Why I am constantly blogging, crying, diving head into my daughter and her death.
Exercise.
My husband feels this does nothing but hurt me more, to continue the way I do, with all of these projects and video blogs. But in my
I figured it was like working out.
I was doing P90X in the past, and anyone knows, who has done it, KNOWS that it HURTS like H#LL! Just as anyone who has lost a child KNOWS, it HURTS LIKE H#LL!
For days you cant walk up the stairs or down them, lifting objects more then 2#s is impossible. Even getting off the toilet is a task! But as the days go on and you continue to work out, the pain starts to subside and becomes part of your strength.
I feel the more I exercise the fact that I grieve and the more I WORK though it, the stronger I become, & the less it physically HURTS me.
I become the strength though the grief.
Ive done jumping jacks down every ally of this pain, curled every item of clothing that shouldve been hers to my nose and weeped into them, did a million push-ups of anger and angst to the whys and what ifs.
I am moving though it like a sea, swimming towards shore barely a breath in me. I'm working it all out. My way.
Grief is far harder then any intense P90X or Insanity work out, with those you have a CHOICE to do them or not. Losing a child gives you the choice to grieve it out or grieve it in. I'm not much of a pretender, I'm very open and honest in all facets of my life. I CHOOSE to grieve Stella, to honor her, pay her tribute, miss her, mourn her, love her. Yes it is hard, but I love her that much and I will continue to for the rest of my days, despite what anyone else has to say. If they cant love me and accept that she is a forever part of my life and this is how I am dealing with it, they can buzz off.
3 comments:
It baffles me that anyone could conceive to just get over or forget about a lost child. That is YOUR CHILD. Would they tell someone who had a second child "Oh, now that you have that new baby, you can forget about the first one. On to better things!" It just makes no sense.
Work through it however you need to and however you feel is right, that's really the only "right" way to get through grief.
That is such a good analogy. And it really is true.
This post is great! Thank you for writing it...I too feel that I NEED to blog and write and do projects and what not to honor my Lily and work through my grief. She was born sleeping on March 16, 2010, so about 2 and a half years ago...and lots of people think I am not "moving on" properly. Everyone is different and I will NOT apologize for loving my daughter and grieving for her in the only way I know how...she will always be my child and Stella will always be yours! I have been reading your blog a bit (I found it on the still life with circles spoken word blog round-up). I also participated. Stella is truly so beautiful. You keep sharing and doing what you need to heal! Much love and hugs!
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