alone in the fall

An empty house, all too quiet except the cicadas buzzing in the yard.
Summer is drawing to an end, fall is encroaching, nagging, the beginning of another downward spiral. The intense presence of her missing.
I can feel it.
Deep with in provoking the hole to begin burning again.
I am alone.
I shouldn't be.
Where is the toddler to keep me busy?
Park outings, lunch, picnics, adventures in the woods......
The older kids are off to school.
Its far to quiet and I am nothing but my own worst enemy.
Digging up what should've been. What I WANTED, what I want.
Next month Stella should be 3.
I shouldn't fear the fall. Which is exactly what it has become. A fall, into the longing. the loneliness of her missing.
 I sit alone day after day.
There is really only so much you can clean.
I have no desire to do anything else.......alone.
When I do tread out, its always there. mom and daughter. Spending time together. laughing, loving, moving, breathing, living.
Her death is something I will  never escape.
How do I learn to live with out her?  
To not beat myself up.
Become buried in the what ifs, the wants, the needs, the dreams.
The quiet.
The weight that holds me down.
The everything that is what it just should not be.
The Why?
As her birthday approaches, its all too hard not to.
Especially when I am alone.
When the summer draws to an end.
The cold marches in, the leaves fall.
I fall.
alone. . .

Staring into the depths. Of myself and my loneliness, my longing. The hole.

At the edge of fall, the edge of falling.

She was there and it was beautiful and now its everything but.
I hate this time of the year. It just......hurts.