Being 2 years out from the fall of life itself, I stop and look back. I see the bits and pieces of what I had hoped and dreamed of scatted along the road of life. Things I was holding on to, things I let go.
I see my hands, wore and calloused from gripping these very dreams and aspirations I had for my life and Stella's, as well as ours together so tightly. Her life with B, B's life with her. Her having an older sister and B having a younger one. The life with E and E's chance at being the big brother he is. Caring, compassionate, giving, protective. Her life with me. Our lives together.....
Bit by bit I place these dreams along the road of my grief, of my life that essentially became nothing but my grief. Did I take a wrong turn? I wonder to myself often how I ended up on this road. After living on streets I knew and loved and was quite satisfied with, especially on the upcoming view..... Or at least what I had thought and dreamed it would be. I thought I had seen it clearly, but it must have been a mirage. Because I am here now and I have walked this new and difficult path for 2 and a half years.
Grief feels different after 2 and a half years.
The road looks different or maybe I am creating a new one to add to this map of my life.
I'm learning to put down the dreams I had and carry forth with what can become of my life from here.
Sometimes the weight I carry feels like a giant magnet that keeps pulling me back to that road, the dark one, the one that was once so bright and lovely, that turned on me. That became a pit of burining hell.
Maybe what I am trying to hold on to doesn't belong on this new road and I just have to learn how to leave it all behind before I travel foreword.
Its difficult putting down things you love and wanted and even more so, to walk away from it. It takes time and is a learned ability. every.single.time. you place something down, every.single.piece.
There is no map for this. As much as I wish there were, there isn't.
Were creating it.
As we are presented with life's uncertainties, we decide which way we want to travel in this. And those decisions take time.
I sat on the side of my road wrapped in my grief, consumed, for over 2 years. And that is OK.
I honestly feel like just recently, with in the last couple of months decided to get my ass up and decide on a new path. Which was presented to me as a new job. I have to put down may past (NEVER forgetting) and walk foreword, because if I don't just let it go, I cant get through that door and into the new. Take a picture of what you loved, about what you had and carry that in your heart. because if you take along the things you hated, the things that hurt, the ones that anger, they seem to grow. Like a poisonous parasite sucking the energy and life from you, which leaves you with no stamina to continue.
Walk by faith, not by sight.
Because we cant see where we are going, its nothing but a mirage our minds have created in the likeliness of what we desire and want. Which leads to nothing but disappointment when it falls.
That is why living in the present, which is always a gift, is so important.
Everything sounds so cliche, but it couldn't be truer.
In the early days of my grief, I couldn't stand hearing all the "Inspirational Quotes" coming from people who didn't know how it felt for their child to die. It felt mocking and crude. And I was ANGRY. There is NO arguing with a sick mind. And my heart and mind were broken and ill.
So I rested in my grief until I healed some.
It takes time. NO FRIGGN JOKE. Time. As if you were healing from bring burned from head to toe, or in a horrific car accident and every bone was broken. Rest in the lord and he shall be with you and heal you. One.Day.At.A.Time.
I don't have many answers and really nothing I have are answers. I have nothing but experience in what I have endured. I hope that what I have learned and found on this path I walked, may help others on theirs by giving hope that someday..... somehow you can find a way to let go or set down whatever it is that holds you where ever you are and walk to where ever it is you may find. I pray what you find when you do walk is something healing and beautiful, enchanting and filled with compassion and hope, something that makes this world brighter in your heart and soul. I hope you find love after love had once died, in what ever it may be. Even if its just inside you and your able to project that outward to everyone you meet. A beacon of light in this dark world.
Love everyone fully, at all times, that's all we have is the present and all we can do is make the best of it. Nothing is promised but death and life eternally with God if that is what we chose to recieve. A gift is only good if you take accept it and recieve it.
As we are being conditioned here, we can be Gods voice on Earth and until our time, we shall remain his "soulders".
Blessings to you all.
0 comments:
Post a Comment