Everyday that comes and goes puts me farther away from her. Farther away from her inside me, her life, her death & all the dreams of her. For the last 20 months I was in a shell. Shattered and piercing my heart. It was the shell of my dreams of her, her life, her death. Outside of that I felt was nothing else. Nothing else I wanted more and I refused to move. Everyone around me pulled me and pushed me to get out of that shell. To move on. I have moved, inch by inch. To where the world has me now. Days from being 20 months away from her. I am growing farther every moment and honestly I hate it. I feel like I am forgetting her. I'm leaving her behind. What else can you do? When I study pictures of my little girl I'm angry. I HATE what her "fate" was, what happened, how I have NO CLUE how or why. I hate it all. I hate that my life doesn't consist of a "rainbow" and how I know it isn't going to happen. Every month becomes a mockery of how life teases me, taunts me and beats me down on this entire "issue".
I want nothing more (that what I wanted) to RUN THE FUCK AWAY from all of this. To forget it all. The pain, the hard work left to nothing but heart ache.
I feel like I cant even think of her anymore with out anger and sadness consuming me. Writing here leaves me in shambles too.
I'm not sure if I will ever come to a point where all of this will ever feel "OK".
At this point I KNOW it wont. There really is NOTHING that is "OK" about any of this.
I want to curl into a ball and scream at the heavens how fucking mean this is.
To be left in a life that is not fixable. Its a permanent scar across my abdomen and heart that will never heal. It will always leave me hurt and angry.
So what now?
I go farther. I am going away from her. I don't know what else to do.
I just take my moments in solace to crumble and fall apart. To cry and mourn her. The only way Ive ever been able to parent my third child. That is all I get now. I want my little girl. Curls bouncing, talking, giggling. But all I am only allowed to have is tears and heart ache.
This life is mean. This path is cruel. No matter how far I get, I never get off of it.
Im left in the rain with no shelter, no passing storm, no rainbow.
ten years
5 years ago
11 comments:
"I'm not sure if I will ever come to a point where all of this will ever feel "OK".
At this point I KNOW it wont. There really is NOTHING that is "OK" about any of this"
enough already. its very depressing to hear you write like this. where is the light? all i see is darkness, gotta keep faith & hope with you, ALWAYS. if you don't believe, then what do you have in life?
An unsupportive husband apparently, who feels I should be over our daughters death in his time. Thanks a lot. You make me feel like a freak for grieving and having 1 bad day every 25 days or so. Instead of a hug I get shunned and put down, rideculed. Fan-freaking-tastic.
Thanks for being patient with me and accepting this is the place I purge my grief. Cause I cant come to you, or anyone else for that matter. Rejection on this is so deeply hurtful I cant even begin to tell you.
i don't think you see what you're putting everyone else through when you get like this. reading your blog makes me want to die. so dark and miserable. how can you live life like this? horrible things happen in life, how we overcome these challenges is what makes us who we are. we gotta pull through this together. it is time.
Must be nice to hide behind anonymous comments. Just by your tone I'm going to assume you've never lost a child, never felt that gaping, black pit in your body when you have empty arms where there is supposed to be a living, breathing child. It must be really nice to live in a place where people shit rainbows around you all the time. How dare you even think you have the right to tell someone when and how to grieve their lost child? How selfish of you to think she should have to stop grieving so she doesn't put you out. Seriously, you have some massive balls, maybe get off your high horse and see how YOUR actions are affecting her.
Krystal - I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on a daily basis, I wish this hadn't happened to you, to anyone.
this is a personal family issue that we are going through. krystal knows who i am. i know what it's like to lose a child. it happened right before my eyes. 20 minutes of hell. being angry and pissed off DOES NOT HELP. gotta think rationally and start setting some realistic goals to get THROUGH the healing process. Have Faith that this WILL get better
7 stages of grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
" Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result."
THIS is the ONE place i can out all this grief. I dont LIVE like this on a daily basis. ITS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM IF YOU SEE ME JUST AS MY BLOG. YOUR PROBLEM. I have every right to say whatever the hell i want here. dont read if you have a problem with what i get out here. this is where i process the hard grief. this is FOR ME NOT YOU. Get over your "stages of grief" bullshit. and what YOU think this should be. this is how i feel about what happened to stella. not how I feel about everything else in my life. Makes me SICK that you think only this of me and cant let me go thought this with support. you just treat me like some kind of statistic. Im sick of that shit. Support me or fuck off.
AND if you look at this "model of grief" Im just fine where i am only 20 months out. I think its YOU making the problems and causing permenant damage to this relationship.
Matt, you cant set a timeline for Krystals grief.
Either you accept where she is in HER grief (not downgrading yours.. but the grief she feels is hers.. she gets to feel what she feels, rage when she is pissed and cry when she is sad and NOBODY gets to set a timeline and tell her she is doing it wrong.
The job of you, me, the rest of her family, is to support, LOVE, accept, BE PATIENT and most of all SUPPORT her becuase we LOVE her unconditionally and that will never change... if you cant do that for her you are not of positive service.
PLEASE DO NOT put a timeline on her grief. DO NOT make her feel like she is doing somthing wrong. SHE IS NOT.
Krystal, I love you. Everyday, no matter what. The dark, the light, the good, the bad and the ugly.
You just keep on keeping on sis.
It is NOT fair that Bean is not here with us and it will never be fair. 25 fucking years from now, on the day that should be her 25th birthday.. I will cry with you, break glass with you and hug you and support you.
I love you.
~Katie
(Just easier to post as anonymous..)
For crying out LOUD!! It has not even been 2 years!! Damn! Why the rush to "get over it!?" I am not ever going to be over it and I am just her aunt, not her mother!
Damn!.. this makes me mad!!
Katie.. again.
Post a Comment