Building from the ashes of a "once upon" life

Today I had an interview with an old friend from high school who is now a newspaper editor and writer. She wanted to do an article on the Walk To Remember I am holding in October in honor of children who have died through M/C, Stillbirth and Infant Death. We sat in a nearby coffee shop and talked about the Whens, Wheres and Whys of this endeavor over a couple of lattes. I got to really talk about everything I have wanted to for a long time to someone who genuinely WANTED to hear and ASKED questions. To me this was a very therapeutic experience. Something I have been wanting to do and the way it was done helped even more. I got to get my message across and see it myself through someone elses eyes. I am excited to read the article when she has it all set and printed!
A few points I got across, not only to her but even to myself, was why I am doing things like the walk to remember and the times I did the names in the snow. I do this to 1. Help other families enduring this and 2. To help my self heal and make something, of what to me, was the ashes of a life I once had.
 I am building a new life from these ashes and though this new life I am touching others in a way only someone enduring this can. Just as all those mothers before me have in helping ME!
Sometimes its hard to be grateful for all of this God has handed me. I still am hurting and would trade it all for my daughter bounding around the house in all her beautiful fluffy cloth diapers and learning how to walk. God I REALLY would. But that is NOT a choice I have. So I really need to concentrate on what I CAN do. I can help others. I can have beneficial walks to remember to bring others closer in a community, to help people enduring this find people who can help them, to show them ways to help themselves and others.
 For years families have suffered in silence over these kind of deeply devastating losses. To me that is just heart breaking. Reaching out it one of the best ways to stat the healing process, or for me it was anyways. For women and men to know they're not alone. The feelings of grief are so real and your not "crazy" even though you may feel like it, and often honestly. I know this inspirational feeling i have may not be there tomorrow, i may be back in a dark hole, who knows. But I am getting there one step at a time. Holding this walk to remember is just another step in this healing process, a step I would love for so many others to join me in taking.
If you have not head about the Walk To Remember please visit the link and help if you can.
If you are in the area please consider attending.
BLOG:
http://walktoremembersewi.blogspot.com/
On FaceBook
https://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=218767051482878

Something New

So if you haven't noticed, I have a new lay out for the blog! Thanks to Francesca at Small Bird Studios! My sister signed me up in a drawing for a profile face lift and I received her services and it is absolutely beautiful. Thanks again Francesca! Something I have been searching for since Stella's death is something "fresh". I was consumed in the dream I had of Stella and the fresh out look babies bring to your life. That dream kinda crashed and burned so I feel I have been in an unending search for that "something fresh" an inspiration and positive new beginning for this life of mine. Like the need to re-arrange furniture or put that new coat of paint on the walls, or new carpeting. SOMETHING! This I suppose is some kind of start.
Something new, fresh. I was (and still am teetering on the idea) going to stop blogging all together. It has personally for me felt as a blessing to be able to vent my deepest of emotions loosing a child brings to me, but it has caused unnecessary stress to creep through. Stress that I just cant live with topped amongst grief. So I am not sure how long I will be continuing blogging or what not. But the fresh look is kinda nice. (((shrugg)))
Maybe sometime in the near future I will be able to blog about something new and fresh and not just have the "look" of.

  
Hope you like the new look.

~Krystal

10

i feel so far away
so sad, so lost.

nothing can change that, i just have to accept it and "get over it all" while life slaps me in the face continually.

just "deal with it"

I hate this all.

I just want you back Stella. I dont want to do this anymore, just come back......

babies shouldnt die.

8/27/11

I haven't had much to say lately, honestly I would like to say a few things but feel like i just cant here anymore with out feeling judged or feel like i might hurt someone elses feelings with the feelings i have. Maybe someday I will be able to feel like less of a victim and learn to accept life as it comes at me. As much as it honestly feels as though i have been cursed most of the time there is apparently nothing i can do about it but shrug. I will just have to cry in private and vent and discus the deep feelings with the Baby Loss Groups i am on. Hope everyone has been in their own little peaceful places. God Bless.

May your glass be filled

Song of the day

Songwriters: John Bell; John Robert Hermann; George Mcconnell; Todd Nance; Domingo Ortiz; David Schools

May your family share laughter
Your songs always play
May your wishes come true
Even those left unprayed

Hand on my shoulder
Gentle cloud on the hill
May your heart's doors be open
Forever and ever, may your glass, it be filled

Like a wheel to the river
A mother's moon and songs
Dreams against the wind
Ohh, and lifetimes undone

Over and over
And over again
I was made stronger
Forever and ever, knowing you as my friend

On the streams of tomorrow
Blessed days out swim sorrows
As we float on reawaken dreams

On the streams of tomorrow
Blessed days out swim sorrows
As we float on reawaken dreams

May your family share laughter
Your songs always play
May your wishes come true
Even those left unprayed

Hand on my shoulder
Gentle cloud on the hill
May your heart's doors be open
Forever and ever, may your glass be it filled

A little note off a grief web page...

