This was the estimated due date for Stella's arrival in 2010. She shared this EDD with a couple other babies on my DDC. I'm glad they are here to celebrate it. I wish she were here too.
Simple things like this, some mothers forget, when they bring home their
When your left with nothing but memories and unable to make more, you seem to cling to those you had. Because that is all that's left.
I will never get to see her smile for the first time, or crawl, walk, say ma ma. Celebrate birthdays. none of it. Everything I expected and hoped for.
So when days like this approach, it stings. It pulls out that yearning, longing, missing, the edges of the hole in my heart BURN with the desire to see her, to feel her, to have what shouldve been.
It physically hurts.
Emotionally crushes.
I'm not sure what to do with myself today. I have off of work and the house to myself. I may just go digging through her things. Let myself fall apart like I did yesterday. I'm not sure.
I doubt anyone would benefit from my company today. So I will probably just keep to myself again.
I know how everyone is quite "through" with hearing about this and my grief, so I will just take care of that myself. Just time for me and Stella. Its the only time I get to "spend with her".
Falling into my grief.
Letting it just wash over me and consume me for even just a moment or a whole freaking day if I please.
I almost feel ashamed to do this.
Like everyone thinks or feels I just drag this on too far, too long.
I have nothing else.
There is no happy ending to this story.
I have this and this only.
I WANTED her, I WANTED to raise a baby, a toddler, a little girl, a woman.
I wanted her to have her big sister to look up to, I wanted her sister to have HER.
Her brother to have HER. He would make such a fantastic big brother.
I know I seem to always be talking in circles.
I'm not inspirational or happy about Stella's death.
It is still hard for me to deal with the longing. I still miss her. And on days like this the longing tugs a bit harder.
I don't know what else to do.
I miss you Stella. I miss me too. I miss what we all were before you left and took such a HUGE part of my heart and life with you.
#onedayatatime.
#stillpickingupthepieces.
#griefisasneakymeanbitch.
#imissyou.
5 comments:
Hugs. Spend time with your baby girl.
I get it....you aren't dragging it out, you are still grieving your daughter and always will be. I get into those funks too myself, even with having a rainbow. I think you just have to let yourself feel it all. It sucks....but if you are like me, I usually feel better once I get it out. Until the next time....
(((Hugs))) My EDD is today as well. I wish my little guy was here with us today too. We will be grieving our little ones until the day we are no longer on this earth! It is so natural the way you are feeling.
I saw your wish on the Stirrup Queen's blog. If thoughts of kindness from a stranger do anything at all, they are yours. I'm sorry for your loss, and I deeply hope for times of peace for you ahead.
Thinking about you and Stella, Krystal...((hugs))
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