I have probably written too much already. Sorry if I have offended or hurt anyone in my pain and honesty. I will crawl back into this lonely box hidden in my heart and weep...... alone.
ten years
6 years ago
Monday, August 13, 2012
There is A LOT
I wish I could write here. But apparently I can not because it would not be acceptable for others apparently. I have been fighting an insane battle, which I feel very alone in. I dont know what to think or even feel. I want to have hope, but in having so, with the chances of being crushed, I wonder if it is even worth it? I would rather not give a shit sometimes really. But I am such a passionate caring person, I do care and too much obviously, and I want hope but I dont think my heart can bear being broken again, and the chances at any kind of rainbow hope are soooooo low now, it is almost useless. Why is life so cruel? Why why why? Why couldn't Stella just have lived? They say God has a plan, and what is done in life is to better us. Stella's death did NOTHING of the sort. It was the WORST thing that could've happened. There is just NO GOOD that came of this mess. none. It is hard to have faith in much when life has proved the opposite. I just dont get it. I want to have faith and hope like I had before. But how? I read scripture and I feel punished. I feel lied to. I feel thrown to the wolves. And I see so many others that have been too. I just dont see the point and I want to.
I have probably written too much already. Sorry if I have offended or hurt anyone in my pain and honesty. I will crawl back into this lonely box hidden in my heart and weep...... alone.
I have probably written too much already. Sorry if I have offended or hurt anyone in my pain and honesty. I will crawl back into this lonely box hidden in my heart and weep...... alone.
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8 comments:
You are not alone. You shouldn't apologize for hurting anyone's feelings you have a right to feel how you feel, and you have a right to express it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I feel just how you feel in terms of a relationship with God and the supposed "plan". It doesn't make sense. I went to a wedding this weekend. The first time I had been in a church since I lost my sons. I felt so angry while I sat there. I too, feel betrayed. I am so sorry. Thinking of you and Stella.
You know I have never understood that line of thinking ... "It happened for a reason" or "it was God's plan". How does that help? Does it make a heart hurt any less. If I stomp on your foot with a good reason does it hurt less than if I just did it? No, of course not. Pain is pain.
And I understand their desire to have the old "you" back. But I don't think that pressuring you, and disrespecting your grief is really going to help. I really wish that you could you find a place of peace. A way to not feel so angry and raw all the time. But no one force you to get there. And it has to be ok that you are still on the road. And I think it is the job of your friends and family to hold your hand, and support you and help you get there. Not try to push, and cajole, and trip you up. HUGS.
- D
You definitely are not alone!! This is your space and you should be able to write what you are thinking & feeling! No need to apologize! I am so sorry for all you have been through and although I am not a spiritual person, I too find it hard to believe that such losses can be part of a plan. Lots of (((hugs))). I am thinking of you!
You are not alone. I feel so sorry for your loss. This is a tragic and unjust thing to bear the weight of. This should not have happened and you have every right to grieve this loss. You have every right to feel anger and sadness and loss of faith and hope. Trauma in birth CHANGES US. Loss of a child BREAKS US. But please, in your darkest moments remember that "there is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in." Remember, the light will get in. Maybe not today but it will. Do not stifle your voice. Do not stop sharing your story. Do not let others tell you how to grieve. Do not listen to them or cater to their discomfort. You are a powerful and strong woman. Share your fears, hopes, dreams and pain. You are being heard and supported. You are not alone.
hi. i felt like you did. exactly. i havent written in ur blog for a while... im autumns mom. it took me 3.5 years to have my next baby. i thought it would never happen. we tried everything... even goign as far as getting on birth control. i wasnt getting pregnant... and i heard of people getting pregnant while on birth control.. so i thought... why not give that a try. that didnt work. but atleast we finally got pregnant. i just know u will. i really do. every single thing u write on ur blog i felt. and when u asked... does having a babby help. yes yes yes it does.. ur time will come crystal. i know i said it allready in this post... but i felt exaxtly how u did. when i read how sometimes the 28 goes by and u realize that the end of the month has come and didnt realzie the 28 came i too felt those days come on. its very very very bitter sweet. but that is a huge huge great sign... to all those people.. who just dont get how ur feeling... that u r getting better... or whatever they r wanting from u.
i love u crystal.. even thought u dont know me. i think of u often. and u hold on... i often thought of those cat pictures holding on to dear life when they have there claws stuck in the rope.
please take care... and feel free to chat and say hi to me if uy get a minute.
thanks
I wish I had the hope to say, tink OR feel I will ever have the chance to have another baby but my husband took certain permanent steps to make sure that never happens for me.
:*(
totally broken. forever.
can he get it reversed? my girlfriend had cancer and her husband got it snipped. they didnt have hope... but he got it reversed and 4 years later they got pregnant. her and i have huge gaps in our kids... her.13 years and i.... 10 years. oh please i will keep hoping for u. when u may not have hope... and i totally get that!!!! others do have hope for u.. beleive me.. as u and i both know.. stranger things have happened. i have hope for you. some how i have got to convince ur husband... the feelings u have will stay until u have hope. thinking of u
^ He wont. We had our first child at the ripe age of 15/16, she is now 13 1/2. Eli is 5 and Stella should be 22 months old. We missed out chance, as he likes to put it. I failed and have to get the fuck over it I guess. :*(
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