Year Two....so far.

The trees are bare yet again. The weather is cold, the sky is gray. This happens each year around this time in Wisconsin. I have a hard time in the winter. My depression consumes me 75% of the season and I wish I could just hibernate through it all. This year is proving to be far more difficult than the first after Stella's death. I am pretty positive I was drifting though completely numb and in denial. I felt as though I was still pregnant, still waiting for her, it just wasn't true. A year has come and gone and this winter season is wearing me down once again. This time though I have no numb armor, no denial to keep me from knowing she is really dead, gone forever, ashes in a silver moon urn upon my dresser. This house, even decorated for Christmas, seems so dead and empty. My heart feels the same. I want so badly to be able to feel joy and excitement but it eludes me completely. The sadness has come on stronger now and I feel like I am looked at, by those who don't know, as a problem. Someone who cant let go, cant forget.  I cant and I wont forget my daughter. She was a dream of mine. VERY much wanted and planned for and she is very much dead, my dream shattered. I didn't lose just a child, I lost a lifetime. A life sentence I can never escape.
I have also hit that time of the month I dread. AF has made her appearance full force this month. Like a mocking towards me. YOUR NOT PREGNANT! I have no chance at that spark at life again. That chance to heal just a little more. The counter balance of light in the midst of this dark cold rain I'm in. Again hope is gone. There is no support either for hope. I see so many other BLMs either having or pregnant with their rainbows and the transformation of healing is SO evident to me. I feel so stuck with out that, with out even the CHANCE at hope to have that. Its making this despair magnified  1 million %. With out hope, all seems lost. Right now the only hope I carry is that of my death and being reunited with Stella. That is not the hope I need to LIVE. With out that spark at life, all is so bleak and dark. I KNOW I have my children here, 2 beautiful children. I KNOW THIS (so please refrain from reminding me or telling me I am failing them for grieving for my lost one~thanks)
I love them and I do what I can. ANY mother who has been though what I have would understand.
I even talked with a mother who lost her daughter 5 years ago. She since had 2 rainbows and says flat out it was THEM who helped her heal. She felt EXACTLY as I do the first few years before conceiving her first rainbow. I have also talked to people who have not had their rainbow and are upwards of 25 years out and they STILL ache as I do now. I feel its my ONLY way out and I am being denied that chance.  I am so angry about that. Every month that comes and goes with out that chance is another month deeper into despair for me. This is how I feel. This is where I am 1 year and 6weeks out from the death of my youngest. My little star who I miss more than ANYONE could even imagine.