song of the day

Like a Child

I remember so much of being a child, memories so vivid going all the way back to the age of 2. I can remember dreams i had when I was only 7. Visions and daydreams I had as young as 2 or 3 years of age. I remember once sitting in the yard. We lived out in a beautiful part of the country in Wisconsin. On the peninsula of a river and a lake with a beautiful bay and an abundance of wildlife all around us. It was a Sunday in early spring, i had to be about the age of 4. I sat in the field outside of our home which was placed on the highest hill in the area. We had a decent view of the surrounding area at the time before the trees grew so high we were no longer able to see over the tops from our perch on the hill. I was daydreaming out across the sunny landscape and was thinking about Jesus. In the distance I could see what appeared to me as 3 crosses standing tall on a hill across the bay. What I was really looking at was 3 telephone poles, but to a 4 year old child of great faith, 3 crosses is what I remember seeing. I was so filled with appreciation, joy, love. I had a very strong child like faith. I remember what that feels like to have that kind of faith. I  know that i have touched that faith in my adult life so many times too. After Stella died that faith felt like it was burned. Like a piece of paper under the flame of a match. Continually burning and reaching through, searing the edges of the hole it created in my heart. I felt left behind, forgotten, betrayed. It rocked my faith to the very core. That core is still very shaky, still being rebuilt, wobbling around as i try to put all the pieces back together. Like a brick house i need to rebuild. It will take awhile, this i know. To get it right, to make it as solid as it needs to be, for me, my family, God. A good foundation. My faith needs to be the mortar that holds it all together and all needs to be carefully placed so that i can rebuild and be stronger.
To have a child like faith lets us have that connection with God without our own earthy thoughts and opinions in the way. Its a highway to Gods voice though the heart without our heads in the way. The more we try to make sense of it all the less sense it will make. This is something i have been trying to retrain myself to know. My heart hurt SO MUCH that i couldn't FEEL that connection like i should've, my head was continually SCREAMING about how much i hurt, what i am missing, WHO i am missing, trying to make sense of something i will never understand in this life. I wont....ever. It is just something i have to accept, no control. That is hard. It is a daily struggle for me right now, but at least i know what it takes. A child like faith.  That connection and belief i had when i was that small child sitting in the field with the highway from my heart connected to God in that far off place we all know as heaven and wish to see someday, to BE. This is the battle ground, the place Satan was cast to, and as were us humans when the fruit was consumed and we were cast out of the garden. Satan is hard at work on us all and using the knowledge we attained is what is ruining us on this earth. Our heads are in the way of our hearts. This world, this society. It is all keeping us from what really matter and clouding our perspectives, work work work for money. Keep our kids in line and school them for ways to just make $$. We forget to take the time to just BE. To FEEL what we can that is GOOD. This world took me, i let it. I worked my ass off and then lost, what really feels like it all. My child, my faith. & I am trying to rebuild with what i can, with what i remember was good. Its hard, its work. The work that is worth it in the end. ramble off.

Song of the day

The lyrics of this song really got me. Especially~ "On the front line, of this battle of mine...but i am still alive." Couldnt feel more connected to that line.

Getting my head right

Its hard to get your head right when your heart hurts soooo much. People always say "mind over matter" but for me its so very different, especially now. My emotions and feelings direct my thoughts. If I care about something I will think about it, non stop. I am careful to what I think and say, because I care. When I let my thoughts run rampant, that is when people get hurt, forgotten or left behind projects or goals I put in my head. Its a hard balance to find. Do you follow your heart or follow your head? Do you try to use the powers of your mind to control your body and emotions? Where is there a balance? I am such and emotionally powered person. When I love, I really LOVE, when I am hurt, I am really hurt. When I try to get out of my heart and into my head I feel completely lost and tend to be so concentrated on the task at hand I leave the things I REALLY love and care about in the dark. Where can you find this "balance" between the heart and the mind, the tasks, the "goals"<----- something i really have none of right now besides getting out of bed everyday, exercising everyday and getting to work with out breaking down.  I'm not sure if its that I don't want to move on in my head because I will not feel that love i have for my daughter everyday as i do my others because i love and tend to them everyday all day. I show them my love for them by kissing and hugging them, caring for them, working for them, cooking for them. How do you parent a dead child?!?! How can you move on? How do you get out of your heart that is SO BROKEN and find some other "goals" or "preoccupations"  to carry on in this life with out losing some of that love or some of your self? I feel I have lost SO MUCH of myself in the last 6 years, honestly I don't know who I am. I know who I was and I miss her, i miss me. I swear i made a wrong turn somewhere and I am being punished for it. I just don't know. I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to be this person. I am obliviously failing at it. My closest family and friends seem to agree at that too. I am so far out of who I was I have no idea where she even went or how to get back. Losing Stella blew the lid off that box and I feel I am standing on a mountain I don't even know HOW i got on in the first place and there is no way down. All I see is the failed, destructed, demolished me I once was. There is a sun in the distance, but I am not sure if it is rising or setting.


