20

20 months seems so far away from her. Yet she always finds a way to let me know she is present, somehow, somewhere. I took my son up to the library yesterday and as I was walking through the kids isle looking for yet another Ninjago book for E, this book pretty much jumped off the shelf at me. Go figure.

I used to be able to take "signs" and feel they were or are for a purpose. I have such a hard time believing in anything now days. Its sad. I cant even believe in myself like I used to. I used to feel there was magic and signs that were there to guide us though this life. Now, more times then less,  I feel they're all around to make me feel worse, or misguide me. Give me a sense of false hope and do nothing but let me down and remind me of sadness. I can feel myself closing up like the shell Ive been left in. Closing out everything magical I felt once was in this world and this world is becoming nothing more then a perpetual hell. I would, in my heart felt maybe this would be a sign that someday I may have the chance at a "rainbow". But I know it wont happen and Ive given up already. So that makes me even sadder.
I really am beginning to think forgetting this all and closing out everything involved is probably easier then seeing, feeling, and letting it all in. Empty. That is where I'm headed.
How can I find myself again? How can I trust myself again?  Should I even?
I suppose "time" is the only answer. Maybe so maybe not. ugh.......................
My brian is killing my heart.

I read a quote today that went like this and couldnt be more true.

 "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." ~Stephanie Cole