2 1/2 years.....

Well, in 20 days it will be 2 1/2 years since Stella was born and died.
As much as I wish I had a curly haired toddler running around, I have to settle for a toddler of grief.
And oh how grief changes and grows. Its a series of ebb and flow of emotions. An ever changing path or much like the weather, the air, sky, water, or fire. Its always there, moving around inside and out. Making itself known in various ways. A little girl, a pregnant woman, a new born, pink hats, stars, a breath....death.
You learn how to adapt after time. To the triggers, to the pain, to the sheer existence of it all.
Shortly after Stella died I closed up tight from just about everything around me. Like a clam gnawing on this shred of glass somehow trying to make a pearl of it.
Shrouded in pure grief and loss. I wrapped it around me like a thick blanket and let it consume me. As I would've done in life consumed with breastfeeding, diaper changing & sleep deprivation had she lived. I didn't know how to even BE in this new and different terrain of life. It was NOTHING I was hoping and expecting.  I also was very good at beating myself up about the Ifs, Whys, What ifs, Hows, why why why....... I had lost control and had to learn how to live a life I didn't want.
I am stubborn as hell too, so it hasn't been easy.
Ive been walking this road for awhile, and for a long while of that it was quite dark and stormy. The sun chose to peek though every once in awhile, but for the most part it was me and my blanket huddled in the ditch on the side of this road. I took my time there, as many times as people tried pushing me forward, pulling out of it, or ripping my blanket off noting got me away from that spot. I owned it and nothing but me could get me out of it. In many ways it was comforting. Grief reminded me of Stella, it made me feel like she was still alive somehow. Actively in my life. I didn't want to let her go.
As time ticked on and people stopped trying to "fix me" and faltered off, the ones who just wanted to support me let me be and would drop reminders that they were there for me and let me take my time. I thank them so very much.
Its OK to grieve and take your time. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
As long as your not physically harming yourself or others and it isn't becoming destructive.
Crying is a good thing, a VERY good thing. I notice even now, if I haven't cried in awhile my mood will spiral and eventually I will wrap that blanket around me and wallow until I do cry. I can feel it in me, like a hole that burns my very heart and it grows and grows. Sucking the breath out of my lungs like a heavy weight laid upon my chest.
 This is usually the time I end up drinking too much trying to get that release from the pain, but really the only thing that works is giving my grief a little time and crying.
I will miss her FOREVER. I may not cry everyday like I once had, but believe me, I still do.
I feel closer to her when I do. Its not the deep wailing heart wrenching cries I had often, but those feel good to get out too.
I just wanted to drop a few lines as an update of sorts.
I'm doing OK. Grief isn't as RAW as it was. The sky doesn't storm constantly as it once did.
It may be over cast every once in awhile but the sun does peek through.
It just takes time.
Time to grieve.
Time to learn.
Time to adjust.
Time to pick up the pieces, to change, to morph, to cry, to re-evaluate, to love.
Take your time. As much as I didn't believe it, there comes a time to let go too.
To accept.
To carry on.
To live again.
I keep that blanket folded nicely and when I feel the need to put it on, I do. And I spend my time with Stella and I cry for her, for me, for what we never got to share. For our love.
Then I take it off, fold it back up and place it tenderly in my heart right where she belongs.


I am sending prayers to a couple people I know and love. One couple just recently lost their 14 month old. A couple I care for deeply. I pray their love can help pull each other through on this road of grief and that God will hold tight on their hearts as they heal.
Also to a close relative of mine who is carrying her terminal son to term or natural death. May God grant her some loving time with her son and lead her down this road with faith and joy in the moments she shares with him.

God Bless.