Finding a "Reason"

I am having a REALLY HARD time seeing any kind of "reason" for Stella's death. There are SO MANY BLM's who have found something that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for their childs' demise and it made a positive difference in their lives and those of others. I cant seem to see ANYTHING positive. I did have the walk to remember and donated baby loss stuff to the hospitals but really.......just even more so depressing knowing what i had to give is to people who have to endure this hell. Not "If it wasn't for her death so and so (rainbow baby) wouldn't be here"  or "If it wasn't for their death I would've never had a relationship with God"
I had a strong relationship and her death wore that so thin I almost lost it all together.
My children are suffering. My daughter has had such a HARD time and her life is being effected in such a crappy direction.  If Stella would've lived Briana would've had a FAR better understanding of responsibility and never would've had to endure grief of her own.
Eli wouldn't have regressed SO DRASTICALLY in potty training and Co-sleeping habits it is like having a 2 year old again, not an almost 5 year old.
I wouldn't have this wretched scar and broken heart.
I just don't fucking get it at all and it PISSES ME OFF!!!!
I most likely will never get the chance to use anything I bought for her.
My home birth dream was SHATTERED forever and in so many horrible ways. This is such bullshit and I am pissed off. 
There is no fucking "reason" My daughter died and its BULLSHIT. period.

I am just so pissed off right now. I feel because of this, everything is worse off.