest of the month. 

I hope that if you have endured the loss of your child that you may join. Join on FB or even just for yourself. It's healing in so many ways. God bless. 

2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.

4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Before you take part in Day 10 please note this, I welcome everyone to join this Capture Your Grief Challenge including people of all belief systems and also those who have no beliefs at all. What I ask of you, is that you respect everyone else here. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not. If you choose to share your beliefs today, please make sure that you respect everyone else’s beliefs even if you do not agree or understand them. Do not tell anyone else that they are wrong if they do not share your own beliefs and please do not push your views onto anyone else. I am very proud to say that everyone who comes to my page are 99% of the time respectful to each other and very kind (I sometimes wonder if I am being protected by a greater force as it is so rare to have so very few problems on a social media page with 1000′s of people!). I would really love everyone to honour this request for love and respect today. We can all complete this day peacefully together. I believe this day can be a very interesting and beautiful one. Let us honour our similarities and our differences too.

11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.

13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.

14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

16. Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?

17. Time: How long has it been since your baby died.

18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

19. Support: Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?

20. Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.

21. Honour: Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.

22. Words: Share your favourite quote, poem, song lyrics, scripture that you have found.

23. Tattoos/Jewellery: Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo. Please feel welcome to share links too.

24. Artwork: Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death? Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honour your baby? Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.

25. #SayItOutLoud: Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?

26. Community: What does this community mean to you?

27. Signs: If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?

28. Special Place: This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?

29. Healing: What has had the most healing impact on your life through this journey of grief?

30. Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?

31. Sunset: To close this project and this month of Baby Loss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

My love goes out to all the bereaved parents across the world. Together we have light, love, community. We are not alone. 

alone in the fall

An empty house, all too quiet except the cicadas buzzing in the yard.
Summer is drawing to an end, fall is encroaching, nagging, the beginning of another downward spiral. The intense presence of her missing.
I can feel it.
Deep with in provoking the hole to begin burning again.
I am alone.
I shouldn't be.
Where is the toddler to keep me busy?
Park outings, lunch, picnics, adventures in the woods......
The older kids are off to school.
Its far to quiet and I am nothing but my own worst enemy.
Digging up what should've been. What I WANTED, what I want.
Next month Stella should be 3.
I shouldn't fear the fall. Which is exactly what it has become. A fall, into the longing. the loneliness of her missing.
 I sit alone day after day.
There is really only so much you can clean.
I have no desire to do anything else.......alone.
When I do tread out, its always there. mom and daughter. Spending time together. laughing, loving, moving, breathing, living.
Her death is something I will  never escape.
How do I learn to live with out her?  
To not beat myself up.
Become buried in the what ifs, the wants, the needs, the dreams.
The quiet.
The weight that holds me down.
The everything that is what it just should not be.
The Why?
As her birthday approaches, its all too hard not to.
Especially when I am alone.
When the summer draws to an end.
The cold marches in, the leaves fall.
I fall.
alone. . .

Staring into the depths. Of myself and my loneliness, my longing. The hole.

At the edge of fall, the edge of falling.

She was there and it was beautiful and now its everything but.
I hate this time of the year. It just......hurts.

When grief meets grief

I'm wondering if its just me or if this is a normal reaction, or lack there of, when it comes to others passing after the grief of losing your child. 

Now, I know it can't be normal to have dealt with the amount of death I have in the last few years, it's mind blowing actually. But what I have noticed, in my emotion and grief, is that nothing even comes close to hitting me hard, or hitting me at all actually, as Stella's death did. 

Her death was the center of my emotion blown apart like an atomic bomb. Grief so deep the ocean or even the universe could not compare to its depths. 

After Stella died and I traveled along that desolate road grief drops us off on, alone, ragged, cold, wet, in complete disarray. I have come upon many other deaths along this road. The death of my best friends mom ( a second mother to myself, I'd known her all my life) she passed unexpectedly exactly 3 months from the day Stella died, our 19 year old babysitter whom I've known her entire life, car accident, my godmother from cancer, her husband just a few months ago, a good friends son who'd been mauled by pit bulls at 14 months old in march, my cousins son of excencephally born and died just 6 weeks ago, &  now today, my aunt. She is my husband maternal aunt, but we were close. I loved her dearly too. She was a loving caring faithful woman who is now lovingly holding my beautiful daughter in the presence of The Lord. Besides those who'd passed after Stella, there are many many more I love who'd gone with in a few years before. A good close friend, my husbands best friend actually, my sister in law, another of my aunts, grandfather and an uncle. It seems to be plaguing. 

