Re-model Me

A few days ago I started jogging. Day 3 today.

Exercise has been a huge help in my grief since the beginning of this mess and for awhile I wasn't working out at all. Many people I know have picked up jogging and Ive wanted to for long time now.

 A fellow BLM started running soon after losing her daughter Reese. She is one of the only mommas (out of 3 that I can think of) I know (met around the time I lost Stella) out of this that has still not been blessed with her rainbow. So for that reason I suppose I can relate with her a little more.
 Her daughter Reese died just 2 months before Stella so she is on a very similar "grief time line" as me.  But she has been far better off, than me, I'm my opinion. She recently stopped blogging, but I'm sure she is still running. I kind of wish I could have kept in touch with her. She is inspiring and I think of a lot that she has said or wrote while I jog. 
So I'm off on a mission to "re-model" myself. And in turn I'm sure it will remodel the essence of this blog as well.  I come here to bitch and complain about how hard it is to be a mom whose baby is dead in heaven and how the world likes to mock me for that in every aspect of my life. From my husband deciding for us that no more kids are in our future, to being reminded of what I am missing everyday of my life in the eyes of my nieces. 
Instead of obsessing over the obvious I am going to try a new approach.
I will try listening to God. Instead of yelling, screaming and crying at him everyday (although the Bible says this is a form of worship, see Psalms.)
I will try to keep quiet the pain and suffering in my heart and see if he will call back to me.
I will try, I will try, I will try.

I am reading the Bible again. I went to church with my family Saturday. Although I did not agree with how the preacher was interpreting Gods word, it did inspire me to open the Bible again and listen to Gods word in my heart instead of some preachers opinion. that was really quite hurtful. So I know that it couldn't be God working through this man.
 I have actually had a few occasions at this same church that made me feel this way. I have also had some good, but the bad are some heavy shadows. I know my husband wouldn't want to leave this particular church and IF I was to attend some other church I'm sure he would feel I was against our marriage too, because he feels since THIS is where/who married us, we belong here. I disagree. But I am willing to try. for him. Like I do. always.

So any who, like I was saying, I am reading Romans. Everyday before my jog I will read a few verses and concentrate on what God has to say to me while I jog. (inbetween trying not to have a heart attack!) I need to quit smoking if I plan to continue this, lol! I'm sure it would make it that much easier!

If my husband wants to attend church again on a weekly basis, I will, for him. But my church in is my heart and I'm going to do my best to listen to what God has to say to me. all the while, getting healthier.

Here is to hoping this will help me, my health, my heart and my head.

forever missing and loving you Stella.

Now I can not promise I wont come here and unload some heavy grief still from time to time, but I am hoping I can become a little more inspiring to others who are also on this path.

We will never forget and we will never be the same, but that doesnt mean we will forever be sad and broken.
We can put ourselves back together (for me with the help of working on my health and Gods word) into maybe something a little better. And that takes TIME and A LOT OF WORK!!!

A quote I have read a million times, and have actually hated it too at some points, is now a new form of hope for me. And HOPE has been hard to come by in my heart, because ALL I hoped for was a rainbow. But since now that has been botched, I will have to hope this:

"I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it."

I sure hope so.

Here is to hope.