Sure I can just keep going along. Just "being" and "doing". I am sure I will be ok. But my heart will not. How can peole just let go of the things they love? Just for get it? Is that LOVE???? I just don get it.  HOW DO YOU DO THIS????

Pay It Forward ~ Angel Of Grace Book

Awhile back an angel momma contacted me about writing up an entry to be included in a book written exclusively by women and men who've lost children through stillbirth, miscarriage and Infant death. I received mine just last week and have been shuffling though it connecting with every word on the pages. Some of the entries are the stories of their child's birth and other entries are poems and words of inspiration or of raw grief. This book is available to purchase at this ---->link for 10$+shipping.
I have a couple entries from my blog in the book as well, one being a poem and the other a small blurb on daily grief.  I hope today brings you all some peace.

FUCK IT

ya know what,jsut fuck this blog bullshit. It seems to be causing drama everywhere i turn and on every fucking thing i write. THIS IS HOW I FEEL! If you really care to fucking know then youd ask me.

To answer a few.....

I know when people post comments here, for the most part, they are all in good intentions. Some people may not realize that certain wording can really pack a punch to the soul. There REALLY is a difference, not only in how people project them selves but also in how they approach others in grief if they have lived though it. There is just NO WORDS because if you have not lived this grief of losing a child you have NO IDEA what it does to a soul.
Words like:

"dwelling" to us = "get over it already." We have no choice really, this is a process, and a long one at that.  Everyday I wake up is another I will NEVER share with my daughter. Another thing.

"Think about your other children" = "Forget about it, just concentrate on what you have here" Seeing my other children makes me ache deep down even MORE. These children were also robbed of their sibling. I will never get to see Stella grow like them, EVER. I will never get to kiss her boo boo's, rock her to sleep, kiss her AT ALL anymore.

"Remember your other children's births" = Makes me remember how Stella's didn't turn out at all what i had wished. My first two births didn't either. Yes I got 2 healthy children, but I had doctors screaming in my face and pushing drugs on me the whole time.  Just another reminder of what I will never get a chance to do again. That KILLS me. I will NEVER get the birth I want.

"Remember my wedding" HA! That was wretched. I was so fat and uncomfortable and my husband looked like a crack head because he was latent with an auto immune disease that was eating away at his body. I never got a honeymoon or reception. & I HATE my wedding pics. PLUS we have had the hardest last 4 years. This marriage is freaking HARD. I cant even begin to tell you.

"I see everything through a dark filter" REALLY?!?!? What is that shit?!? Maybe this is just my life, be glad you don't have to live what i have been though and have to endure EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
I sure am not shitting rainbows and unicorns, i am not ignorant or naive. I see it the way it is, and this IS the way it is. I have to deal with that. This is a process I have to endure and its ugly, dark, disturbing and every other difficult adjective.

"Think about what Stella would want" REALLY? You know what my dead baby wants?! I sure wish i had that kind of communication with my dead child. please share what she has told you.

"Having babies is a small part of a woman's life" Having babies has been the only thing that held my life together.  I had my first child at the age of 16. She was my ONLY reason to live. My kids make me. To leave the world of baby bearing in failure is something I don't want to do. PERIOD. If it wasn't for them I honestly would be some fucked up hippie chick tripping balls out side of some VW bus in CA or DEAD.

