You know what also sucks about this whole my baby died crap. Since then I literally have NO energy or interest, or inspiration to do ANYTHING! While I was pregnant I even could muster up the energy and inspiration to grow a garden, bike ride daily, sew and make baby diapers, to do things with my older children. I had so much great energy inside me I swear I would glow from it. Since Stella died I feel like my inner light has completely gone out. It takes SO MUCH to do anything, even smile. I just don't feel it inside me like I used to. I just don't have the energy or drive to do any of it. I have to push myself daily and its so exhausting. I cant even begin to tell you how exhausting it is. Pregnancy was a breeze compared to dealing with grief. I want so badly to have that spark, that drive, that inspiration again. I just do not feel it. I don't want to do anything.
I *should* go out and buy my son some workbooks and start pre-schooling him, I know I should.
I just don't. I just don't want to. I am forgetting my bills, and dinner half the time. I walk in circles trying to debate what to do all the time and I just cant decide because nothing sounds good to me. I hate feeling like this. When I decide what to do, if anything, I have constant anxieties about everything and just want to run and hide.
I have no hobbys that I love anymore. No interest in starting anything either.
I dont like talking to people and that is pretty much my job. Make drinks and entertain strangers. I hate it.
I feel like I am just here. Left behind.
People celebrate and I cry inside.
People have all these projects and ideas flourishing and I want nothing to do with anything.
I have been trying to put together a walk to remember in October and I am filled with anxiety over it all to the point where I just want to abandon the idea and crawl in a hole.
I think about Stella's birthday and I feel like I am going to spontaneously combust from the inside out my heart aches, my head in a daze.
I don't want to do this.
I want to be the woman I was, I want to FEEL like myself again.
I want to be chasing a 10month around the house as I prepare dinner and wash the load of diapers from the day.
i want, i want, i want and i just can not have.
I am stuck like this forever and have to find SOMETHING that interests me about life again. anything.
i am so stuck and i hate it.
I can come up with all sorts of ideas and ways to "carry on" but when you just dont FEEL any of it, it just doesnt work.
ten years
6 years ago
2 comments:
Of sweetheart. It's normal. I still get that way sometimes and it's been over 4 years. :(
I'll pray you can get your Walk to Remember going ok. We have one here in Indiana and I hope I can go. I've gone every year since Calypso died.
I too feel stuck but for a different reason. I keep seeing all my loss moms go on to have more babies and I feel like I'm left behind and it's hard. If you ever need to talk please drop me a line.
I know Calypso and Stella are together in Heaven having fun
I'm sorry. I understand - I would give anything to be the old me. I have SO much I need to do, yet I so often sit around and mope during nap time. I really thought that having a rainbow baby would help me, but so far it really isn't all I thought it would be. I guess getting completely the opposite of what I hoped didn't help, but still. It has to get better for all of us, right?
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