I, of course, am joining in on the project and will be updating this post daily with my photos. I decided to do this out of numerical order and fill in what I can, when I get the shot.
October is a very difficult month for me to begin with, since it is Stella's birthday month. And how fitting that the 28th is "memory" which she has unfortunately become. Not the growing giggling girl I wanted so badly. These last 2 years have undoubtedly been the worst I have endured and I pray daily that this life doesnt get meaner than it already has been to me. I could use a little sunshine after this storm. Please feel free to join in on this healing project. & Thanks again Carley for producing this experience!
Enjoy~
1. Sunrise
I had to Include 2 picture for this today. One of the moon since I am quite partial to it, and one of the sun. The moon was in the back yard and the sun in the front. It was hard to capture with out catching glimpse of the homes that line the cul de sac in the front, but I think I may have succeeded with only the tip of a roof in the pic.
2. Before Loss self portrait
I decided to catch up on the proper # for the day so I am also including my BEFORE loss self portrait. When I look at pictures of me before Stella died, I see ME, I see happy JOY. Since she died, that is all clearly gone. This picture was taken by a friend as a part of my maternity photos, so I was about 35 weeks pregnant with Stella in this picture.
So really this is the only picture that includes me and all 3 of my children.
3. After Loss self portrait
After numerous attempts at taking a photo of myself I finally came out with this one. I have been extremely impartial to any photo of myself since Stella died. mostly because I can see the pain and grief in my eyes. My face seems tense and I can never really relax or look as if I am at peace. That is a hard thing to deal with, but just as this scar that permanently vandalizes my abdomen, its something I have to live with forever.
4. Treasured Items
#4 Your Treasured Items~ I chose my belly pics for this, and the ultrasound videos I have of Stella's life. There were many items that loved ones gave to me in honor of my daughters life that I love and appreciate, but if it wasnt for HER LIFE (or death) I wouldnt have any of that, so what I treasure most is what I have left of what was her life. There are times when I feel I would give it all back, so that I wouldnt have become this broken person. As hard as that is to admit, its true sometimes. But the most treasured items I have are the photos I took. I captured one every single week of her life inside me.
Here is the video I made in honor of my little girls life, as short and sweet as it was. <3 5. Memorial
I have done so many things to honor Stella's life and death. I feel the video I posted yesterday might be worthy of this day as well..... I planted a tree but it died. I had a garden, but it isn't very impressive and my husband refuses to let me put a bunch of "junk" (as he calls it) in the garden, so that's a lost cause. We only have an urn so there is no "resting place" besides on my dresser. I suppose I could take a picture of that..... This is he earth side resting place. Her silver moon upon my dresser, her picture and her star candle.
6. What not to say
I'm sure every BLM and dad can attest to at least a hundred comments made by every.singe.person. they know that was just out of line and rude. I know a lot of people may mean well, but some of the stuff that comes out of peoples mouths to a baby loss parent can be just obscene. I have had some REALLY mean things said to me by the people whom I love and trust the most and it honestly KILLED me. Broke my heart, or the little pieces of what was already broken I guess.
Some of these absurdity's included:
Get over it.
A least you have other children.
She wasn't a "real baby"
You hide behind your grief.
You are failing your other children.
I don't like you "like this"
When is this going to end?
I'm sick of you "like this"
Really? Again? Your still not over this?
Your young enough to have another, just have another baby (little do they know I cant, or have been denied that)
Did you see it? (as in see my daughter, yeah, they called her an IT)
I honestly could go on forever with this crap, but its making me depressed even thinking off this crap people I LOVE said to me in my grief over my DAUGHTERS DEATH.
People are just ass holes. period.
I would rather work on tomorrows subject.........
7. What to say
Yesterdays subject is a little touchy with me, having heard all of which was written, my grief has been a hard one. No matter which way you slice it, losing a child is by far
Here is a list I compiled to make it just a little easier to chose wisely.
Love from others can go a LONG LONG way when your feeling like the world turned its back on you.
8. Jewellery
There have been many wonderful pieces of jewelery given to me in honor of Stella. I love and appreciate each and every piece, but I couldn't high light every one of them. The piece I decided to show for this specific subject is Stella's star. I received this at Stella's funeral and it is filled with some of her ashes. Its my way I can "wear her" or have her with me whenever I feel the need. I wear this when we have family outings or gatherings as a way to include her while still being inconspicuous about it.
