Day 5 Memory

This has got to be one of my favorite moments that Ive caught on camera.
The one and only video that includes every member of our family, together.

If I could go back and live in this moment forever, I think I would.

 

Day 4: Legacy

2 Peter 1:12-15 ESV 

Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have. I think it right, as long as I am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder, since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me. And I will make every effort so that after my departure you may be able at any time to recall these things.

If there is one legacy I believe Stella would want me to live forth is trust, trust in myself, my heart, God. 

Walking by faith and not by sight. 

I keep falling short in life and suffering because I'm not listening to my soul. And it's screaming at me. 

I can see this problem clear as day but refuse to do anything about it. 

It's time. 

Day 3 ~ Myths

The 5 stages of grief.

"They" say there is 5 stages to grief, all in a pretty little order in which we as humans must follow. Moving steadily from one stage to another, like climbing stairs. And once you reach #5 you will be all better. Accept and move on.
6 months is the recommended time allowance for these stages. Or some psychologists (drug companies) say you, if unable to work through these stages properly are just a depressed person who needs drugs.
...
 

S.M.H.

 No.

There is no cookie cutter grief map. 
 There are not just 5 steps, stages or hurdles to leap.
There are more steps to grief then all the ones I take in a day, a year or even my lifetime in this body.

She is a soul, connected to mine through eternity. Beyond what this life journey lays out for me. More then I can see, explain or even imagine.

"Grief is the work of love"

I will love her through eternity and grieve her through out this entire life time.

Grief is not a bad thing, but it definitely bares the hardest of emotions.
The very ones that make us human.
The facets of the soul.

You don't travel from one stage to another. Like riding a bus, dropping a bag of this heavy luggage off at each stop. And move on to the next.
That is just not the way this works.
You carry all the baggage, all your days.
We learn HOW to carry this baggage.
This love.
We learn how to morph our human emotions into something more.
Into the deepest of love.
Accepting the whole coin, both the good and the bad.
The ultimate test in life.
To learn this.
Not to "get over it"
It's an entire soul transformation.
And we do it all on our own time.
Forever.
And I'm ok with that.

I may not be ok with how or why this happened.

But I will always be sad I can't share this life with her living.
And I'm ok with that too.
I'm doing my best.
And only need that to be accepted, supported and shared through love.

Tear those delusional pages out of the book and burn em

Day 2 Identity

Today's subject is of identity. What identifies your child. Her stats, birthday, resemblances, what was of their life. 

You would think this would be easy, but it is not. 

She goes far deeper then any stats or physical features could describe. 

Stella was born on a foggy October morning. The 28th. 

I obsessed over this birthday book during my pregnancy, anticipating her arrival. Curious to which day. What would she be like? How is this new life going to add to the dynamics of our family!? 

Excited is a word that doesn't even touch what I felt for her arrival. Obsession may come closer. 

She was delivered via emergency csection after the non-stress test started losing her heart tones on the machine. I felt her move one last time before blacking out into the darkness of anesthesia. The black hole that tore life right out of me. 

She was born at 11:27am weighing in at 7lbs1oz. 19" in length. 

Perfect. 

Beautiful. 

I just didn't understand. And honestly, I never will. 

Her features brought me back 11 years to when her sister was born. She was almost identical. 

Almost. 

Although her face resembled that of her older sister, her hairline, ears and eyes were mine. Looked like her brother Eli. She was a perfect mix. 

Her fathers toes. Long and awkwardly crooked. Just as Bri and Eli also shared. 

Long fingers with delicate long finger nails. 

Perfect lips. 

Chubby cheeks. 

Her name was chosen the day I got a positive pregnancy test. Although it was unknown to us all. 

I went to my sisters and told her I was pregnant and that I loved the name Stella. After that names came and went, I thought she was a boy for a long time as well, then twins. I just didn't really know what was going on. When she was born I held her lifeless body against mine. Drinking in the sweet smell, her features, the love we have. And I knew all along her name was Stella. My star in heaven. 

