ten years
5 years ago
Friday, December 9, 2011
When does this get better?
Does it ever? These waves of grief are crashing down in me. I feel them crush me. I ache for my daughter, The life I wanted so badly with her. The life our family should have right now. Not growing rapidly apart, crumbling. Nothing in this life feels solid to me anymore. Its all a mere occupation an illusion. How can this life mean ANYTHING? This isnt even LIFE! Its pure suffering, pain, anguish. We need to hole the tiny moments of anything positive just to carry us though the numerous horrible aspects of this life. EVERYWHERE I look I see it. Hell. All over the world. I dont know what to do. I just FEEL so torn apart. The weight of life is far too much. Its something I cant "give to God" because *I* need to make decisions. That "free will" Im given. If I just keep letting it go its going to keep getting worse. Life all together. I just want to be done.
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2 comments:
Yes, life can get better. Can even be good again. One way is to find a grief therapist or support group. The therapy may or may not be helpful, but commit yourself to 10 weeks of going and not missing. The mere act of looking for help, for relief, of trying to find a way can be the next step. The first step was realizing that what you are doing now isn't working. You have done that. And that is not always easy to face.
The next step is looking for what works for you. Could be a daily walk or run. A time for reading or music. A time set aside to grieve and remember. Could be an idea from a friend, or at a support group. But the looking is the important part now. Looking at crazy ideas, trying to find what gives you a bit of peace.
Stepping one step back from this brink and saying, "Well, fuck it, this crap hasn't worked, what will?"
This pain, this mourning, this longing for your beautiful Stella, is so hard. So hard.
Wishing you a moment of peace this evening,
Jill A.
It doesn't get better per say. How can it, that was your child. What gets better is your ability to cope with it. It has been ten years for me and there are still days were I am a blubbering mess. I accept it, give myself those hours/days to break down and swim in the grief that once consumed me. Then I get up, compose myself the best I can and try to go on everyday. Group therapy and support groups- go to them. Therapist- find the best one you can. Losing a child, that hurt never goes away so don't expect it to.
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