I'm numb. 

Nothing compares to Stella's death though. Not even close. This feels wrong. I should grieve my aunts death too. My godmothers, my friends son and so on. It should be deep and wailing, soul piercing. I should be sad. But what I really comes down to is, I'm jealous. 

For my aunt, I'm happy her battle is over. She is at peace. She isn't here anymore and that, for her is great. For everyone else, sure it hurts, especially for those who hold regret. 

Why don't I hurt?

 To me I feel selfish to grieve anymore. To see the animosity that occurs in those who had chastised her and not shown the real pure love she tried to, she did, to the best of her ability. She was shunned by family who'd cared for her because they couldn't 'handle her problems' (alcoholism) 

She was human. In a wretched mean cruel world latent of temptation, sin and misery. She tried her best and she can now rest with God. Because she knew he loves her. No matter what shed done, failed at, stumbled over. She knew. Now she really knows. 

Have I run my course with grief dry? 

Has the bar been set so high, that my emotions just can't reach such levels anymore? 

Have I learned something about death I just am not quite understanding yet? 

Am I asking the right questions here? 

Can anyone relate? 

Is my life just a freak show? 

I'm confused in this. Astonished in the reality that is my life and of those around me. 

I'm still learning. Always will be. 

Everyone dies. 

Live and love.....then lose. 

Loving is risky. 

Why am I so numb? 

Forgiveness

I honestly feel there should be another step in the whole Grief Process model. You can learn to accept what happened, how it may have happened, those who were involved in what happened etc. But being able to FORGIVE yourself, those involved, those who hurt you in this process, God. Now that is an entirely different step all together.
One I've been teetering on for quite awhile actually. I'm  not sure if I am even ready to forgive. I honestly don't even know HOW!
Can I forgive myself for the choices Id made that set this entire sequence of events up to produce the "perfect storm" that took Stella's life? The choices I continually make to keep me in this life that will never change because I make no changes. I cant even bring myself to confidentially make ANY choices, because I feel they are all wrong. I don't trust myself anymore, at all. I feel like everything I do, every choice I make is just the wrong one or will lead to more wretched things to occur. I don't even feel comfortable in my own damn skin, or head, or heart for that matter. It hurts, all of it hurts.
I hear stories of those around me, stories that endured to be good ones. They have good endings. Unlike my own.
The neighbors had their son last Thursday. He was 2 weeks early. As Stella was. She had went in because he wasn't moving and she was scared because of my story. Good for her to make the right choice. She had an infection that had reached her son and he was taken via emergency Csection. His vitals were bad and he is in the NICU. She was put on antibiotics and is doing well. He will be released Sunday. Her RIGHT choices saved his life.  As I am SO happy for them, I am beating myself up all over again. I am a fucking idiot and I make the wrong choices and it all leads to misery. I don't know how to forgive myself or even trust myself. I don't know what to do and I HATE that.  I came from confidence, in myself, God, the world. All of that is gone.

Trusting others is also difficult. Forgiving others and learning to trust again.

After Stella died, I put it all out there. I blogged and purged my deepest feelings.
I was rejected, scorned, criticized and treated like shit for feeling the pain and sharing the pain of losing Stella and by those who are closest to me. Those who I love and trust the MOST. They said insanely mean things to me, yelled at me. Told me I was wrong, I wasn't "faithful enough" If I had felt the way I did, told me I was a failure and failing my other children because of my deep painful feelings of loss. Told me I was hiding behind my grief, told me they "didn't like me this way" and asked when I was going to just get over it all already. They told me she wasn't even a real baby because she didn't live outside my womb.
Yelled at for crying. Told I was NEVER going to have another child, I was denied because I am a failure.
I was ditched in the hardest of times. by my MW who PROMISED to be there NO MATTER WHAT. And she wasn't. She failed too and it cost ME. Not her. she just bailed like we had never existed in her life and carried on making bad decisions and putting others lives in jeopardy like they just don't matter.
Can I ever forgive them? Her?
Why didn't God save Stella? I trusted 100% going into surgery. That God and my Dr's had this. If I was to endure a Csect I would if that meant she lived. I had accepted that as much as I wanted a peaceful home birth. I would do anything to get her here safe.
not so much.
Talk about a slap in the face.