9. Special Place
I chose to share Stella's nursery for this subject. I put A LOT of time and love into making her place a very special one. I bought every single item and even put together her crib by myself (with a little help from Elijah). I cant tell you how in love with this space I was and how excited I was to utelize it and raise a beautiful little girl here. After Stella died, I had such a difficult time coming into this room. Eli shared this space, so I had to, daily. I would keep my head down and away from all of her beautiful perfectly placed on that side of the room. About 6 months out I just went in and tore it all down, placed it all in rubbermaid bins and shoved it into Brianas closet. That is where it all is today. Im not sure when ill ever muster up the strength to look at it all or let alone get rid of all of this beauty. Someone once told me to donate it to the "less fourtionate" But all I could think of is "If they got to bring thier baby HOME, then they are already more fortunate then me."
STAR
Stella's symbol has always been a star. Seeing as Stella means STAR in Itallian. She is my little star in heaven guiding me through these dark days and nights awaiting for me up above this fallen world.
11. Supportive Friends/ Family
There has been so many people who have shown their support beyond belief. I thank every single one of them for the grace, prayers, gifts, hugs, kind words, tears and more. THANK YOU! A special shout out to my mommas at Diaperswappers Due Date Club too. I cant thank these women enough. We all were due in November and grew really close over the 9 months of pregnancy. But it didn't end there. We stayed in tough for long after and they all were so supportive of my grief, sending gifts and even all took hand in a "So close, so far away" shall. What they have all done just touches my heart. I unfortunately had to leave our FB group after awhile. The grief of seeing every baby growing where mine never would just hurt too badly. I love and miss them all beyond words, but I couldn't face the hard grief of that daily. Maybe I'm selfish for having to leave the friendships I loved between them, but this grief is hard enough in my daily life, I felt like I was torturing myself. Here is a pic of the shall they all took a hand in making, passing it though the mail across the country and knitting rows before sending it to me. I love it. <3
I also want to give a shout out to my sisters. These women have been my ROCK, in my corner through thick and thin though out my life. I cant tell you what I would do with out them. We have all been through some really tough shit in life and have always been able to find solace in each others arms and company. They took charge after Stella's death and made sure my home was clean, fridge was stalked, the baby gear out of my bedroom, tissue boxes around my house, my older children were cared for and SO MUCH more! Everyday when my grief calls, they are there for me. I'm balling my eyes out writing this, the appreciation for my sisters cant even be shared in words. I feel whatever I write just would never be enough to express my gratitude for them. I love you all so much! Thanks for always being there for me.
12. Scents
There are a few scents that bring me back to specific times and places I got to share with Stella. The # one that I smell on various occasions is the antibacterial hand lotions they spread all over Stella at the hospital. I'm pretty sure it was Purell. It breaks my heart when I smell it.
Another scent that reminds me of her is sage. Just about very morning Eli and I would do our daily yoga and meditation, then burned some sage while we prayed. The day before Stella was born and died, I did not do this daily ritual. It bothers me to this day.
The final scent is something called "Monkey Farts"
I
This is only a portion of the wool I made for her. </3
13. Signs
Every now and then I find hearts in the strangest of places. Sometimes its in the clouds, in oil spots on the ground or cracked pavement, you name it, Ill find a heart in it someplace and they all remind me of my sweet Stella. A tug on the heart as if she was hugging me.
On my way to the bus stop with Eli we found this heart on the porch. Its very fitting with the hole in it and the rust rimming the edges. As my grief as left me with a hole in my heart and I've become weathered and rusty from the heavy rains. But alas, I'm still alive, and have somehow held my shape, my love.
14. Community
One year ago today was the 15th of October, Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness day, and I held A Walk To Remember just up the road from my home. The response from the community to this event was outstanding and really touched my heart. I had friends and family from all around supporting this event by donations, walking, volunteering and more. We held a balloon release and walked 5miles to a park in the town over where we had a picnic and raffle. We raised about 800$ that went to foundations such as Molly Bears, Sweet Pea Project, Holden Uganda and The Star Legacy Foundation. The day was beautiful, warm, sunny and VERY windy. We had a turn out of about 70 people. As we walked we wrote the names of children whose lives were cut far too short in chalk along the path. I believe I had just over 100 of them. That is over 200 broken hearts and just a fraction of the lives affected by pregnancy and infant loss everyday. Tomorrow is again pregnancy and infant loss awareness day and the WAVE of light will be held across the country at 7pm to honor all the children lost and the broken hearts in mend. Here are a few pictures of the Walk To Remember from last year.