"You have been blessed with two wonderful children who seem to have no place in your life as you speak about how hopeless it all is and you don't want to be here and have nothing left." This comment is fucking WHACKED. and i would really like to smack who ever suggested such blasphemy. This person clearly has never had to experience the loss of a child. Telling me i am FAILING my other children or have NO PLACE for them in my life because of my grief!? You are whacked and FUCK YOU for suggesting such bullshit. You clearly don't know me. And if you do, shame on you for saying such bullshit.

Here are some other comments from fellow BLMs on the recent comments put on my blog. ESP the one here:

Anonymous said...

It makes me sad that you see everything through such a dark filter. I know you are trying to fight it. Stella's death has clouded everything deep down that you know you have to live for. She would not want that. She would want to be a beacon of light for you to use her life to help others, which you are trying to do and I am so happy about that. She would want you to be emotionally healthy to raise her brother and sister not in a dark cloud of despair but in the light of love. Focus on them Krystal. You can do it. Get up and out of the darkness. To hear you say your life is over and you have no purpose because you are physically done having babies is painful to hear. Having babies is just a small part of a woman's life. The bigger and more challenging part is living up to the responsibility that God has bestowed upon you as a mother. You have been blessed with two wonderful children who seem to have no place in your life as you speak about how hopeless it all is and you don't want to be here and have nothing left. Don't be blind to what stands before you. You will waste your life stuck in the darkness and this will have an impact on your beloved B & E. The time will come when the pain will lessen. I think you know that - it will. What you do with the time before that is up to you. Ask God to heal your heart and let go, not ever of Stella, but of the darkness that has no place in your life. You have much to offer the world Krystal Kaye."

Comments:

"I went to your blog to see what would've elicited such a comment and I didn't see anything! Your blog is a one where a mother is grieving her child and trying to make sense of the loss in a very confusing world. I've only read a few post so far and I don't see anything that would make me say that you're failing your children, blah, blah...Wow. I would want to punch them in the face, too."

"Yep . . .I know. I got one of these comments too. People are honestly idiots. I think they think they are going to "fix you" or "cure you," like it's that easy. They have absolutely NO CLUE what it feels like to lose a child and ANYONE who knows would NEVER say anything like that. Ever. I'm so sorry you had to read that. Just know that we all understand"

"Three years on I look back and honestly do not see how it is possible to make the CHOICE to be any different. The darkness is a process that must be waded through. There is no choice here. You ride the wave. People who tell you otherwise are asking you to pretend to be other than what you are, which means they are asking you to lie to them because it makes them more comfortable. Well STUFF THEM. Also, people like this don't understand that your blog is where you process the darkest and most difficult parts of your grief. It doesn't mean that you are not functioning, that you aren't loving the children that you have with you. What a freaking insult. Any experienced educated grief counsellor will tell you that."

"I think this person has good intentions and concern but did not word it in the best way. I also think this person doesn't have the slightest clue what it feels like to lose a child so therefore they cannot grasp what this grief is like. People need to understand when reading grief blogs that they are only reading a small portion of your life. They can't see the whole picture to know that it's not constant doom and gloom but we often write when it feels that way because it helps. There will always be comments like this as long as babies die."

"I'm so sorry you had to read those words. As the other ladies have said, they don't get it and hopefully never will. Ignore them...but it is comments like that which force some of us to go "private" with our blogs. I considered it after getting a similar comment. Just remember, this person doesn't know you, your pain or how you parent your living children. All they have seen is the little portion of life that was shared on your blog. They really wont ever see the full picture"

"Krystal, I'm so sorry.. I went to your blog because I wanted to see how long you've been without Stella.. It frustrates me that people feel they can be so judgemental (even if it is well intentioned) less than a year out.. Im almost 3 years out and am finally feeling joy more regularly again.. (A friend told a mutual friend "Kathryn's so much fun, now that she's normal again!" Gah.). Big hugs to you!"

