Cant Shake the Anger

I have days where I cant even look at pictures of babies, kids or any little girl for that matter with out feeling so angry that Stella died. I don't know if that will ever shake out of me. I am so pissed off I don't know WHY or HOW this happened. I don't understand why God would do this!? I am so furious sometimes. I miss her so much. I was so close, she was perfect. WTF HAPPENED?!?! I just don't get it. Its not that I'm mad at anyone in my life, family or friends. I am mad at me, I get mad at God too. Mostly at myself for failing her. My body failed her, I failed her. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive my self either.

If I could only shake it out.
Stella's death haunts me and my hatred for myself kills me.
I lost. I failed. Even some people in my life don't forgive me and that also kills me.
I will not be forgiven or given another chance and that also kills me.

Some days I can get by with out it consuming me. But I would be a liar to say it isn't there. It is and it will be, most likely forever. I have a hard time lying, about anything. I feel like I am living a false life now, hiding all of these feelings for the comfort of others around me.  I guess I just needed to get that out this morning so maybe I can carry on with my day in a normal fashion.