Elijah writing his sister a note on the balloon he sent to her in Heaven
Briana sending her sister a letter on her balloon
My sisters showing their support
Balloon release just before the walk
15. Wave of Light
I worked last night, so durring the Wave Of Light I lit a little candle at work that I wrote Stella's name on. I also handed out a few awareness pins and the waitress all wore them.
This morning when I opend up my FaceBook I was blown away at the ammount of people who lit a canlde or many for the babies gone too soon and the families hearts who miss them. I was in tears scrolling down pages and pages of candles, some lit especially for Stella. It brings years to my eyes just thinking about it. Here is Stella's candle at my work.
Here is a few more that friends on FB posted <3
16. Release
We have done a few releases for Stella and other babies who passed in the last 2 years. One large balloon release we had was at the Walk To Remember I held last October 15th. Its was beautiful. Pink and blue balloons drifting and floating up towards heaven with names and letters to children us all below were missing. Durring the release I played the song Glory Baby. It was definetly a tear jerker.
Here are some pics of other families and friends who released balloons for Stella
17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Date
Coming up on the 28th of this month, marks Stella's 2nd birthday in heaven. Im really not sure what I will do this year or if it will be anything like last year. Maybe I will just make a little cake and share it with my children and release a couple lanterns. Last year I had all my sisters over, my mother and 2 of my best of friends. They are all so loving and generous to bring over gifts or remembrance to Stella and a little star cake. We lit and released some lanterns and just enjoyed each others company. It was nice, well as nice as it can be to "celebrate" the life and death of your youngest child.
Here is a video of Stella's 1st birthday.
18. Family Portrait
I wouldve loved to get a shot of the family with us holding a picture of Stella in a nice big frame, but that is something that has yet to happen, hopefully someday. We messed around with my Brother in law ans Sister in law in the back yard and snapped a few shots of the family. I photoshopped a picture of Stella into one (a really chinsy attempt at photoshopping honestly) right where I felt Stella would be if she where here.
Family photos are a hard one after losing a child. There is always an obvious void, a hole, someone missing in the picture. It pulls at my heart and the edges of that hole in my heart burn with the grief of loss and the desire to have her back with me. i know that feeling with always be with me, that void in my heart. As the days roll by, you learn HOW to live with it, or with out her.
19. Project
Ive done quite a few projects in the last two years to help with my grief. Everything from paintings, gardens, shadow boxes, the Walk to Remember, packages up to the hospital and more. The one project I did that was not only helpful to me but touched so many other families was the names in the snow. I did this for Christmas and Valentines Day. We had a very large amount of snow hit Wisconsin that year and it covered the ground from November through March. A good friend of mine helped me with these projects both times and I am grateful for that, as well as the parents who got to see their child loved from so many other people. I made a little video on the names, all of these parents I have met in online support groups and many of them I had a chance to hear their stories and see pictures of their baby's. They are all so very loved and missed. This is the Valentines Day video from 2011.
20. Charity/Organization
There are MANY charitys and orginizations that have been so very helpful to me in this grief. Women who too thier grief and made it into something that was helpful to others. Holden Uganda built a well in Uganda in honor of Stella. Stephanie Cole from the Sweet Pea Project sent me a book she wrote just after I lost Stella and through reading her words and grief, helped me cope in some of the hardest raw grief in the beginning & Molly Bears sent me a bear weighing in at 7lbs 1oz, the exact weight of Stella's body at birth. These are just a few of the charities and orginizations that have been a huge help durring my healing.
I wish I could say Ive done something more with my grief. More then a deep dark negitive blog filled with my pain, or 1 Walk to Remember raising money for these said charitys. Once a year on Stella's birthday I go up to the hospital where she died and leave a package for mothers to come on this path, filled with information on how to reach and find others enduring this pain. I have done the names in the snow too..... It just never seems like enough though. Nothing will fill this void of her missing..... Here are a few pictures of these charitys.
