You can only see the stars at night.

That may be why I spend so much time in the dark.


Im sick of being pushed into feelings I just dont have or into what I am just not yet.
 I try and I try hard every day.
I miss my daughter, and I am pissed off she is dead.
Im sad. Im dissappointed. Im devistated. I miss her. I want her. I dont understand why.

Yes I get mad at God, but that doesnt mean I dont have a relationship with Him.
I feel I have every right to be mad. And feel every feeling I have.

YES I get sad and depressed when I think of Stella, and that may be often, and from time to time durring the day. But that DOES NOT mean I feel like that all the time *or* about everything else in my life.
What happened sucked. It was the worst that couldve happened in that situation. for me. for her.

I do see the blessings in my life, but that doesnt take away from the fact that  my daughter is DEAD and im scarred for life.
Not only on my physical body, but also on my heart and soul.
It changes the course of my future forever.

Ive been having an ever harder time lately because I had "gone along" with the choice to give up hope of another child. I gave up on what I wanted.

To give away the chance at ever being able to do all of those things I LOVE and LIVE for in my life. for you. I gave that up. And it is the hardest thing to tackle every morning and ever night. Every time I see a baby, I will be reminded. forever. and that will hurt, probably forever.

I gave that up to feel like this?
To be treated like this?

Dont tell me Im not strong.
It takes more than you even know to do this everyday.

Dont tell me Im hiding behind my grief.
You must be so blessed to not have to feel this.

Dont tell me Im only depressed because I wallow in self pitty.

Dont tell me to get over this.

Dont tell me you hate me like this.

Dont tell me I should be feeling something else.

That is what I signed up for?  
put downs.
sacrifice.

Maybe you should give up on what you want most for what someone else wants and talk to me then.


Yes, life is not fair.
But there are choices people can make to help make it more enjoyable and worth while for others they love. and themselves.

vent over.

I am going to go sit in the dark, alone, and look at the stars.