Yet Another New Year

This time of the year has always been rough on me. from the time October begins and through the winter. Not only does my grief spring a bit of a hole out of the stitches, from merely reflecting, but the winter holds a place in me of cold hardness. I'd honestly rather sleep all winter long wrapped in a fuzzy blanket staring out the window at the empty trees until the buds emerge and bring promise of new life, hope and warmth. But alas, that is not quite possible and probably not so healthy. So I trudge on over the cold ice and snow, bitter wind chapping my lips and biting my face.
I turn 30 in just 11 days and this is making this winter even harder on me.
30 is a huge deal for me and for a number of reasons.
The top reason being, I made this a mid-point in life that I wanted to;
1. Have an established career. Yet instead here I am moving out of one and into the unknown because what I was doing just wasn't 'good enough' , and not necessarily for myself.
2. I wanted to be done having children. As much as my life is against me having another, giving up on that dream for a rainbow is like tearing my guts out. It literally hurts me from the inside out. I already feel like a failure and giving up makes me feel like one even more.
3. I wanted to be happy with life going into my 30's and I'm just not. I'm am grateful for what I do have, don't even get me wrong on that. But the choices I've made and the choices I am making now are either making or breaking me from this point on.
As of this moment in life, I do not feel that I am where I am suppose to be or suppose to be going. I'm uneasy on the inside. I feel that I'm being taken advantage of and abused in a number of ways through out my day to day. But what it really comes down to is it being my choice. My choice to live like this. my choice to stay where I am and continue feeling this way. But again, if I give up I will feel even more like a failure. Maybe life is this hard because I'm not on the right path? I don't think life should feel this horrid, empty, disappointing. I'm the one cheating myself and abusing myself taking this and not doing anything about it.
I don't feel like me. And really I don't feel like I am allowed to be me. I feel many people in my life expect something else, someone else entirely. And why is it I strive to appease them and not me? Because Im a freaking idiot, that must be why. That is why I'm so easily taken advantage of. Everyday.
I'm not sure where to go or what to do to break this cycle.
Much of this way of life stemmed from my religious upbringing. Being told that doing things for others brings happiness. But when nothing you do is good enough and it does nothing but hurt you, then what is the point?
I'm at a huge turning point in life and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to make any kind of move. I'm freaking out about this new job. The time, the money, the appease of yet another group of people set out to judge every move I make in a corporate world I promised myself I would stay out of because it did nothing but hurt me before. My biggest problem in life, making promises to myself I never keep.
When I will learn and start making the better choices for myself is beyond me.
Losing Stella definitely put a damper on being able to trust myself and any decision I may or may not make. So I sit, motionless, afraid, sad and completely responsible for every second of it.

This seems to be a lose lose situation for me.

Here is to hope, while I meditate and reflect this winter, when spring emerges I will have the strength to either accept and hope for the best or gain the courage to do something about it.
Really not as easy as it seems.
But here is to hope.......