In the birthday book I would sit and read, over and over. 

As if something in there would tell me who she was. What I was missing. Who I would bury. 

All I knew was that of her from carrying her, just below my heart, for 38weeks. 

Her movements. 

When she'd be awake, when she slept. How she rolled and touched me through the skin of my abdomen. 

The feeling of love that radiated from my heart to hers. 

That was all I knew. 

And I wanted more. 

I wanted years and years to get to know her. 

I wanted to know the color of her eyes. 

The sound of her voice. Cries. Laughter. How she would say momma. 

The way she would interact with her siblings. Her father. 

Was she a snuggle bug? Independent? Clingy? 

Would she like squash or peas? 

Was she an artist? 

I will never know. 

I will never really know her identity. 

I can only imagine. Or read this book and dream.

"Those born on the 28th believe in being well prepared. 

Their strengths include being curious, thorough, interesting. Some weaknesses are they can be prying, demanding and cutting" 

The meditation of this day is:

"Learning when to let go and allow things to happen on their own is indeed a practiced art" 

Is that MY lesson? 

I just will never really know. 

I lost that chance. 

I lost her in this lifetime. 

Given and taken. 

I can only imagine or dream of her real identity. As real as she is. The space between or the vails that separate our worlds, our lives, will keep all of that hidden until I can pass and be with her again. 

I do know this, 

She changed my identity. 

Capture your grief 2013

For another year Carly Marie is hosting the beautiful "capture your grief" blog project. 

October is a rough month for me already, being Stella's birthday month. This project has helped in so many ways, process my grief. 

Every year this project starts off with a picture of the sunrise. 

   This was taken on me and my sons walk to the bus stop. Taken in Rochester WI at 8am

It was cool and cloudy. It captured my emotions this morning for sure. 

" Although the sky is grey, the clouds keep moving, and there is light behind the clouds" 

I try my hardest to remember that, to feel the light, to trust there is light behind the clouds. 

Hope that someday I will be ok. 

Here is a list of the "subjects" for the rest of the month. 

I hope that if you have endured the loss of your child that you may join. Join on FB or even just for yourself. It's healing in so many ways. God bless. 

2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.

4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Before you take part in Day 10 please note this, I welcome everyone to join this Capture Your Grief Challenge including people of all belief systems and also those who have no beliefs at all. What I ask of you, is that you respect everyone else here. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not. If you choose to share your beliefs today, please make sure that you respect everyone else’s beliefs even if you do not agree or understand them. Do not tell anyone else that they are wrong if they do not share your own beliefs and please do not push your views onto anyone else. I am very proud to say that everyone who comes to my page are 99% of the time respectful to each other and very kind (I sometimes wonder if I am being protected by a greater force as it is so rare to have so very few problems on a social media page with 1000′s of people!). I would really love everyone to honour this request for love and respect today. We can all complete this day peacefully together. I believe this day can be a very interesting and beautiful one. Let us honour our similarities and our differences too.

11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.

13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.

14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

16. Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?

17. Time: How long has it been since your baby died.

18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

19. Support: Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?

20. Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.

21. Honour: Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.

22. Words: Share your favourite quote, poem, song lyrics, scripture that you have found.

23. Tattoos/Jewellery: Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo. Please feel welcome to share links too.

24. Artwork: Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death? Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honour your baby? Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.

25. #SayItOutLoud: Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?

26. Community: What does this community mean to you?

27. Signs: If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?

28. Special Place: This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?

29. Healing: What has had the most healing impact on your life through this journey of grief?

30. Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?