Holden Ugandas well for Stella
Stella Bear
Still By: Stephanie Cole
21. Alter/Shrine/Special Place
After Stella died I quickly grew a collection of these willow tree sculptures, which I love. I keep them all on a shelf in my kitchen along with a picture of Stella next to a family picture. I also have a few roses from her service/funeral and a couple little collectables that remind me or the older children of her.
22. Place of Care/Birth
This subject is a really sensitive one to me and wont be a very positive post. Since we have no clue what happened to Stella, as he death being a "medical mystery" leaves me wondering what IF about EVERYTHING. Was it something the MW did and that's why she ditched out? Was it something the Dr's did at the hospital and that's why they my husband not to even consider an autopsy? I really dislike Dr's and that was the reason I wanted a MW and a home birth. We have spent SO much money in the "wealth care" system and they have not done one thing to help us, ever. I hope I wont have to have any other kind of emergency situation that I would even need a Dr. I'm out of the childbearing game :*( and any other situation I pray I wont have to deal with if it includes a Dr. of any kind. Our midwife left us with an even sourer taste in our mouths. She completely ditched out on us 100%. I tried calling her the morning of the 28th when Stella wasn't moving, she never answered her phone. I seen her the day before and she did not do a thorough exam, she actually had her apprentice do it even AFTER I voiced my concern for Stella, she was slowing her movements that day. She brushed it off and that was her first mistake, but not nearly her last. I called the Dr. that I was also seeing during Stella's pregnancy and she had me come into the hospital. I wonder if I hadn't waited for over 35mins in the waiting room, if Stella would've lived. Every little thing that occurred couldve been changed, and Stella couldve lived. I am so angry at everything about all of this. No one did their job and I have to suffer because of it. Here are the pictures of the people involved in this mess.
My OB, who was comforting in this mess. I'm sure she did everything she couldve to help. I wonder about the anesthesiologist though.....
And the Midwife that bailed out on us in our strongest time of need. I do NOT recommend ANYONE have a home birth with this woman,
23. Their Name/ Photo
Thanks to Kim Trongeau Youra, who is just absoutly wonderful enough to work with NILMDTS, came and took some of the most beautiful pictures of my darling girl. I wish it was more of a newborn session then a......well "last shoot" or "only shoot", but you take what you can and treasure it more then anyone would ever know. ♥
24. Siblings
Here is a picture of my 2 oldest loves. The reason for my being, my breathing, my llife. 1/3 of that meaning my be heaven side, but Earth sides so much harder and these littles need me, that alone gives me purpose. Their lives have been so deeply impacted by the loss of their sister. Briana lost the one thing she wanted SO bad, a little sister. She knew when I was pregnant that she would get her little sister, I on the other hand thought BOY. Little did we know we would not get either here on Earth. Elijah talks about Stella all the time. He wouldve been such a great big brother, protecting her and teaching her. I wish I wass able to give them what they both so deeply want and deserve.
25. Baby Shower/ Blessing~
I never had a baby shower and the only "blessing" Stella recieved was after she died in the hospital by the pastor that married my husband and I. A few people bought things or made things for Stella, but mostly it was me who bought and prepped everything for her. As I shared in another post, "Stella's Stash" of diapers was one of the most coveted groups of items that I wanted so badly to use with her. I put A LOT of time and effort into making it just perfect, like her nursery, in vain I suppose. Now it sits in various rubbermaid tubs stuffed deep in the closet with a fate of never being used. sigh.....
I just found this video of Briana sharing the nursery while Matt and I were putting together Stella's slideshow for her funeral.
26. Their Age
I was 37 weeks 4 days pregnant the day I went to the hospital because Stella was not responding to my pokes and prodes at my belly. October 28th 2010, is a day that will be seared into my memory and grief for my remaining days here on Earth. I arrived at the hospital at about 9:45am and after 45mins in the waiting room and 30mins hooked up to a NST, the Dr decieded to take us back to L&D because Stella's heart...
rate was bouncing around and unstable. I was hooked up for a C-section and when Stella's heart rate dropped yet again they rushed me back for an Emergency C-section. Hours later I awoke to numerous people in my hospital room crying. Barley able to open my eyes or speak I was informed that Stella didnt make it though the C-section. My world was shattered. She arrived at 11:27am weighing 7lbs 1 oz and measuring 19" long.