All of this.

How can I trust others not to condone me for my feelings like they once did, so harshly? NOW they want me to tell them how I feel? Why now? Why do you care now? Not that they actually DO. I cant even go there anymore. I don't want to talk to them and tell them how I feel now. Why should I trust someone so careless with something so fragile? Last time they threw it on the ground and shattered it into a million pieces that I had to clean up and try to put together?

Fuck you Krystal. That is all I hear from this world it seems most of the time. ESPECIALLY when it has to do with my grief.

Where do you even begin to reconnect?
With yourself or others? In forgiveness or trust?

I have NO IDEA. Its sad, a sad story with a sad ending. but the end just never comes. Its the never ending sad story. That what I feel I live in.

I feel like running away from all of this. It just hurts too much.

I also wanted to add why this feels so hard for me. To forgive. It feels like condoning those actions. Simply saying "it's ok what you did" and then they continue doing so to everyone around them and to you, continually.  To keep letting others do what they do, even though you know how bad it hurts, even though you know it's wrong. You continue to let them hurt and just forgive, pay no mind. 

Seems stupid to me. I don't understand it.

Where I am: 2 years 7 months 1 week 1 day

For the last, now few years, I've been joining in on a blog round up called "where I am now", this was started by Angie, over at Still Life with Circles. I love reading her blog. Not only is she an amazing writer, but her words seem to bring out the more poetic side of child loss. I know, my blog isn't the easiest to read, it's usually frank and full of negative emotion. But for me, this place has been a tool for my grief, a way to get the ugly out. And believe me, there is a lot of ugly coming from losing your child. Its obvious there is for me anyways.
Emotions and experiences I really wish I had never had to endure, a side of people I really wish never existed, including myself, words I thought I would never hear from people I love and thought supported me, choices I wish I never had to make, selling things I never got to use and fully expected to.
People tell me often how negative I am bout Stella's death. And I really wish I could find a positive about it, but I have yet to even see a glimpse of one single positive that comes out of her death. For myself anyways. Sure, for her, she gets heaven, she was nothing but loved and held right next to my heart her whole life. She will never have to endure even one of these God awful emotions or burdens life brings, she will never get sick, or feel heart broken. She gets more love then I probably could have even given her, and that's what she deserves. It's a very sacrificial position, being a mother of a heaven baby.

I often wish things went differently for me with her. I personally feel it went the worst possible way it could've with out me dying myself. I don't understand why God didn't just take her at 5,10, or 12 weeks. Why at the VERY end? The exact day after her birth was paid for, every.single.little.thing prepped and ready for her arrival? Why a csection? Why couldn't I have just birthed her peacefully at home, even if she was gone?
I thought there was a chance, as did the doctors for her to live, she was alive. Why blow my hopes out of the water. Prayers go unanswered. Why can't we have an explanation to her death? Why did my midwife ditch me? Why were so many people I love so mean to me in my grief? Saying things like "I hate you like this" and " get over yourself" or  "your hiding behind your grief". Why couldn't she have lived for even 10minutes, 5 minutes? Why couldn't I see her eyes? Hear her cry? She wasn't even considered "a real baby" because she didn't take a breath. Why didn't I spend more time with her? Change her clothes or bathe her? Sleep with her in my room? 

Why couldn't I have a rainbow? Support from who I needed it most, and why could'nt they just give to me what I  needed because they loved me that much? Family and friends who could understand that I hurt, and tell me it was ok? 

A job that was compassionate and understanding and not cold and cruel? 