31. Sunset: To close this project and this month of Baby Loss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

My love goes out to all the bereaved parents across the world. Together we have light, love, community. We are not alone. 

alone in the fall

An empty house, all too quiet except the cicadas buzzing in the yard.
Summer is drawing to an end, fall is encroaching, nagging, the beginning of another downward spiral. The intense presence of her missing.
I can feel it.
Deep with in provoking the hole to begin burning again.
I am alone.
I shouldn't be.
Where is the toddler to keep me busy?
Park outings, lunch, picnics, adventures in the woods......
The older kids are off to school.
Its far to quiet and I am nothing but my own worst enemy.
Digging up what should've been. What I WANTED, what I want.
Next month Stella should be 3.
I shouldn't fear the fall. Which is exactly what it has become. A fall, into the longing. the loneliness of her missing.
 I sit alone day after day.
There is really only so much you can clean.
I have no desire to do anything else.......alone.
When I do tread out, its always there. mom and daughter. Spending time together. laughing, loving, moving, breathing, living.
Her death is something I will  never escape.
How do I learn to live with out her?  
To not beat myself up.
Become buried in the what ifs, the wants, the needs, the dreams.
The quiet.
The weight that holds me down.
The everything that is what it just should not be.
The Why?
As her birthday approaches, its all too hard not to.
Especially when I am alone.
When the summer draws to an end.
The cold marches in, the leaves fall.
I fall.
alone. . .

Staring into the depths. Of myself and my loneliness, my longing. The hole.

At the edge of fall, the edge of falling.

She was there and it was beautiful and now its everything but.
I hate this time of the year. It just......hurts.

When grief meets grief

I'm wondering if its just me or if this is a normal reaction, or lack there of, when it comes to others passing after the grief of losing your child. 

Now, I know it can't be normal to have dealt with the amount of death I have in the last few years, it's mind blowing actually. But what I have noticed, in my emotion and grief, is that nothing even comes close to hitting me hard, or hitting me at all actually, as Stella's death did. 

Her death was the center of my emotion blown apart like an atomic bomb. Grief so deep the ocean or even the universe could not compare to its depths. 

After Stella died and I traveled along that desolate road grief drops us off on, alone, ragged, cold, wet, in complete disarray. I have come upon many other deaths along this road. The death of my best friends mom ( a second mother to myself, I'd known her all my life) she passed unexpectedly exactly 3 months from the day Stella died, our 19 year old babysitter whom I've known her entire life, car accident, my godmother from cancer, her husband just a few months ago, a good friends son who'd been mauled by pit bulls at 14 months old in march, my cousins son of excencephally born and died just 6 weeks ago, &  now today, my aunt. She is my husband maternal aunt, but we were close. I loved her dearly too. She was a loving caring faithful woman who is now lovingly holding my beautiful daughter in the presence of The Lord. Besides those who'd passed after Stella, there are many many more I love who'd gone with in a few years before. A good close friend, my husbands best friend actually, my sister in law, another of my aunts, grandfather and an uncle. It seems to be plaguing. 

I'm numb. 

Nothing compares to Stella's death though. Not even close. This feels wrong. I should grieve my aunts death too. My godmothers, my friends son and so on. It should be deep and wailing, soul piercing. I should be sad. But what I really comes down to is, I'm jealous. 

For my aunt, I'm happy her battle is over. She is at peace. She isn't here anymore and that, for her is great. For everyone else, sure it hurts, especially for those who hold regret. 

Why don't I hurt?

 To me I feel selfish to grieve anymore. To see the animosity that occurs in those who had chastised her and not shown the real pure love she tried to, she did, to the best of her ability. She was shunned by family who'd cared for her because they couldn't 'handle her problems' (alcoholism) 

She was human. In a wretched mean cruel world latent of temptation, sin and misery. She tried her best and she can now rest with God. Because she knew he loves her. No matter what shed done, failed at, stumbled over. She knew. Now she really knows. 

Have I run my course with grief dry? 

Has the bar been set so high, that my emotions just can't reach such levels anymore? 

Have I learned something about death I just am not quite understanding yet? 

Am I asking the right questions here? 

Can anyone relate? 

Is my life just a freak show? 

I'm confused in this. Astonished in the reality that is my life and of those around me. 

I'm still learning. Always will be. 

Everyone dies. 

Live and love.....then lose. 

Loving is risky. 

Why am I so numb?