In Hiding

Lately I feel Ive been in hiding, almost ready to hibernate and forget the world. I have been so sick of how I feel I cant imagine how everyone else feels about this all. I am nearing a year since Stella died and I am feeling more and more depressed about this. 1. Because I don't know how to feel or what to do. 2. Because I am overwhelmed trying to get this Walk To Remember in gear, alone. I know there are a lot of people volunteering to help out and raising $ to put towards donations, but the walk its self and the planning is so over whelming its disgusting. Especially added to this depression I have to wade through daily. I started counseling again last week. He reminds me of my HS counselor, I am always right and have to make a choice. Then tells me what self help books I can pick up. I have been "self-helping" myself from the beginning. Reading all sorts of books, nothing helps, nothing brings her back, nothing eases this pain. I just have to deal with it. Live with the leper I have become. Deal with the weird vibes and people walking on egg shells every time I am around.  Avoid the triggers and live with the burn in my heart. People keep telling me they miss me. I know & I miss me too. Ill never be back and Ill never be the same. As shitty as that is , it is what it is. I am forever broken and never the same person. Maybe I should just continue to be in hiding and someday maybe I'll emerge and be something a little more pleasant.  Right now all I want to do is sleep forever.