There were people who were loving and understanding, and I did, and still do appreciate that, deeply. I know they all know who they are. But it was honestly few and far between. Many times complete strangers were more compassionate and sensitive then my own family was sometimes. The harshness occured more as time moved past her, like she was some bad disease I needed to just heal from and be over with. I don't feel I ever really dwelled too much on all the horridness of this, I lived my life still, I smiled, laughed, enjoyed things. But like a big empty hole, she was always missing from the picture. She will always have a string tied to my heart that leads to her in heaven. I know I cant tug on it too much, that will only hurt me.
The last week has rehashed many of these feelings I'm writing about too. My husbands cousin ( I personally consider her as mine too, as we are close to her and her family, closer then even I am with my own cousins really) had a little boy Caleb. He was diagnosed with excencephally early in the pregnancy and god bless her heart to carry him to term. She was able to spend 2 hours with him earth side. Honestly, I've been jealous of that. I know it's pretty damn selfish, but it's honest. She was able to make this horrible experience into something beautiful and strong. As for me, I was slapped in the face at the very end and feel robbed and haven't taken any of it gracefully. 

I've learned to live with my angst, this hole, I've picked up the pieces and just learned to live with the mess. What else can you do? On top of that, I've been selling Stella's belongings. This has not been easy to say the least. Especially selling her diaper stash. That is one lot of items I've had a strong attachment to. I spent a lot of money, time and love collecting them, to never use them and sell them off for FAR less then they are worth to me. So a rehash of emotions on that front have also been into play recently. 

It sucks. 

All these things I need to let go of. Emotions, dreams, aspirations, hopes. Poof. Gone. 

As Angie said, it was the worst magic trick anyone or anything could play on me. On us. 

So, here I am, just learning to get over it, to live with it and deal with it. 

I stopped writing here for awhile so others wouldn't know these feelings that still fester with in. 

Not as strong, not as obvious, not as raw.
But it's love, longing and my missing of her that still dwells with in.
It is hard to hold onto someone who is so close to your heart yet so far out of reach. 

It's difficult to let go of the dreams you had, the things or ones you want in your life. The possibilities you sacrifice for the ones you love, just because you love them. Not that they would ever do the same for you, just because you love them. 

You just get over yourself. 

It's a daily task at that.
A choice I have to make every morning. 

And some days I just want to spend a little time with my littlest, my Stella. In my grief blanket, soaked in tears. 

And please don't tell me it's not ok. 

I'm getting there, wherever it is you prefer me to be. Not where I wanted to be. 

It does still rain, even when the sun shines. 

Over 2 1/2 years seems so far away from her, like its expected that I be over her death all together. 100% back to Krystal, who I sued to be before life was blown apart by the atomic bomb.

So, I try and be where everyone else expects me to be. And when I wallow, i wallow alone, just me and Stella wrapped in a blanket woven out of pure love so deep, only her and I could understand. So only her and I are there. 

Then after I've had my time with her, I fold that blanket up, place it in the deepest part of my heart, lock it, and move on until the next time I need a little love from her. 

I miss her and I always will. 

Triggers are not as harsh, although they still are.
Pain is not as raw, but the scar is still there.
There are more good days then bad, but the bad days still exist.

When others join this path

It breaks my heart.
Caleb Matthew 5/28/13
Lived in his mommies arms for 2 hours 24 minutes, lives in Jesus' arms for eternity.

De-stash

I've spent the last 2 weeks rummaging and posting pictures online of all the beauty that I had collected for my little girl and never got the chance to use. Everything from Bassinets to car seats and blankets. Toys, bottles, breast pumps, changing pads and a bounty of beautiful cloth diapers.
As of today I am nearly cleared out of everything. Everything but most of her cloth diapers. These I listed today on 2 different sites and sold 3 items.
I feel the ache in me, deep, but nothing comes to the surface. Maybe its manifesting on irritation?
I guess I feel I have to just let this all go. all of it. Her, her things, what was of her, what I wanted, any chance at a rainbow or being able to really use these items I put so much love into. (and so much money!)
I know I will  never get out of it nearly, not any where near what I have put into it between the love or the $ and that kinda pisses me off too. I feel jipped. Ripped off completely. And I have to work hard as hell taking pics, putting prices on all of this and posting it. Then packaging it all up and shipping it off to living breathing children who get to use it. Its all been a TON of work for nothing but a broken heart and it isn't fair. I wish some one would just buy the whole damn lot and get it all over with. I feel like I'm torturing myself.

sigh..................................................