Some Thoughts From Grieving Parents

• Bereaved parents face a devastating and difficult journey; expressing grief is the normal response to such a loss; unexpressed grief can be devastating and debilitating.
  
  
• An intense parental attachment has been formed between parent and child no matter how young the child is at the time of death. Others need to try and understand the intensity of this attachment, the depth of the parents' grief, and the magnitude of their sorrow.
  
  
• Grief is exhausting and demanding work. Grief is also a process, not a single timed event. Bereaved parents appear to exhibit different reactions at varying points in their grief and to grieve differently even when they belong to the same family.
  
  
• There are no easy ways to deal with grief, there is no one correct way to grieve, and no set time frame for grieving parents.
  
  
• Caregivers need to know there are no exact or right words or expressions when comforting grieving parents. Neither should caregivers try to take away the parents' grief. Most of all, they should try to speak from the heart and show their care and concern. Sometimes it may seem that they say the wrong thing. The caregiver should try again, using different words, or admit confusion about what to say. The pain must be walked through by the bereaved parent and also by those who seek to help them.

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There is a need to talk, without trying to give reasons. No reason is going to be acceptable when you hurt so much. A hug, the touch of a hand, expressions of concern, a willing listener were and still are the things that have helped the most...The people who [were] the greatest help... [were] not judgmental. It's most helpful when people understand that [what is needed] is to talk about it and that this is part of the grief process. - DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 158, 163

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• Bereaved parents need to find ways to keep the memories alive and also find ways to create memories. Memories are all they have left from the child who died. Bereaved parents often need to establish unique rituals to memorialize the child and in some cases, others may find this process puzzling.
  
  
• Grieving parents need to be allowed to set the tone and direct others about how to help them in their grief. Parents need validation as they attempt the process of healing.
  
  
• Friends and caregivers should try to help grieving parents express their grief. They should try to be a safe place for them-a place where they can be themselves, where they can be confused, where they can express their pain, sadness, and even anger. Those who care should grieve and mourn with the parents; they must also be willing to listen.
  
  
• In most cases, bereaved parents don't want to be avoided, but they may be hesitant to let others know they are needed. Usually, they are most grateful for the kind expressions and gestures of love and support.
  
  
• Bereaved parents need to know that the support of family, friends, and others will continue after the commotion and busy days immediately following the death and funeral. Their grief continues forever. One bereaved father said, "the period following the funeral is perhaps the most difficult time for the bereaved...[This is the time that parents must] absorb the magnitude of their loss and begin to integrate it into the rest of their lives" (Bramblett 1991, 39). Bereaved parents need to have extended remembrances of their child for a long while after the event, especially on anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, or special events, such as Mother's Day or Father's Day.
  
  
• Bereaved parents need to know that their child will be remembered, not just by them but also by family and friends. They need to have the child acknowledged and referred to by name. They want that child's life to matter. They do not want to forget and they don't want others to forget. One bereaved parent said, "The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it also brings music to my ears" (Anonymous).

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Grieving keeps memories alive for bereaved parents and retains a place in their families and in their hearts for the dead child...[it is] a continuous process with peaks, valleys, and plateaus; it is a complex process that varies with each individual. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, 1994, 28

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When Trying To Comfort Grieving Parents

DO:

• Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing love and support; try to provide comfort.
  
  
• Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementoes the family may have.
  
  
• Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.
  
  
• Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.
  
  
• Remember anniversaries and special days.
  
  
• Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and sensitive gestures of concern.
  
  
• Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating the mother or father to something special.
  
  
• Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.

DO NOT:

• Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child by name.
  
  
• Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate behavior.
  
  
• Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.
  
  
• Tell them you know just how they feel.
  
  
• Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.

How Grieving Parents Attempt To Cope With The Loss And Move On

Bereaved fathers and mothers try to cope with their grief by:

• Admitting to themselves and others that their grief is overwhelming, unpredictable, painful, draining, and exhausting-that their grief should not be diminished or ignored.
  
  
• Allowing themselves to be angry and acknowledging that they are vulnerable, helpless, and feeling disoriented.
  
  
• Trying to understand that to grieve is to heal and that integrating grief into their lives is a necessity.
  
  
• Acknowledging the need and desire to talk about the child who died as well as the moments and events that will be missed and never experienced with the child.
  
  
• Maintaining a belief in the significance of their child's life, no matter how short.
  
  
• Creating memorial services and other rituals as ways to commemorate the child's life.
  
