One I've been teetering on for quite awhile actually. I'm not sure if I am even ready to forgive. I honestly don't even know HOW!
Can I forgive myself for the choices Id made that set this entire sequence of events up to produce the "perfect storm" that took Stella's life? The choices I continually make to keep me in this life that will never change because I make no changes. I cant even bring myself to confidentially make ANY choices, because I feel they are all wrong. I don't trust myself anymore, at all. I feel like everything I do, every choice I make is just the wrong one or will lead to more wretched things to occur. I don't even feel comfortable in my own damn skin, or head, or heart for that matter. It hurts, all of it hurts.
I hear stories of those around me, stories that endured to be good ones. They have good endings. Unlike my own.
The neighbors had their son last Thursday. He was 2 weeks early. As Stella was. She had went in because he wasn't moving and she was scared because of my story. Good for her to make the right choice. She had an infection that had reached her son and he was taken via emergency Csection. His vitals were bad and he is in the NICU. She was put on antibiotics and is doing well. He will be released Sunday. Her RIGHT choices saved his life. As I am SO happy for them, I am beating myself up all over again. I am a fucking idiot and I make the wrong choices and it all leads to misery. I don't know how to forgive myself or even trust myself. I don't know what to do and I HATE that. I came from confidence, in myself, God, the world. All of that is gone.
Trusting others is also difficult. Forgiving others and learning to trust again.
After Stella died, I put it all out there. I blogged and purged my deepest feelings.
I was rejected, scorned, criticized and treated like shit for feeling the pain and sharing the pain of losing Stella and by those who are closest to me. Those who I love and trust the MOST. They said insanely mean things to me, yelled at me. Told me I was wrong, I wasn't "faithful enough" If I had felt the way I did, told me I was a failure and failing my other children because of my deep painful feelings of loss. Told me I was hiding behind my grief, told me they "didn't like me this way" and asked when I was going to just get over it all already. They told me she wasn't even a real baby because she didn't live outside my womb.
Yelled at for crying. Told I was NEVER going to have another child, I was denied because I am a failure.
I was ditched in the hardest of times. by my MW who PROMISED to be there NO MATTER WHAT. And she wasn't. She failed too and it cost ME. Not her. she just bailed like we had never existed in her life and carried on making bad decisions and putting others lives in jeopardy like they just don't matter.
Can I ever forgive them? Her?
Why didn't God save Stella? I trusted 100% going into surgery. That God and my Dr's had this. If I was to endure a Csect I would if that meant she lived. I had accepted that as much as I wanted a peaceful home birth. I would do anything to get her here safe.
not so much.
Talk about a slap in the face.
All of this.
How can I trust others not to condone me for my feelings like they once did, so harshly? NOW they want me to tell them how I feel? Why now? Why do you care now? Not that they actually DO. I cant even go there anymore. I don't want to talk to them and tell them how I feel now. Why should I trust someone so careless with something so fragile? Last time they threw it on the ground and shattered it into a million pieces that I had to clean up and try to put together?
Fuck you Krystal. That is all I hear from this world it seems most of the time. ESPECIALLY when it has to do with my grief.
Where do you even begin to reconnect?
With yourself or others? In forgiveness or trust?
I have NO IDEA. Its sad, a sad story with a sad ending. but the end just never comes. Its the never ending sad story. That what I feel I live in.
I feel like running away from all of this. It just hurts too much.
I also wanted to add why this feels so hard for me. To forgive. It feels like condoning those actions. Simply saying "it's ok what you did" and then they continue doing so to everyone around them and to you, continually. To keep letting others do what they do, even though you know how bad it hurts, even though you know it's wrong. You continue to let them hurt and just forgive, pay no mind.
Seems stupid to me. I don't understand it.
2 comments:
You will ALWAYS blame yourself. You're a mom, you're supposed to be able to protect your children. But, remember, hindsight is always 20/20. You couldn't have foreseen any of the events that led to Stella's death. Eventually, you have to forgive yourself. I hate saying HAVE to because it sounds like an order, but you do. No one ever thinks their child is going to die and it's unfortunate that so many of us have to go through it.
Forgiving the others may help, but I wouldn't guarantee it. There will always be those "what if" questions. And for those that walked away when you needed them the most? I have yet to forgive many of the people who turned their backs on the obvious grief I went through. Those that stood by you in the darkest hour are the ones worth keeping around. Everyone else? Well, forgive the language, they can go eff themselves. At least that's my opinion.
The thing about forgiveness, they say it is supposed to help you, not those you forgive. For me, it's always caused turmoil when those I've forgiven have committed pretty unforgivable acts against me. So I don't know, I kind of think it's a whole lot of shit, forgiveness.
Post a Comment