" I went to your blog to read the entries and the comments. I'm in the process of writing a comment myself. IT is obvious those who have left such comments know nothing of the process we go through in finding our way back after a loss. And just the fact that it hasn't even been a year for you...you are exactly where I would expect you to be. You are right where I was at 9 months, and I got much worse before I finally started finding myself coming back. But they...they will (hopefully) never know what this is like."

"Wow! It's so unfair for anyone to tell you what to do with your life. They can give advice but it seems like she is telling you how you need to cope. I am so sorry. Ignore them. Set your blogger settings to where no one can leave an anonymous comment so you never have to deal with someone making you feel this way again. HUGS Krystal"

" I don't understand how people can go around telling others, "your baby would want this and that" like that your child has had your life in their hand, we have little BABIES in heaven not little Gods that are telling other people what they want us to do. That comment from whomever it is, is why I cannot air my inner feeling for I fear the outside world cannot comprehend all that goes on. The last thing we need is to be judged about our feelings and Mothering skills! I am so sad for you sweetie!"

 "Krystal, isn't the purpose of your blog for you to share however you may FEEL at that particular moment? Even shrouded in darkness? What did this person expect to read when they started following? oh life is just peachy and full of roses and puppies? They can go scratch if you ask me"

" it makes my blood boil when people shame us in our grief and try to tell us we can talk or feel ourselves out of it!! it's a P..R..O..C..E..S..S...a lifelong one and those who haven't been in our shoes don't know what the heck they are talking about!! so sorry!! i think people do this when they are SO uncomfortable with our feelings and it makes them feel better about themselves to throw platitudes in our face. this sort of stuff is not helpful AT ALL. ((hugs))"

" Wow how can people be so cruel and not think about what you have lost and especially stating''' Having babies is just a small part of a woman's life'''now that just pissed me off my gosh she just wants you to forget your precious baby girl and it's like saying she never was born the thought of this just breaks my heart,,let us mom's @ SOBBS go and give her a piece of our minds,,my prayers are with you Krystal (((((hugs))))) to you"

" the very first line of that shouts out that this person hasn't been through the loss of a child (imo).Anyone who has been through it knows that "life" changes,"normality" changes. The reality is that we live with the "dark filter"(as they put it) constantly (imo). i find there is ALWAYS something to remind me of my son,not that i could forget him of course,but theres always the "what ifs" or "if he was here now he'd be.......". Krystal i hope this person doesn't feel the "need" to bring you down with that b.s again x ♥"

"Obviously this person has never lost a child and doesn't understand the utter pain and devastation that losing a child creates. I have two living children who are my world, but to the depths of my soul I am still dying inside with out my daughter. I cry every night for the loss of her and no matter how many living children I will have I will still be so desperate to have her back with me. People tend to think that because you have living children, weather they were born before or after a loss, that you are magically healed of the pain. There is not one day that goes by that I don't want to lay down and die because I am so grief stricken over the death of my daughter. This person needs to take her "words of wisdom" and stick them somewhere else. Delete this unnecessary stress from your life."

" no one can really understand what u are going through; but i can not understand how someone wrote that to u! grief for a child is all-consuming; and u have no control over it; people need to be kinder to each other; my heart goes out to u!"

" unfortunately Krystal this still happens occasionally to me (rude judgemental comments) I lost my angel 22 yrs ago and have been told "I should be over it by now" and to "step it up that was a long time ago, its in the past" WTF! one thing losing a child does give us is extra compassion and empathy...I guess its our angels gift to us..."

These are the comments you get from people who KNOW this grief. Who have lived it and are STILL living it. Even some being 22 years out of the epicenter of this grief still feel the effects. Its life long. EVERYDAY, your child should be growing and learning and they're not here. You have to live with out them, everyday. Maybe some of the people who write these comments need to sit down and try to imagine what it would be like for them to be with out one of their children. Then come and read what it is LIKE to REALLY have to live that way. To have all of those dreams, aspirations, your FUTURE, all cut out of you and burned to ash and placed in an urn on your dresser. A reminder of what you will never get, of the grief you will have to live with for the rest of this life time. If you cant offer hugs and compassion then get lost. Telling me i am living under some vail of darkness is bullshit. I am living with the grief of my child.