Now, I know it can't be normal to have dealt with the amount of death I have in the last few years, it's mind blowing actually. But what I have noticed, in my emotion and grief, is that nothing even comes close to hitting me hard, or hitting me at all actually, as Stella's death did.
Her death was the center of my emotion blown apart like an atomic bomb. Grief so deep the ocean or even the universe could not compare to its depths.
After Stella died and I traveled along that desolate road grief drops us off on, alone, ragged, cold, wet, in complete disarray. I have come upon many other deaths along this road. The death of my best friends mom ( a second mother to myself, I'd known her all my life) she passed unexpectedly exactly 3 months from the day Stella died, our 19 year old babysitter whom I've known her entire life, car accident, my godmother from cancer, her husband just a few months ago, a good friends son who'd been mauled by pit bulls at 14 months old in march, my cousins son of excencephally born and died just 6 weeks ago, & now today, my aunt. She is my husband maternal aunt, but we were close. I loved her dearly too. She was a loving caring faithful woman who is now lovingly holding my beautiful daughter in the presence of The Lord. Besides those who'd passed after Stella, there are many many more I love who'd gone with in a few years before. A good close friend, my husbands best friend actually, my sister in law, another of my aunts, grandfather and an uncle. It seems to be plaguing.
I'm numb.
Nothing compares to Stella's death though. Not even close. This feels wrong. I should grieve my aunts death too. My godmothers, my friends son and so on. It should be deep and wailing, soul piercing. I should be sad. But what I really comes down to is, I'm jealous.
For my aunt, I'm happy her battle is over. She is at peace. She isn't here anymore and that, for her is great. For everyone else, sure it hurts, especially for those who hold regret.
Why don't I hurt?
To me I feel selfish to grieve anymore. To see the animosity that occurs in those who had chastised her and not shown the real pure love she tried to, she did, to the best of her ability. She was shunned by family who'd cared for her because they couldn't 'handle her problems' (alcoholism)
She was human. In a wretched mean cruel world latent of temptation, sin and misery. She tried her best and she can now rest with God. Because she knew he loves her. No matter what shed done, failed at, stumbled over. She knew. Now she really knows.
Have I run my course with grief dry?
Has the bar been set so high, that my emotions just can't reach such levels anymore?
Have I learned something about death I just am not quite understanding yet?
Am I asking the right questions here?
Can anyone relate?
Is my life just a freak show?
I'm confused in this. Astonished in the reality that is my life and of those around me.
I'm still learning. Always will be.
Everyone dies.
Live and love.....then lose.
Loving is risky.
Why am I so numb?
2 comments:
I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel. I have not yet had another death since that of my son last year, but when I think about it (parent, MIL, whoever) I imagine feeling the way you do. It feels like I've lost the ability to have compassion or something. I think maybe the loss of a child is so huge that nothing can compare.
I am the same way, actually.
After Bean, Jeni, Tina and Tina, Carolyn.
I feel that I am tied to others emotions and that I cry for their sorrow and not for my own becuase nothing compares to the day I got that phone call that you were in surgery and that Bean had not made it.
I watched the world crumble and fall. I did not realize such pain was even possible.
Since then, nothing has touched or even compared to that pain and I hope nothing ever does.
I love you <3
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