  
• Deriving support from religious beliefs, a sense of spirituality, or a personal faith.
  
  
• Expressing feelings in journals, poetry, prayers, or other reflective writings or in art, music, or other creative activities.
  
  
• Trying to be patient and forgiving with themselves and others and refraining from making hasty decisions.

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When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal. - WISCONSIN PERSPECTIVES NEWSLETTER, SPRING 1989, 3

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• Counting on, confiding in, and trusting those who care, listen, and hear, those who will walk with them, and not be critical of them, those who will try to understand their emotional and physical limitations.
  
  
• Increasing their physical activity and maintaining a healthful diet.
  
  
• Volunteering their services to organizations concerned with support for bereaved parents.
  
  
• Obtaining help from traditional support systems, such as family, friends, professionals or church groups, undergoing professional counseling, joining a parent support group, or acquiring information on the type of death that occurred as well as about their own grief.**
  
  
• Reassuring themselves and others that they were and still are loving parents.
  
  
• Letting go of fear and guilt when the time seems right and the grief seems less.
  
  
• Accepting that they are allowed to feel pleasure and continue their lives, knowing their love for their child transcends death.

** Grief support groups are often available through area hospitals, churches, or local chapters of national organizations, such as State SIDS or SIDS Alliance programs or through support organizations, such as SHARE, Resolve Thru Sharing, Compassionate Friends, and others.

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When children die, the bond doesn't break... [But] the parents face two mutually exclusive facts. The child is gone and not coming back, and the bond is...as powerful a bonding as people have in their abilities... [Bereaved parents attempt] to let go, not of the child, but of the pain.

- FINKBEINER 1996, 244, 249

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Full Article can be found here: http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

Anger & Rage

I  have been drifting around in the anger stage of this grief for awhile, back and forth from depression to anger and maybe a day or two or even moments of the "acceptance" stage as well. Anger has been my main component of emotions lately. I am SO ANGRY this has happened and in the manner it did makes me even more furious. I really hate this, everything about it. What everyone says about grieving is true, the 1 step forward 5 steps back, so true. Its hard to move on from this, or find a way to accept it. ESPECIALLY when life seems to throw it all in your face day after day. I feel like I have been taken advantage of nearly my entire life and every time its me who gets the shaft, the shit end of the stick. I get fucked. I feel like life is personally attacking me and the rage and anger is bubbling up to the surface and i am going to snap. I did snap the other night. I spent my weekend working 14 1/2 hours straight Friday and another 8 on Saturday. Saturday night I was bound and determined to just drink till I couldn't stand. An attempt to erase all the emotions from the weekend which I had done a good job keeping under while I put on the fake smile and worked to please everyone i encountered through out the weekend. After the plastered face fizzled away and the alcohol i consumed was probably all that ran through my veins I had enough. I had to send up the congrats to the new parents at work of whom i was covering for and working the extra hours at work, i hadn't eaten at all but some cukes and tomato's and ranch as i zoomed around work. Then I came home to get shit from my very best friend who tells me "I am so sick of you "like this" "your just not the same". I am SO FUCKING SICK OF HEARING THIS!!!! I hate me like this too, thank you very much and its awesome to know my best friend cant stand it either and has to announce it to everyone. thanks. I told her to fuck off and i walked out. I came back and here is my husband getting into the car and headed to the bar, oh fucking skippy. so I climb in for some social time and drinks to erase this emotional bitch even more. But the fury came out stronger and I really don't remember what happened after the bar at all. I remember shots and rolling around in the grass. The next morning i felt as though the devil had beaten me with bottles of booze (literally this is what happened). I found my husband in the basement sleeping on the couch and he told me things i did that i can hardly believe. I apparently hit him a few times the night before screaming at him how he has NO CLUE what it is like to be me, the crap id been though and how i feel.
I can imagine the pain that was coming out of me. I can imagine how i hated feeling like this and wanted him to know how this pain feels. But physically its impossible. and I was SO WRONG for doing what i had done. I can apologize a million times over and its not enough.
I have to learn how to deal with this bull shit hands i am continually handed in my life. over and over. I am so sick of it. I am sick of me like this too. i really hate my life and what i do to it is even more so hate worthy. Day after day i want to climb in a hole and never emerge. I am SURE everyone around me would be happier. That is obvious when the ones who "love me" tell me how much they hate me "like this". It is something i cant really control, i cant change the fact my daughter is DEAD, i cant change the way i grieve. I cant change the fact that i continually get fucked and taken advantage of. My pile of "krystal has been fucked over" bullshit is just growing and i have literally had enough.
I am hurt, i am angry, i am ashamed and i am sick of me too. sorry.

disclosure: Please dont post comments about how you think i need medications. thanks.