There are a few pieces I created after Stella died, I used art for a little while to communicate my grief. After so long I just couldn't continue and my creative juices came to a complete halt. I found this picture on the Internet and it just spoke to me. It revealed how I felt. How i would love to be able to just climb on up to heaven and bring my star home to me.
Another piece I worked on (thanks to my friend who's idea this was and her help) is a shadow box. We took the flowers I had pressed from Stella's funeral and glued them down with a piece of paper that has a poem on it. this hangs in my bedroom to this day.
28. Memory
This is Stella's Birthday. October 28th... She should be 2 years old today. I am doing this early because Im not sure the shape I will be in come that day. I have a busy weekend and am going to try to stay off the computer for these few days. For today I picked a video I took while I was pregnant, this is of her Ultra Sound at 24weeks gestation. I want my memories to be of her life and not just of this grief. Although this grief has lived longer then she did and will continue to age, while she doesnt.
Pt 1.
I wanted to add a video I took of Stella in my belly kicking and wiggling around. She was a really active baby and I LOVED just laying there while she wiggled and kicked. I took a few videos of these occurences. She had quite the video and and picture collection before she was born. I never expected them to be the only ones I would get.
Happy Birthday in Heaven Stella <3
29. Music
Music has been a HUGE part of my life since I can remember. Its been my comfort through some of the hardest moments in life and the joy durring most of my happiest. There are songs that apply to just about everything in my life. If you look back in my blog I have many songs of the day that have been a huge part of my expression and helped in healing.
When I seen this quote, I had to share.
There are A LOT of songs that remind me of Stella or that have been there to explain my grief. A few of the ones I love the most are not on You Tube so I cant use them. ( Bird on the Wing from The Big Wu and Moon from Rusted Root.) So I thought I would share one of the songs we played at Stella's funeral. It definetly explains many of the feelings in my grief.
For Another Day,
By Nikki Yenofski
30. Your Grief~Tell the world
For today I am going to use a video I made for the spoken blog round up that Angie over at Still Life With Circles hosts every year.
I read a post I wrote back in May of this year, called "Stella's Stash", when I was planning on selling off Stella's diapers. Well I THOUGHT I was able to.... But that idea crashed a burned. Some things you just cant part with. Maybe someday :*(
Speaking and vocalizing my grief has been real healing for me. Not too many people want to read it let alone hear it but it was helpful to me. Doing this project the last 2 years may have been emotional, but its like working out, you will hurt afterwards but will become stronger the more you do it.
I have to acknowledge my daughter and I WANT to. She has made the biggest impact on my life, more than anyone else ever has and will ever I am sure. Just as all children do for thier mother.
Her life and death shook me to the deepest core in my body, my faith, family, life, love, every emotion imaginable was shattered and I have been picking up those pieces for the last 2 years trying to figure out just where to place them again. I may not be "all better" and I'm sure it will be a while still before I am feeling anywhere near "normal" if ever again really, but I am slowly making progress, at MY own time.
I appreciate all the people who have been there for me, through the thick, thin, hard, ugly, angry, sad emotional times and didn't judge me or criticize me for my grief. I was hard enough on myself and still am, I didn't need anyone else to tell me what I was doing wrong or how I was hurting THEM because of my pain.
I am standing. I am breathing, working, smiling, loving, living.
It may not be as deep and purposeful as I once shined in my life, but I'm working on that. I had to start at the bottom, a crumbled tower that fell like cards in a wind storm, sopped and wet from the rain.
I'm trying.
It isn't an easy road, especially when losing a child at birth is one of the most personal defeats for a mother. I didn't do my job, I failed. And no one can tell me differently because that is how it FELT, how it FEELS. And ANY mother who has been though a stillbirth will tell you that is true.
On top of that, I will never have the chance to "redeem" myself and that has also been hard as HELL to "accept". I wasn't "trusted" to do so and had that chance taken away. That honestly brought upon a WHOLE new set of grief to sort though and I am still in that mess to this day. Its hard to give up on something you want and love and at this point, I'm not sure if I am strong enough. I needed that hope and now I have to grieve with out it.
31. Sunset
The last sunset of October & into the third year of missing you.
3 comments:
Beautiful photo. x
Thank you for sharing with us. I've been following your story from DS and you and Stella are always in my prayers. ((hugs))
Thank you for sharing this beautiful and honest tribute to your daughter and your grief. We continue to love and support you across the miles.
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